Guilt over having a lovely "normal" day with DS and DSD whilst DS who has ASD away

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

I have 3 DS's. Eldest is 20, now moved away to uni. Middle is 9 and has autism and adhd. Youngest is 7. I also have a 5 year old dsd.
I have no family support. Their dad doesn't see them in any way. So it is just me, my DP and the children.
This weekend for the first time ever DS who is 9 stayed at Cubs for an all night wakeathon to raise money. It was for 24 hours. From 10am-10am. This left me, DP, 7 year old DS and DSD with a full day to ourselves. We decided to do adventure golf at DS request. The last (only) time I went it was just me and the two DS at the beginning of September and it was awful. So many meltdowns as 9 year old DS can't cope with any perception of losing or things not working as they should (we weren't even scoring it when we went) whether his perception is right or wrong. Yet he actively wants to do these things. It makes family time SO difficult and I don't find it enjoyable, so I'm quite sure the others don't find it much fun either. But it was SO lovely on Saturday. Everyone had fun, no one had a meltdown, everyone thought it was funny when something went not to plan. It was just.... enjoyable.
So now here I am feeling absolute immense guilt at it all. Guilt for enjoying it, guilt for feeling bad that I'm now considering respite once a month to give the others a break from him, guilt that I haven't done it sooner, just all round guilt.
I'd really, really appreciate some words of wisdom from others who have been here before... and come out the other side.

I'd say it's absolutely essential to everyone to get a bit of respite. My ASD DS could be a nightmare to take out and live with when younger. I feel no guilt at saying that. It is what it is. I was lucky to have supportive GP's who had him for an overnight stay once a month. It was bliss. It gave me something to look forward to (I went away).
He's a teenager now and so much better at controlling his emotions etc. But looking back I don't know how I survived (slightly light-hearted). It needs a massive amount of patience and wine!

I understand the guilt, but I don’t think you need to feel like that. It’s important for all, DS2 included, to have respite.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS2.

Young carers and Sibs are worth speaking to too.

I know exactly what you mean. But try to look at it as positive time where you can really focus your attention on your other kids. They deserve your focus and attention too. Your 9yo was having a great time at cubs, it’s not like you had pushed him out!

If 9yo is having a good time, why shouldn’t the rest of you have a good time too?

I’ve found it helpful to make sure I really prioritise time with my NT kid as otherwise his brother can easily dominate everything.

We have had respite once a fortnight for 18 months now and it changed our home life. Younger NT Ds is able to have friend for a sleepover, I am able to have dinner out, and we all look forward to it.
it was extraordinarily hard as ds who has asd found respite difficult at first and tbh still does, but he’s really getting used to it and we need it.
i think In all honesty it’s chanegd our family life. We have a child with severe autism and going out as a family hasn’t been possible for to years.
i truly believe if we didn’t have it , I’m not so sure ds would still be In the family home. And that’s my priority to keep him with us till adult services kick in when supported living is our option.

I am also very aware our younger NT ds has a right to a childhood with sleepovers, family days out etc, it’s important I give him those too. We have tag teamed for years and now have carers also during the week for activity’s. These are all stepping stones for my son to get used to other people in his life as will be the case in a supported living environment.

You may not be able to get respite as I know it can be hard to get.
However do you have a Young Carers in your area that your 7yo could attend?