My 9 yo told me tonight he 'doesn't want to be in this world anymore'

[despondentatwork]

Because he feels that no-one understands him...it was after a fairly normal fraught bedtime. He's explosive. I had told him he could watch another 5 mins tv. His dad didn't know this, had turned off lights & tv & told him as its was after 9, he should be in bed. Cue screaming from son (always immediate zero to 500 response) and trying to shout that I had said it was ok. Dad started to argue back, I heard and confirmed what son was telling dad. Too late-he was really upset that 'no-one listens to him'. It doesn't matter the content, though. He's a really angry child at home and there's a lot of screamy/shouty responses or episodes. Not at school usually...
However, tonight there is backstory. We were at a family party last night. Late night, fizzy juice, high jinks from all the kids. He was on a high, which is fairly normal. My sister heard an angry comment he made to me and tapped him with a magazine she was holding and told him sharply he shouldn't speak to me like that. He's REALLY upset. Generally likes this auntie and her kids. Upset that she touched him (hates being touched and I've had to speak to teacher for poking him and pulling him last week, so it's touched a raw nerve). But hurt that she thinks he's horrible to me (he was and is). Wants me to speak to her, but is also saying he doesn't mean to speak to me like that, that no-one understands what he means...
I'm really upset on a number of levels. About last night (don't know how to handle it). And about him feeling that bad tonight...what do I do????? He's not diagnosed yet but had a positive Qb test and is also on WL for ASD assessment. He's hating school ATM and I spent last week with teacher and Head trying to sort out those issues.

If he’s told you he feels like no one understands him then he means it and it is a big deal to him. It sounds to me like he’s overwhelmed, feels a lot of shame about behaviour that he probably can’t control and is in need of more understanding and support. The reality is that he’s probably anxious and never at zero, which is why he seems to escalate so quickly. It doesn’t come out of nowhere, he’s already simmering from a build-up of other issues and these ‘little’ incidents are the last straw for him, especially at the end of the day.

A diagnosis and more support at school may help but ASD aside I recommend that you try and look at what’s behind the behaviour and find ways to make him feel better about himself and your relationship with him. Dr Becky’s Good Inside book is great for this. She’s done lots of promotion for it so you’ll probably find her talking about it on a lot of podcasts for free.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I have a cold and it’s not really my intention. I know how trying these behaviours can be

I agree with Open. Has DS has SALT and OT assessments?

Thx Open & That. Completely agree with you Open. I follow Dr Becky, so will have look at finding relevant interventions. I do 100% believe him. Find that recently he;'s been able to put his feelings into words more, which is new. I jusy=t don't know how to help him.
No to SALT & OT; I'm a bit unsure how these would help? He's still waiting on fuel assessment. I'd pay privately if I thought it would help. My heart breaks for him.

SALT and OT can help with communication, emotions, sensory differences, behaviour and much more. If DS is suspected of having ASD & ADHD he would benefit from them. It will also help with the masking and coke bottle effect. In some areas you can self refer, but if not the GP or school will be able to. Some areas don’t commission sensory OT on the NHS but it’s still worth a referral.

Have you considered applying for an EHCNA? Both can also be part of an EHCP.

Your sister was out of order to "tap" him and tell him off, and I think you need to make clear to her that she should let you do the parenting.

More generally I'd suggest you try and build the relationship with your son and don't get angry with him whatever happens. You need to correct him when he messes up but he also needs to feel that he can make amends quickly and easily. It's hard not to react when they are flying off the handle, but it's so important.

I use tactics like saying "DS you might not realise but you are speaking in your angry voice' or " can you say that again but more respectfully". In other words give him lots of chances to do better without it being a big deal or getting really told off.

Young Minds website has good advice for parents on how to respond when children say they don't want to be here etc.

OP if you’re already familiar with Dr Becky then I really recommend getting her book, I found it really helpful being more immersed in the theory and seeing the commonalities rather than short bites on IG. The book has several chapters that are directly relevant (though all of it is): behaviour is a window; reduce shame, increase connection; tantrums (and aggressive tantrums) and deeply feeling kids. Each chapter has strategies and scripts to use.

The book is primarily about connection and emotional regulation and teaching it to our kids. Even though our kids are not NT, I think it’s still the right approach. In my opinion, it aligns with other books that I’ve read recently which are aimed at kids with social learning challenges: declarative language handbook and co-regulation handbook.

Open-thank you. I've downloaded the book on my Audible account & have started listening. Hopefully it will help us. I've contacted his ASD/ADHD team and it looks like he's not even on the ADHD pathway. This, despite a tel call from the ASD doctor in the summer advising his QB test was positive and he would be on both pathways. We're two years into this process on the NHS and sadly I think I'm going to have to look at out options Privately. I feel that whilst I know his difficulties, labelling them for him & others is the only real way of validating his feelings & behaviour. Otherwise he remains misunderstood, and expected to 'fit in'.

HOT-thk you. I have been doing this with him, but he gets really angry when it's pointed out to him that his tone might be rude..still working on it. It just feels like he's always angry no matter what we do. Will look at Young Minds.

Does he know that you think he’s ASD/ADHD?

Open-yes he does. He’s a smart, emotionally intelligent child and I know it’s important for him to trust me. So when attending his appointments I explained why we were going. He’s been able to verbalise and describe certain issues he’s clearly always had in the past year and knows these may be because he’s got ASD or ADHD. He’s listened to the ‘Can You See Me’ and “Do You Know Me’ books, and he recognised himself and his sister recognised traits and it helped both of them understand a little about being neurodivergent. Which I would like even if he’s not diagnosed; there are plenty of kids in both their classes who are.