Teacher told my daughter she has autism

[dddxxx]

Last night as I was getting DD (6) ready for bed, she said ‘it’s because I have autism mummy’ I’m not sure what we were talking about before hand but she said her teacher told her she has autism and it’s because finds it difficult to do her work. (Her words).

DD was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years ago now but myself and my partner decided not to tell her yet as she was really young at the time of diagnosis and has since settled into school fine and thriving so it’s something we thought would be best to tell her at a later stage in her life. The school is well aware of everything and she has additional support for learning in place as well as other things but I just can’t help but think her teacher is so wrong for telling her without discussing it with me or her dad! She’s only just turned 6 and I don’t want her to think she’s any different to her friends, and to continue doing the fantastic job that she’s doing in school. She does struggle socially and I don’t know if this is going to affect her confidence. Unsure what to make of this really, but I am upset that this has been disclosed to her randomly by a teacher 🙁

Being autistic is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe the teacher thought it would be helpful to her to understand why she is having difficulty.

If the friends are all neurotypical, then she is different from them in that way. Presumably they have other things in common and that's why they are friends.

Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of! I’m so proud of my daughter and I wouldn’t change her for the world. But i don’t think it was the teachers right to tell her she’s autistic. It’s something her dad and I should of been able to discuss with her when we felt it was the right time and she was old enough to understand. She’s only just turned 6

I agree it is the parents choice and there are a lot of parents that choose to tell dc when they are old enough to understand. Read books, get advice on how to tell them and I'd be very upset if a teacher told me dd she is autistic.
She is 6 too and only recently diagnosed and she isn't aware or seeing herself as different from her peers.
Each child is different and no one child is the same.

I agree ideally it would be the parents, at the right time etc but overall I can't help but think maybe it's a good thing the teacher told her & it's likely much less of a worry now (the wondering when's best, how to tell her etc) your post doesn't mention her being upset or anything so I'd just try & focus on her response to the news & how to answer any questions that may come up. Sounds like it could be viewed as a relief really & I like the reply from Mrs Gluck too

I’d be furious. Honestly what terrible clumsy way to behave. The teacher should be thoroughly ashamed of herself and if school knew she hadn’t been told yet then she should be disciplined. It’s nothing to do with being ashamed of her disability it’s about wanting to manage her experience in a positive way like you would explaining that you were divorcing. I’m so sorry this has happened.

Teacher had absolutely no right whatsoever to do this without your consent. I'm shocked that people think this is okay. Whether people think she should have been told or not its totally irrelevant the teacher had no right to over rule a parental decision. It doesn't sound like she's done a good job of explaining it anyway.

Had you explicitly told the school that you wanted it to be kept from her? The teach may have thought she already knew.

If the teacher explicitly knew you didn’t want DD to know they shouldn’t have told her. However, are you sure the teacher knew? Even if other school staff knew, unless you explicitly told this teacher the information may not have been passed on.

The key question is did you explicitly tell the school that her diagnosis was a secret?
It is highly unlikely that the teacher would do this to deliberately go against your wishes. It sounds more like it came out as part of a conversation about why she might find things more difficult or why she might need more help than her peers.

Honestly I'm shocked you didn't tell her, shame on you! Not nice to grow up knowing you are different and that you struggle with some things that others just find easy and not know why. Frankly you were doing your dd a massive disservice and underestimating her to boot.

what a disgustingly ignorant comment to make. How can you come to such a conclusion that I’m doing her a disservice? My daughter is bright and wonderful however she’s only just turned 6 and wouldn’t understand! Right now she is thriving and doing well in school. I don’t have to justify to anybody my reasons for not telling her yet. I’m her mum and I know she’s not ready for that conversation. When the time comes where I know I can explain things fully and she will understand then yes. But she is 6! She’s happy and healthy. Her dad and I will cross that bridge when it comes, be in a months time or a few years. Shame on YOU for being so bloody judgmental

We told our other children as it came up not as some great tahdah. I think it works better that way a bit like sex education which should imo be child lead rather than pushed before the questions are asked. Ds himself doesn’t really think about things like that but he knows he needs more help and can trust us to try and give it.

@dddxxx were they in private or has the teacher happily shared your child’s diagnosis with the class by having this conversation publicly.

Nothing you say about your daughter makes it sound like she wouldn't understand the basics of her diagnosis, at age 6 she doesn't need to fully understand it. And her being happy and thriving make it a good time to tell her, it doesn't need to be a big announcement at a time of crisis.

