Red flags?

[Worriedmum166]

Hi everyone, I would love some advice as I'm worried sick!

My little man will be 2 and a half in March. After a 'bad' 2 year review where he didn't want to cooperate he was referred to Paediatric Autism Team. I have picked him apart, analysed him within an inch of his life, and watched every single video on my phone to see what I can see. He has a few traits but on the whole he doesn't display the 'big red flags'. Should I be as concerned as I am, as in I literally cannot sleep, eat, concentrate for worry.

Reasons I think yes he is:
*He jumps constantly if he's waiting on something, like a biscuit, or a present, like in anticipation or excitement - this isn't something he does during his play, or watching TV etc
*he repeats the ends of our sentences quite a bit still but at the same time absolutely uses his own words - want more juice, read a story mammy, I'm tired mammy etc
*has a few learnt phrases such as bye see you soon, bye see you tomorrow but only uses them when saying goodbye
*struggles with who, what where questions - can see his wee brain trying to process it and he will always give an answer but often a wrong one
*Always has his hands in fists if he's idle - I've no clue if this is a flag I've just noticed it and he's done it as a baby looking back on photos.
*quite a picky eater
*didn't tiptoe walk, then started in past few months and now has stopped again
*Is a tantrummy child but always a reason why, like not getting what he wants, can last 5/10mins

Reasons why I think he's not:
*met all milestones
*Answers to his name 9 times out of 10
*if someone asks him his name he tells them
*not annoyed by any noises, lights etc
*not routine bound or stressed by new places
*not annoyed by clothes
*no obsessions, did like wheels about 8months old but nothing since
*doesn't line up toys
*plays appropriately with toys
*engages so well with his sister, follows her, roars, laughs, copies everything she does, playing superheroes etc
*has amazing eye contact
*will say hello and smile at other adults
*interacts with wider family no problem, knows them all by name
*has just started toddler groups so this is a work in progress but def has glanced at other children and said hello to one.
*imitates and copies action's, voices, songs etc
*is becoming more independent day by day
*follows instructions pretty well and loves to help with wee jobs round the house
*never seems in his own world

Somebody please help if I'm right to be as worried sick as I am - I just want what's best for him no matter what!
Are these things part of toddler development or something more?

Many thanks in advance

Have you looked at the M-chat test? (You can google it.) It can give you an idea of the kind of thing to look out for if autism is suspected. Diagnosing autism can be quite difficult. This is why the assessment process is carried out by two highly trained professionals. They will be looking for very specific reactions.

Does your DS point to show joint attention? Eg if he sees something he's seen of interest to him, does he point at it then 'check in' with you with his eyes to share it, like a tractor/plane etc? Does he bring things to you to show you? Like a picture book or toy? If he wanted something - like a biscuit, how would he communicate that to you? My DS (who now has an ASD diagnosis) used to lead me to what he wanted and then put my hand on it, rather than point or ask.

Your DS is still so young though and it sounds like he's making great progress. When is he due to start nursery? Nursery can be great for a DC's development - a good one will be on the ball too if they're seeing any developmental delays/concerns.

It's also great that he has a sibling who he interacts with - that will help him so much.

I say this with kindness as I have been there and I know it's hard - but please do try not to get caught up with trying to 'second guess' if he has ASD or not. He's been referred and that process could take a long time. Try and enjoy your time together.

You sound like a great, switched on parent and you're doing all the right things. My son was referred at 18 months as he had a LOT of red flags and the advice I was given by professionals was to just play with him, read to him, talk and point out things to him. I'm sure you're doing all that anyway.

@Toomanyminifigs thanks so much for your reply. I appreciate it. I did do the mchat and he passed or scored a 1 depending on how I answered.
If he has something he likes he will say 'look mammy, a book' or 'look a toy' and bring it to me. Or he will say 'read a story mammy' and get up on my knee with the book.
If he wants something he will usually ask for it, like 'want more juice' 'want a biscuit'
He's due to start nursery in September but we are going to a group once a week now to get him used to others.
Its so hard to stop watching him and think oh is that something but you are so right in that I know this will take a long time so I need to settle myself.
How is your little one doing now?

