Firstly, to be clear, I have no personal issues with using pronouns of choice. I’m very live and let live on the debate on a personal level. Please don’t derail this into a wider debate. I’ve posted in the SEN forum because I really would like an answer from SEN parents to this particular difficulty, one we’ve faced a few times.
We’ve booked a workshop for primary age children. Two children have autism, verbal. We’ve had issues in the past with their communication (one child is mine) and the reaction of adults. Obviously we guide and support. For example on a workshop one child said ‘I find this boring. I am bored’. It was factually said in response to an adult asking in front of the group why they weren’t listening, not called out. So they did meet all our targets of not calling out etc! Did pretty well on their behaviour and tried really hard to conform.
The adults leading asked them to sit out, then simply couldn’t see or understand the autistic perspective. We got involved, tried to talk it through reasonably. They were still asked not to return until they engaged in ‘respectful language’. I’ll be honest, I was very frustrated as the adult was very understanding of emotional responses they understood. A child crying over turn taking was well supported (as they should be, but just to demonstrate how more NT behaviour was allowed).
I’ve now been made aware a workshop I’ve booked has a trans artist. The email makes it very clear that children should not use mid-gendered language. They should not use pronouns, they should use the artists name. It is quite a long email of expectation. Then a piece from the artist about their identity.
From previous experience, like the one above, I’ve learnt that I can talk to my child and the other all day about what to do. I can explain it. They can reply, mean well. They are lovely children. I can’t however turn their autism off. The chances of a mid-gendering or offence inducing remark or question is extremely high. Especially in terms of art exploration.
Im really genuinely nervous of going now. I don’t want to get in a big clash, I have no idea how to say ‘we’ll try and always intend to respect… but this is autism’. My child in particularly just sees things in a black and white way and doesn’t really get it. They are also primary age, have mild LD of top of autism and are emotionally very young. It’s like trying to explain rocket science to a preschooler, the idea of gender.
I don’t know whether to cancel, send an email, talk on the day in advance…? My experience lately has been a bit rough tbh on this issue with autism in various ways when dealing by with Sen.