And you are wrong about not having to explain your decision to anyone. You will one day need to explain to your daughter why you kept this information from her.

@Porcupineintherough are you even a parent? You’re being totally ridiculous. OP is best placed to decide how to manage her child’s experience. As for “You will one day need to explain to your daughter why you kept this information from her.” it’s laughable. How will her child remember if she was told about it at 6, 6.5, or 8? Presumably she already knows she has difficulties perhaps that’s enough at the moment.

@5zeds thank you! ♥️

perhaps the teacher wasn’t aware that she didn’t know and I understand that everyone’s human mistakes happen. I was upset because as her mum I know that’s not information she should be told yet: Of course we will tell her, just when we know she’s old enough to understand which just now isn’t the case. It was during class time, infront of her peers.

During class in front of her peers is more of an issue. I think disclosing your diagnosis to others is a personal choice and I know I get uncomfortable having to make that decision for my child. There’s really no need for the teacher to be behaving like this. “X needs more help”, is just as effective as “X has Y so needs more help”, and and medical diagnosis aren’t usually shared like that. It’s not about shame it’s about privacy.

Who on earth do you think you are! It's not your decision nor the teachers.

Dddxxx Did you tell the school that she did not know and that it wasn't to be referred to? As far as I can see you haven't said this yet? I work in a school and unless otherwise informed I would assume a child was aware of their diagnosis.

@5zeds I'm sure she is aware she has both difficulties and differences -and that's the point. What explanations do you think she is coming up with to make sense of them? Do you think they will be positive, self esteem building ones?

My BiL is a self made millionaire. He's married, 2 adult kids, very good life. He was so, so happy to be diagnosed with asd at the age of 44. Because despite all of the above he was painfully aware of being different from a very young age and being different made him feel lesser, even though autism (for him) came with some very real advantages.

Obviously the OP has no intention of hiding her daughters diagnosis from her til she's an adult but when she does discuss it with her, she may be surprised at how aware her daughter is about her disability.

That’s fairly obvious @Porcupineintherough how have your accusatory judgemental posts helped OP deal with her child’s diagnosis being announced in front of her class before her parents and Drs have discussed it with her? This is a support forum for parents and this particular board is for parents of disabled children who have to navigate a very different path to many. You sound ignorant of any of the factors driving the decisions made and unbelievably unkind. A child diagnosed with asd in early primary in the uk (especially post pandemic) will have either the severest presentations of autism or extraordinarily driven and supportive parents. It’s unlikely they are in anyway trying not to do their very best.

Anyway OP I'm sorry I upset you and apologise wholeheartedly for the "shame on you" comment. You obviously care deeply about your dd and you have done well to get her diagnosed at such a young age.

Thank you everyone for your replies I appreciate them very much.

ive probably been naive in thinking her teacher will know she’s not aware of her diagnosis. It’s been human error but not ideal 😩we have a parent consultation scheduled with her next week so hopefully we can address this with her and move forward from there. My DD had mentioned that another boy in her class is autistic and that the teacher had told her this also. Maybe just need to have a chat with her and explain it’s not her place to be talking about anybody’s diagnosis. What if the boys parents didn’t want anyone to know and here we are, now I do. She might not have experience with situations like these but I’m sure she’ll change her ways once I’ve explained these issues with her. But yeah.. thank you everyone for your advice/comments x

As someone that was “bright and flourishing” at that age, it took my sons diagnosis at a young age to realise that I am also autistic. I always felt different and thought differently and though I did really well at school, I was so very aware that I was different.
I appreciate you think you’re doing right by your daughter but if I had grown up with a diagnosis and understanding it, I would’ve felt so much more like I belonged.

@CharlieG31 bit it might not have helped to be told about it at six. I genuinely can’t fathom how people are confusing, “we want to tell her when it’s a good time for her” with “we are never going to tell her”.

Because it’s a medical diagnosis that will help a child understand why they feel and think differently, they’ve already said there is a child with autism in her class already, children are exposed to differences and disabilities very early on these days and kids know exactly what it is.
As well as a parent of a child who’s autisticx going through diagnosis myself and a teaching assistant, we have reception classes learning about autism, dyslexia etc.
I was simply offering another view point to OP to how I would personally feel. Autism isn’t a life sentence or a trauma, it’s a part of who they are.