Help! Strategies needed for parenting 2 autistic children

[blackteaplease]

Ds1 age 10 was diagnosed a year ago, ds 2 age 7 is starting to show similar traits and they clash so much. Both have to be right, both have to have the last word, both have to have the same toy, turn on the TV, seat by the fire whatever. They both have a very strong sense of justice, neither will give the other space or apologise when asked

I'm at my wits end. All the articles and advice I've seen so far has been for 1 ND child and relationships with their NT siblings.

How can I manage this to make life more harmonious.

Hi,

I have two autistic children aged 5 and 3. I need the same advice. What were they like when they were younger?

They've always had conflict, it was just easier to manage when they were smaller and more compliant to my requests.

Okay. I understand it's definitely challenging when they are constantly clashing.

Have you tried using a chart/board to help them take turns? Maybe you could write their names and activities etc on a whiteboard, e.g. child 'A' watches TV program for '..' minutes

Or maybe separate them, one in their room and the other in the living room. My two have to be separated most times because my DD hits her younger brother.

Another one that votes for just separating them more often @blackteaplease ! My DTs (7yo) are both ND and just cannot be left alone together for any length of time. I either have to give plenty of 'good' options or put them in different rooms to get any peace

Yeah, separating seems like the easiest option but these two are like a pair of magnets. If I ask them to separate they refuse. If I entice one away with a game the other gets jealous.

I do occasionally use a timer to enforce turns, but more often than not the one who doesn't get a turn first will then start shouting at me or throwing things. It's exhausting

Maybe you could pick their names out from a bag? So they can see that you have randomly chose one of them first.

Also, do you have any strategies to help calm them? I.e. sensory toys, bean bag, den/tent.

Well I have all of that for ds1 but I have just realised that dc2 does not have any of his own apart from a couple of fidget toys. Its either shared or belongs to the eldest. I hadn't even noticed that as ds2 has only recently started showing asd traits.

Random names is also a good idea, thank you

Have you spoken to your ds2's school about your concerns? There may be some outreach support services for his school to help children with SEN i.e. behaviour support team, autism team etc. Do they both attend mainstream school?

Another good question. I haven't yet but they were a bit rubbish with dc1. I'll ask the senco for a meeting and put a list of concerns together over the holidays.

I really haven't been on the ball here at all, I have anxiety, dd is in full teenage mode and work/school routine usually keeps us on an even keel.

They're both at a mainstream primary.

This sounds a bit like my children. We use a social story on "correcting", as the older one is constantly picking fault and correcting the younger one, this has helped him understand that correcting isn't helpful and is better done by an adult.

I wouldn't bother forcing an apology. You could praise any signs of cooperative behaviour, eg "that was nice of you X to let y go first". It is exhausting and we try to separate them in the holidays, even if it's just an hour or two in the morning, having their own space helps keep the dynamic positive. Left together all day they are constantly sniping and bickering. I feel your pain!

@HotPenguin could you share your social story on correcting please?

I miss the work/school routine @blackteaplease! I envy people who say "I can't wait to spend days with my DC" as days on end with mine are just hard work

DP took the DTs to PILs today so I could get on with exciting jobs like cooking, cleaning and defrosting the freezer - DTS2 came back in an absolute rage, throwing things, hitting etc. It turned out (once I'd finally got him calmed down enough to talk) that he'd been blamed for something DTS1 did, and that was enough to tip him over the edge and into "everyone hates me so I'm going to behave as badly as I can" mode.

He's asked to go to a holiday club on Friday to get away from DTS1 for a bit, which I'll organise - tomorrow I'll try to take one of them out for a bit and leave the other with DP before we all meet up with a friend. Unfortunately DP is the laziest man in the world and just sticks them in front of a screen for hours on end, which also doesn't help with behaviour issues...

@HotPenguin mine too always need their own space, as they're twins I had to send them to a two form intake school, being in the same classroom all day would have been hideous all round!!

@blackteaplease it's this one, if you Google "social story correcting" you can find it as a PDF suitable for printing:

happylearners.info/social-stories/correcting-others.html