My DS is 13 now. He was finally diagnosed with ASD when he was 9. He's in a specialist autism unit at secondary. He also has an EHCP. He has his challenges but I never even thought he'd be able to go to school when he was younger. He didn't speak a word until he was almost 4 and used to just scream all the time. We went through some very dark days.

From what you're saying, I suspect that frustratingly for you, it's likely the health professionals will adopt a 'wait and see' approach. They will definitely want to see how he gets on at nursery/school. This is usually where - if there are any issues - they will become more apparent.

It may be that his language comes on leaps and bounds when he starts nursery. That is quite common.

Did the health visitor - or whoever did his 2 year review - explain why they were referring him?

DD is autistic and we started to have it flagged to us at a similar age. She was also a total mixture (different to your DS - but some things yes could be traits and other things not at all). She is in fact autistic (she was Dx'd at about 4yo) - but always had good joint attention and pretend play for example (but didn't answer her name quite often, and was shy around new people, didn't like to say hello and goodbye to them, etc so more social signs than your DS seems to be showing). She also has plenty of eye contact with us but apparently less than usual with strangers (so obviously I didn't see it as there was no issue at home!)

I just wanted to say please try not to worry either way (so much easier said than done I know, I remember that "limbo" period very well). Whether he is or he isn't he clearly has lots of very valuable skills so he will do FINE either way. As PP said, probably nobody will tell you for quite a while, so you have plenty of time to research and wrap your head around it. There is nothing special you need to do now other than just love him, engage with him, follow his interests - all the things you are doing already. I spent way to much time worrying about whether DD was or she wasn't autistic and in the end it didn't matter - she's the same child. If she hadn't been diagnosed she still would have needed a bit of extra support in some ways, and even though she has been diagnosed she still manages loads of stuff very expertly by herself without help and has a very happy fun and engaged life!

You might benefit from reading something like Jessie Hewitson's "How to Raise a Happy Autistic Child" and/or Luke Beardon's "Autism in Childhood" or "What Works for Autistic Children?"

Most "autism parenting" is just "parenting" with a special awareness of any communication and/or sensory challenges. You and he are going to do just fine. Please don't get carried away about the need for "early intervention" and all that stuff - bear in mind a lot of that comes from the US where there is big money to be made by putting the fear of God into parents and selling them all sorts of hokum (funded by insurance). Early intervention is just engaging with your child and what interests them and you are clearly doing that in spades already!

@Toomanyminifigs it's the unknown and the waiting that's the killer in this! I just want to know but as you say I've a feeling we are going to be in it for the long haul!
The HV wrote in his red book that he likes to play on his own terms and has intense tantrums! Now when she saw him he was tired and did not want to cooperate with her at all, but did cooperate for me. I saw her face watching him and just knew what she was thinking! He plays so well with his sister, give or take the normal sibling fights lol! He is quite quiet round other children but will look at them and play alongside so far so time will tell I suppose. He's only had 3 little group sessions. He'd also played with the adults at the group, trying to feed them with a plastic fork and playing 'crash' with cars with them.
I'm so glad your son is doing well, I adore hearing these stories, you must be so proud of him and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply again.

@LightTripper your message made me emotional! What you said is exactly right, there is nothing special he needs he just needs us to love him as we are doing and be aware of anything he may find challenging, then help him and give him the skills to deal with it. He's my gorgeous wee boy and nothing will ever change that. I guess I'm scared that the world will be cruel to him as he grows if I'm honest. Your DD sounds like a beautiful little girl, I'm sure you are so proud of her too! Like I said above I love hearing these stories of how well children are doing! Thank you so much for replying and keeping things in perspective for me.