How do you hold your relationship together when your child has SN....or is it just me?

[lourobert]

Just how do people do it? HOld it together with all the additioanl strain and pressure.

Guess were going through a tough patch and im thinking about it alot at the moment

Hi Lourobert - just thought I'd give you a perspective from someone who DIDN'T manage it . Ex-h and I separated when DD3 was 2 years old. I'm not sure if her SN played any part, but just having kids full stop certainly did. With hindsight I can see the cracks were already starting to show whilst DD1 and DD2 were babies.
I feel what might have helped would have been for me to remember I was something other than the girls mother. Becoming a parent totally consumed me and unlike some people I didn't wear it lightly. My ex-h on the other hand took the jealous adolescent role - our many arguments often ended with me saying I felt like I'd got 3 little girls and a teenage boy to look after .
Five years down the line we are OK and good friends, because despite what we've been through I can see he's a good dad to our girls.
But what I wish we'd done was listen to each other more, and take time out for a couple together (we never did this). HTH, and all the best to you both for sorting things out xx

lourobert - I don't how we are doing it but we seem to be surviving. We have terrible dark days, days when I just want to leave and I know DH has days like that too. We have days when we bitch, pick and scream at each other but we also have days when we laugh, cope and just seem to survive it all.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone really.

Agree with Fiofio, me and DH go through different stages at different times. They say there are five stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining, sorrow, acceptance I think) and you can both be at different stages at different times, which doesn't help. My DH has been through this all before, as his first marriage ended when his ASD DD was 5; so by the time he met me, I guess he knew what NOT to do when in a marriage with an SEN child. I sometimes accuse him of leaving it all to me to cope with the part of life headed up AUTISM, and if he ever says "yes, well I earn the money" I tend to go for his throat ("you do the easy bit, you sit on your batty all day drinking coffee and sending emails, I'm in the trenches 14 hours a day, with two kids, one of whom is 4 years old and autistic--- etc etc" you can picture the scene. But actually he does listen and when I say, it's no good just leaving it all to me, you have to let me talk about it, you have to share the burden if only by listening to me rant at the end of the day, he gets it and behaves better (for a while!). I suppose keep talking is the only advice, as especially for men - if you don't make them talk, it all festers. I do feel sometimes DH gets the short straw because there is nothing left of me to give by time the kids are in bed, but he's an adult and he knows it won't always be this hard. Big hugs to you!

Nice to know that im not alone, although feels that way right now. Whos to say whether our relationship wouldn't have strained if my ds didnt have sn but it just certianly put alot of pressure on top of benig a first time parent etc.

I guess we have coped with things very differently His sister was killed in a tragic accident a few years ago, he got through that so I guess he can get through anything. I find myself being the one who does all the ringing and fighting for us- we try and split the appointments that only needs one of us 50/50 so neither of us have to take too much time off work.

I suppose were just both exhausted physically and emotioannly. Even if your the one thats feeling ok that day it still zapps your strength to be there for the other.

I have bad tonsillitus today so not feeling myself probably why Im feeling a little more sensitive.

we have bad times now as dd approaches 4. She needs 24 hour care and it is exhausting. DH had to give up work to help me and I know he resents that. And its hard when she is ill.
And blokes take 'sounding off' as a demand for solutions. Why can't they just listen?

we have been married for nearly 19 years now and I think looking back the thing that always held it together for us was our mutal respect.
Dh respects that i did the 'grunt' work but I respect that he woprks so hard to try and give us enough money to have options. He did the classic throwing himself at work thing and now, many years later, he will admit that part of his desire to devote time to work was because he got out of the house.
I spent many dark nights before I could admit to myselfthat my anger with him was actually a weird jealousy. He could go off to work each day where as i was at home. But I knew that I simply could not have managed that disconnect - I was completely batty with grief and totally obsessed with DS2 and helping him. I guess we each allowedthe other to 'cope' in those two very different ways.
We have always tried to be honest with each other without being cruel iyswim and I respect that he never showed how hard he was grieving because he knew I couldn't bear it - whilst he has forgiven me for shoving our relationship so far down my list of priorities because I couldn't do anything else.
I think I have taught him that we can cope but he has taught me that we can be happy.
I'm just whittering i know but I think what I am saying is that you have to choose to understand what the other is going through and you also have to make yourself be kind even when you want to scream. And then it does get better.

I think me and dp have alot of respect for eachother but we have neglected our relationship and consumed all our time with ds and appointments and researching this and that......we acknowldge that we have allowed this to happen. I think at times we stopped comunicating but since we realised that weve been much better. Although i do have to poke and prod dp to make him talk- he will let his worries fester to protect me.

Its better now that ds sint havnig seizures- I think we took all our anger and frustration out on eachother- not good!Its worse when ds is ill though as NMC says.

Its certainly a tough test of your relationship huh....I always liked the saying 'whatever doesnt kill me will only make me stronger' guess thas very true

sad to say I think, right at this minute, I would leave dh if I thought I could cope with dd alone. But I can't. I have MS.
I don't know if its depression or just that our lives are nothing but dd and her endless appointments and problems.
I'm so irritable all the time now.

We've become pretty good at the divide and conquer routine by day and we talk and cuddle lots after the boys have gone to bed. I think it helps loads that we're both fairly laid back people and on the same page over the majority of issues and that our relationship is strong to start with.

I hope that I am getting better at talking to my DH instead of feeling resentful - that he gets to leave and not deal with it everyday, that he doesn't do the nights and that he did not make time to come to appointments etc

My catalyst was his mother had to go sign an annex to her will, it had already been written, she can drive (he met her there, didn't even drive her), it was local and he took off half a day to go there with her.

I exploded (understatement) he had been to less than 1% of our hospital appts (he works in usa often, but didn't come even if he was in country), including not bringing me any food for over 24 hours when DS had emergency admission to a ward and they wouldn't let me leave him to go and get food etc.

I just told him I needed and expected more support, he 'apparently' had thought I was coping so marvelously that I didn't need anything from him and he was feeling excluded!

Also I put my DLA towards paying for help around the home - I have an Au Pair. I realise this is not suitable for everybody, but I have found this has been the single most positive thing I have done for myself and my family. I get to occasionally recharge my batteries and do something other than domesticity - last night a friend and I went to the cinema, I have felt a deep sense of contentment all day at actually doing something for myself.

you are not alone at all,we have v black times here too

We really just 'survive' from day to day. We have 3 under 6 and I can't even remember our relationship. I do wonder sometimes if we will ever get it back . You are by no means alone.

We also have three under 6 and muddle through day to day, hubby is coming back tonight after a week away hopefully he will be nice and relaxed and ready to cope with all the stress i have had this week.

Have to say he is really good at listening to me, but it seems all the magic has gone out of our relationship. Ocasionally we try and do things that we did before children.

Also he doesn't deal with all the crap that i have like hosp apts, phone calls from the school and narrow minded parents at school.

but we muddle through and joke about how dull our life would be.

sometimes i dream what life could have been and then dismiss it straight away most times.

But you are not alone by any means

You are not alone.Hang on in there xxxx
Your child can strengthen your relationship.
We have had bad times but some funny times,the only time we really chat is when i am changing dss sons nappy,and we have a laugh too,ds is nearly 20.He used to chuck me the nappy to catch,that always made me laugh,not sure whether david tennant,daniel craig or any of my other boyfriends would be able to do that!!

sorry,I am not a granny yet! Just tired,thats dss,not ds`s son.Ha ha.That will be the day,well you never know,no,developmentally my ds is at the 1 year - 18mths mark,on a good day.