Best way to explain ASD and ADHD diagnosis to child

[veneeroftheyear]

DS age 10 has just had a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD. We need to tell him about it but I want to present it to him as a positive thing and not make him feel like he's made wrong. He already has low self esteem from the messages he's internalised.
Anything that worked well for you, or good book recommendations that might help to support him alongside our explanations would be great to hear. He's articulate and reads well. I'm relieved but also slightly overwhelmed.

Anyone?

We had this conversation 2 months ago with my just 11 year old dd (ASD only though). Things that worked for us though I appreciate your DS might be different...
-I kept the discussion quite short and sweet initially as she gets very overwhelmed by too much information/emotions. So we had a short chat initially and have had lots of mini chats about it.
-I had some examples of well known/famous autistic people to tell her about to to show she could still achieve great things. It helped we have some extended family members who are autistic too so she didn't feel it was just her.
-the books that have been really good for her are 'Can you see me?' by libby scott and Rebecca Westcott. A series of fictional books co written by an autistic 11 year old girl. These were very, very helpful for her but as the main character is a girl it may or may not suit your DS
-and some really useful advice I got on here was this. For us as parents it was really helpful to get a diagnosis as it helped us to understand things and hopefully get more help. So I hoped that she would see it that way too and tried to put a relentlessly positive spin on it all. DD however was angry and sad about her diagnosis too and as people pointed out it me - it is okay to be cross about it, to be angry that you have a life long disability and challenges to deal with. Give them space for this and acknowledge these feelings and don't minimise them (not saying you will - but I was constantly trying to jolly her out of them and it wasn't really helpful).

Sorry for the essay! It is still early days for us post diagnosis - but a relief for us as parents. And gradually DD is taking it all in and getting more understanding both of herself and from others. Good luck to you and your DS.

Thank you! This is really helpful. I think the positive spin is so important isn't it.

Interesting that you talk about anger. I think that's something we need to be prepared for, and actually I hadn't really considered.

I will check out the books you mention, and see if I think they'll resonate with him.

I have a habit of jollying him along generally so I need to be very mindful around this. I guess, as with you, it will take a while to settle into this new understanding.
Good luck to you and dd too!

Hi there! DD was younger when we found out (only 4) though she was about 7 before she really showed any interest in it. For us there hasn't been any anger yet, but I think it's a very valid response and may well be still to come. I think just being aware of all the feelings that may emerge and prepared to support DS through them is the key thing. And not using anything actually pathologising (as much as it needn't be all unicorns and rainbows either).

• First, Chris Bonnello has some good articles on his website (both for parents about telling a child and for children about being autistic). He's an autistic teacher and step-father to an autistic child so he sees all sides! autisticnotweird.com/when-should-i-tell-2020/ He's also written some novels (either Young Adult or Middle Grade, I don't remember) with neurodivergent (ND) characters - called "Underdogs" - kind of post-apocalyptic stuff where kids from a specialist school save humanity - not sure if that is the kind of thing your DS would like but might be fun!
• "A Different Sort of Normal" by Abigail Balfe is really good I think.
• Lizzie Huxley-Jones has a really good list of fiction for different ages with ND authors, characters and/or themes. My DD particularly loves the Elle McNicoll ones, but there may be other things on there that you think would be more appealing to your DS! It includes the Libby Scott/Rebecca Westcott ones that were recommended by a PP above: lizziehuxleyjones.com/#autbooks
• There is a new book by Joe Wells (the comedian - you may have seen some of his stuff on autism as quite a few bits have gone viral and are very funny!) I haven't given this to DD yet but it looks good. www.hive.co.uk/Product/Joe-Wells/Wired-Differently---30-Neurodivergent-People-You-Should-Know/26784400?

Joe Wells also has a really funny podcast called "Neurodivergent Moments" with Abigoliah Shaumaun but that's definitely one for adults!

My son was 9. We drip fed through the diagnosis process, pointing out characters on TV (CBBC) and talking about autistic friends, building a positive image of autistic people generally without referring much to him. Then it was a fairly simple side step into "we think you might be autistic so we're taking you to this appointment to find out" and into "ah yes, thought so".

We had loads of conversations about how everyone has things that come easily to them and things they have to work hard on. We presented autism as just a particular pattern of those things, which he could see fitted him really well.

He woke up the next morning, bounced out of bed and said was "I am a happy autistic boy!" Don't stress about it, he will take his cues from you.

That's a lovely reassuring story @PingPongMerrilyWithPie. Thank you.

@LightTripper thanks so much for all this information. Loads there for me to work through. I really appreciate it. I've picked up a copy of A Different Kind of Normal and I think he'll find that really useful. I've just flicked through but it looks very sweet.

My son is into gaming, so we used a different consoles analogy. Both great to play on, but operate differently and that's OK! Then went into specific info on autism differences in positive language