Autism and aggression

[ForgedInFire]

I'm looking for some advice with regards to my nephew who is 5 and is autistic and pre-verbal. His mum has agreed that I should post and ask for advice. He has recently started reception and has a 1-to-1 and he is doing really well there. The problem is at home he can be very aggressive, sometimes to his mum but not usually. They live with our mum and stepdad (his nan and grandad) both aren't in very good health, my mum just went into remission from cancer and my stepdad just had a leg amputated and went into a wheelchair a few weeks ago. My nephew frequently pulls their hard very hard (often coming away with clumps of hair) hits them and pushes my DSDs wheelchair around, scaring him. If I ever go around with my children (7, 6 and 2) it is even worse. I can't leave him alone with my 2 year old for a second, he constantly attacks him pulling his hair out, pushing him or grabbing his arm and pulling him around- not in a playful way but a harmful way. He will do this even when I am standing right next to them. He is extremely close with my 6 year old and adores her but he will pull her hair as well, and my 7yo too. He definitely isn't doing this out of frustration or anger- he seems to find it funny and laughs. He will hurt them whilst looking at the closest adult to see what will happen. He will be playing happily with them one second and hurting them the next. He seems to be pleased when he gets told off. We have tried telling him off, time outs and also heavily praising him when he is being good. This has been going on for months now and nothing is helping. I can't bring my kids to my mums house at all because he constantly hurts them, he will be separated for cooling down time and the second he is finished he will make a beeline for a child or adult and hurt them again. Nothing seems to be working and it is really tearing our family apart. We all just want to support him as best as we can. My stepdad is considering leaving the family home because he can't protect himself from being hurt all of the time. I should add that my nephew is larger then the average 5 year old and very strong- it really does hurt when he does these things. There just doesn't seem to be any support for my sister to deal with this, and it is heartbreaking for me not to be able to spend time with my nephew who I really love dearly because I am scared of his behaviour. Has anybody got any advice on how we can move forward? Please be kind as none of us are experts and we are trying our best

Yvonne Newbold’s resources are worth a look. If his DM can get a NVR course or similar funded that could help too.

Does DS receive OT and SALT provision and CAMHS input?

Have they kept a detailed diary in order to try to pinpoint triggers?

Have they had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for his DM and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS, and assessments via adult social care for your DM and stepdad.

The problems might not stem from home. It could be unmet needs at school and the coke bottle effect.

Thank you for your response. I've just had a look at Yvonne Newbolds website and it seems very helpful.

As far as I know there have been no courses or assessments. Dnephew had a lot of tests before he was diagnosed with autism but no therapies that I am aware of. At one point my DSis had a specialist HV but they left and were never replaced. She has talked about her concerns with his school but because he is fine there, they shrugged her off. It feels like she has just been left to get on with things by herself even though my Dnephew is very high needs. She has recently started keeping a diary. I'm going to send her this thread so she knows what to ask for going forward.

They can ask for social care assessments themselves.

Does DS have an EHCP? If so, SALT, OT, MH therapies can be included in there. If not they should apply - IPSEA have a model letter they can use on their website. But also in some areas you can self refer to SALT, OT and CAMHS.

CAMHS or children’s services may fund a course such as NVR, they might have to jump through some hoops first but it’s worth persevering.

It’s not uncommon for schools to see DC as ‘fine’ there, and for DC to be ‘fine’ at school and explode at home. It doesn’t mean the problem is home. If school life was easier it is likely home life would improve. It’s also likely if someone trained observed DS at school they would see he wasn’t ‘fine’.