How do I know if my child’s quirks are something more?

[Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas]

6 yr old fairly high achieving girl.
Screaming, hyperventilating meltdown after school on Fridays. Similar, less sever behaviour during the week.
Asks in school holidays approx 8 times a day ‘what are we doing tomorrow’ and the next day despite the fact we have discussed it and have a visual calendar.
Anxiety, aches and pains at bedtime, school time.
Sensory issues around tights (I know this is common for many girls) and now most fruits.
Presents with no concerns at school.

When do I say I’m concerned and not just it’s because of lockdown?

Now.

I'm not an expert, but what you have described sounds awfully like how I have seen girls with ASD described. The holding it together at school, letting it out when safe at home, the sensory issues, anxiety.

Hopefully people wit direct experience will be along soon to advise.

The dilemma I have faced, and I expect other parents will say the same, is that you need a proper assessment to know for sure. A private assessment costs in the region of £2k. Our camhs waiting lists here are 3-4 years.

One of my kids struggled more at that age, went on the waiting list, and has finally had an assessment and got an asd diagnosis.

As we went through the assessment process, it became very clear that our other child, a girl a bit similar to your dd, is also likely autistic. She has done a lot of 'coping' at primary and because she keeps her head down, works hard and stays out of trouble, was just seen as shy.

We're now stuck with a young teen dd, no diagnosis, increasingly obvious ASD traits, high anxiety... there's no point now putting her on any waiting list as she'll have left home by the time they see her and she needs the support now.

Summary of that is - unless you have spare thousands to chuck at this, if you have genuine concerns get her name down on an assessment waiting list now. You can always turn down the assessment if you don't think she needs it.

The only way you will know for sure is if you go down the investigation/diagnosis route. Assuming there's no other obvious trigger (bereavement, trauma etc) I think there's enough here to warrant further investigation.

Personally, I don't believe the 'let's wait and see' approach does neurodiverse child any favours. If they are on the spectrum, they need support tailored to their needs - and they simply may not be getting that at school at the moment.