DP not wanting to tell DS about diagnosis

[jingscrivvens]

We got a ASD diagnosis last summer for our DS9 and we decided not to tell him straight away, get more info for us so that we'd hopefully be able to answer any questions he had.
I went on a parenting course at the end of last year and I was the only parent who hadn't told their child about their diagnosis and I feel a lot more able to talk to DS about it now. Talked to DP about when we should tell him and he reckons we should just not! DP reckons DS just won't cope with being told he's different from his friends, but I think it will help him.
I can't imagine not telling him would be of any use to DS and would only make him feel more isolated as he gets older.
Not sure if it's because DP has decided he has ASD too but won't tell anyone but me and just gets angry that the world doesn't get him. I've tried to get him to explain to work/family/friends but he just won't.
How can I get DP to agree to telling DS?

Isn’t it likely that ds already feels different to his friends? Has he talked to you about this at all?

He's probably already noticed he's different from his friends, my 7 year old has. I haven't told her yet as she's still awaiting diagnosis, but school have said they can provide support groups etc once she has been diagnosed and knows, yours might be similar.
Also if you're not telling him make sure there is no chance of him hearing it from someone else. My mum wanted to wait until I was older to tell me, but I found out by one of the other children in my class telling me after they'd been told by school/parents (not sure which).

He does feel different, he found the first 4 years of school hard emotionally. He now has a group of friends and he's less stressed out by the school day. I think by telling him it would help him understand what's going on in his head and he will have processed some if not all of it by the time he gets to high school, DP reckons it will tip him the other way and devastate him. DS has always said he just wants to have friends and now that he's there DP thinks by highlighting his difference it will make it all crash down around him.
The school know the diagnosis but no-one else, not even other family members. I suppose until we tell him he can't access any support through groups, although the school haven't mentioned anything. I do know that the high school he is going to go to does have these sort of things.
Just don't know what to do for the best.

This is a good article on when to tell them:
autisticnotweird.com/when-should-i-tell-2020/

Would your DP not want to tell your DC if he was diabetic or had epilepsy? I feel that having ASD isn't something to be 'ashamed of' and by not telling a DC their diagnosis it can make them feel like it is, when they finally do find out. We use the term 'neuro diverse' in our house.

My DS was diagnosed at 9 and we told him at the appointment. We kept it really simple and said he has a condition called autism which means that he has a brain that works in a different way to some other people which is why he finds some things harder but also why he's really good at remembering dinosaur facts. He then said: 'OK. Can I go and play on the slide now?'

He's 13 now and over the years has asked more questions which we try and answer honestly.

I wonder if your DP is 'projecting' some of his own issues onto your DC? You say he thinks your DS will be 'devastated' by his diagnosis. Do you think that might be what your DP is feeling? And that he feels like 'the world doesn't get him'. Could you point out to your DP that your DS is more likely to feel that way himself if he doesn't know about his diagnosis?

Does your DP suggest that your DS is never told about his diagnosis? In my experience, a DC may be able to 'bumble along' at primary but secondary is a whole different ball game.

It is a really hard thing to come to terms with. My DH cried when our DS was given his diagnosis. No one wants their DC to have a condition of any sort. It is what it is though and as parents all we can try and do is support our DC the best we can so they can become strong, independent adults.