How do you keep going....

[despondentatwork]

8yo son. Undiagnosed but in process. 4 major explosions this morning.

1. Dad accidentally ate his pastry.
2. We wanted to go for a walk he wanted wear shorts and t-shirt-3 degrees outside
3. I asked him to brush his teeth
4. He wanted to bring his football to play football-we were walking in a forest with two dogs.

Every single simple step in the process is agony, nothing simple, no request met with compliance. Anger ++. Hates this family, wishes he wasn't born, everyone always shouts at him. The process of leaving the house took over an hour. By the time we got out, I could barely speak with anger, upset, guilt for his sibling who has to listen to all of this every. single. day. He loved the walk, could have kept going. Oh the irony... Lunch time, major explosion about how I answered his question regarding soup. Don't really know why I'm posting. I'm spent...don't know how to fix this. Is this ASD? Is this simply a child who has behavioural issues? What on earthh can I do? At this point I feel like running away and he's only 8. I keep saying to my husband that it'll be harder to deal with when he's older, bigger, stronger, louder...

It’s hard OP. Have you looked at the PDA website? That might have some useful strategies.

I think that you really have to pick your battles for the moment. Work out what is non-negotiable and then be willing to be flexible on a lot of stuff. E.g. the teeth might be non-negotiable but the other things on your list don’t have to be. He was, understandably, upset about the pastry - empathise with him and maybe dad has to make it up to him. Re clothes, take a coat or jumper and joggers in a bag for the inevitable. Take the ball and see if you can find somewhere to have a kick about for 10 minutes.

I’m reading 10 days to a less defiant child which I saw someone recommend on here. You may find that useful.

He sounds like my brother who Ive only realised may be autstic the last few years after my sons diagnosis. He is on the low needs end of the spectrum i guess but definitely had some signs of pda, seemed very unreasonable. My parents basically gave him everything he needed....in his way which really calms his mood overall. He is coping way better now, even more cooperative. 18 now. But it took a while of giving in to his demands. For example he is allowed to stay in his room all he likes, no rules on having to have to come down to eat. He can go down and eat whenever he wants. Showed up to my other brothers formal engagement wearing hoodie + joggers, and we dont react or show him that we notice any of it. He now loves us more and almost makes a joke of his quirks.

I agree with Open, there are non-negotiables such as teeth, but the others could have been compromised on.

Does DS have any other sensory difficulties? 2 & 3 could have been due to sensory difficulties. Have you tried different toothbrushes and toothpastes?

Have a look at rejection sensitive dysphoria. Also Yvonne Newbold’s resources and Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child book.

If you suspect ASD ask the GP for a referral or in some areas you can self refer. How is DS at school?

It’s so hard, isn’t it - you have all my sympathy and I could have written your post except I have a DD who is 7. We also don’t have a diagnosis but suspect attachment disorder and ADHD at least (I also think PDA or ODD as she is very oppositional) and yesterday in particular was bloody horrible. A lot of her (verbal) aggression is targeted at me and she just doesn’t listen or comply with anything. School has also been a disaster for months now 😔

I’m not really in a position to give much useful advice as am in the eye of the storm myself, but here are some of the things we have been told are helpful/are trying to implement at the moment:

• Praise, praise, praise - even for the smallest things

• Kids do not hear the word ‘don’t’. Try to give requests that are framed as positively as possible with what you DO want them to do, eg instead of “Don’t jump on the sofa” you could say “I would like you to sit in your chair”. Then give lots of praise if he does it!

• Pick your battles. I was brought up very strictly and it is REALLY hard for me to do this, but I pretend to overlook a lot of the smaller things both to minimise battles/tantrums as well as to try and keep things positive

How is his sleep? How much exercise does he get? I see a big improvement in behaviour when we go outside and DD gets fresh air/runs around. Yesterday is a good example as she was vile in the morning at home and in the car, but when we took her to the park in the afternoon there was a very noticeable improvement in behaviour/attitude which remained for the rest of the day. It’s not a magic bullet but at the least will help to tire them out which should hopefully then have a knock on effect on sleep and then - to some extent - behaviour.

JustKeep-he's on the pathway for ADHD & ASD. I totally agree he has RSD and is HIGHLY sensitive to criticism of ANY type. He's super explosive. I have tried every toothpaste and brush going. The thing that actually helped was them studying dental hygiene in school!! But he still struggles with ANYTHING he 'has' to do. It's very wearing. Yes; afterwards I thought that I should have just brought the coat...I know DH & I need to learn strategies and not just expect him to change/do stuff he 'can't do. I have that book-need to hoke it out from the pile of 500 books I haven't had time to read LOL. Thanks for you reply.
Abeach-good luck and you have my sympathy. My DH and I had strict 'do as you are told' type upbringings too. Which I'm very conscious of not inflicting on our kids, but it is hard to 'forget' that. Especially with 3 older DC who have responded very positively to our parenting and are 'perfect' high achieving happy well rounded kids. But I still question myself-is it me and not him?? It's so tough. I feel like I've I've climbed a mountain before I get to work/anywhere out of the house many may days!! Sleep is awful-he really only needs 6-7 hours and has melatonin to help him get over and he never sleeps through. No amount of exercise tires him out. In fact, sometimes I think he finds the 'high' it gives him hard to come down from. We live in an area of natural beauty and in lockdown as a 6/7 yo he could cycle 6 miles twice daily and still bounce around non stop & not sleep. The only time he ever feels or looks sleepy is after we crush his melatonin. He gets one crushed and one whole (as per ADHD Services).
Talk to me about attachment disorder. DS wants me to do everything with him-needs me to get to sleep and gets into bed with me every night. Could be an issue for him too...

If DS isn’t sleeping is still awful have you considered other medication instead of/as well as melatonin?

Justkeep-no! Didn't know of any more options...

There are other options. Normally the next step is promethazine or alimemazine either as well as melatonin or instead of. Most GPs won’t prescribe so you will need a paed or CAMHS to. They are available OTC, but you will have to lie about the reason as the former is only licensed for use to help with sleep when it’s a result of urticaria and pruritus and the latter isn’t licensed for help with sleep. You could also ask for a referral to a sleep clinic.