DSis in denial over DN's possible autism

[Carolnotsosmiley]

Hi all, I’m a mother of four, my eldest has severe learning difficulties and autism. My other three are neurotypical.

I have a younger sister who’s daughter was born the same time as my middle child. They’ve grown up fairly close and we’ve watched them develop in a fairly close proximity to one another happily. From the age of 2 DN was displaying very strong signs of autism. Flapping, humming, rocking, minimal speech, unusual finger placement (She would walk around with her hands tucked up into her chest in little what look like claws) having an autistic son I’ve had lots of these traits here when he was smaller..but not to this degree. She’s 4 now, same as my middle child, And she has dozens of daily meltdowns, she also uses sentences in parrot like fashion, repeating things over and over. (My son did this too) a baby will start crying in our proximity and she‘ll start rocking with her hands over her ears wailing “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” because it would appear she associates crying with having hurt someone. Over the last year DSis has taken to excusing/ masking the behaviour I suppose you’d call it. When we visit her or she visits us she will tell us that DN has a virus and is “acting odd” or that she’s been sick all night and “isn’t herself” but as times going on it’s becoming so obvious that DN is ND I think it would be wise now to seek as assessment and the kind of help she’ll need in the future. Our mother and other family members have rung each other all feeling worried and asking what on earth we can do to help. But mother is saying that DSis obviously knows and doesn’t want to accept it right now, if ever. Our father rang me in tears last week saying he’s scared that she’s so severe it won’t be like what we’ve dealt with, with my eldest, and he’s terrified what the future holds for her. This broke my heart, and I just don’t know what to do, what to say(if anything) I love them so much I don’t want to cause any arguments or upset but it’s really keeping me awake at night.
What I am really asking in my OP is has anyone got any helpful ideas about how I can support DSis and help her to accept that DN needs assessment/help?

Just to mention, DSis has 2 other DC who are NT

No advice but we have a similar situation in our family - our niece on DH’s side clearly has ASD, she’s now 7 and her parents (and DH’s parents) have made every excuse under the sun to avoid having her assessed or, perhaps more importantly, seeking professional help for her. She’s got selective mutism and won’t speak to any of her classmates, never has, only the adults. She doesn’t like it when people look her in the eye. She has sensory issues around clothes, has never ever played with toys, and her face is constantly ‘blank’ - she doesn’t smile, doesn’t laugh, does cry, just looks blank. If you try to speak to her she will do a full 180 and walk away from you without saying anything.

The excuses have ranged from ‘oh she lets her big sisters do all the talking for her’, she doesn’t play with toys as she ‘has an amazing imagination and imagines them coming to life’, covid lockdowns ‘hindering her socially’ despite the fact she was 4 when they started, because she’s a girl and ‘girls are shy and quiet’.

Family gatherings are quite awkward as you don’t want to blank her but equally trying to interact with her highlights the issue, and then the excuses come out again. It’s also very sad to see her being let down when the issues became apparent at about 2 and she could’ve had years of therapy and help by now.

I don’t know what the answer is, we’ve voiced our concerns to MIL (who is adamant there is nothing wrong with her granddaughter) but it all gets swept under the rug. Her school have raised concerns but her parents are having none of it.

sorry didn’t mean to offload our story with no helpful advice! But I will be following your thread with interest.

Does DN go to nursery? Or has she started school yet? Presumably they have at some point had HV input. In which case I don’t think you should say anything unless DSis raises the matter. It is likely she already knows and if needs are as you say professionals involved are likely to have already said something.

She has only chosen to put her in school for a couple of mornings a week. Another thing that made us concerned, her last school raised an issue about her biting and they immediately pulled her out. She has chosen to not let her have any of her inoculations and in turn hasn’t seen the HV since she was only a few months old. She’s blamed that on their recent house move and say they just haven’t had time. She had her other kids vaccinated so again strange. You may be right that it’s already been raised perhaps in school and she’s just not saying anything….I don’t know

If DN’s needs are as you say, it would be strange for both schools not to have mentioned anything. Only attending part time in reception isn’t uncommon, the system allows the parents to make that choice and some do. It won’t last long because when DN is CSA she will need to attend full time.

If DS didn’t already know she wouldn’t feel she needed to explain DN’s behaviour away.

My eldest son was diagnosed with autism 8 years ago. We have never shared his diagnosis with his uncles, aunts or cousins. They know him well, and love and accept him for who he is. We deal with all of his medical appointments, interventions at school and extra curricular activities, so his uncles and aunts do not need to know for any practical reasons. Maybe your sister is seeking help for her daughter, but has chosen not to share this with you?