AIBU - totally insensitive gifts from MIL...

[r3dh3d]

OK, so MIL and FIL come round to discuss having DD2 for a while as we're off on holiday. Which is v nice of them and I'm grateful etc.

However, MIL (who only ever wanted girls and had 3 boys) insists on constantly buying the girls tatty presents; she's a great believer in quantity rather than quality and of course has to buy matching presents for both girls regardless of how inappropriate whatever-it-is is for DD1.

This time she bought them 2 pairs of slippers (DD1 is currently in kickers full-time while waiting for piedros, wearing slippers would give her all sorts of gait and posture problems) and a book ... entitled Big Sister/Little Sister or some such which is basically a twee little story about how big sister can do all these fabulous things and how little sister looks up to her and copies her all the time.

FFS! DD1 is nearly 4, developmentally 7 1/2 months and regressing if anything. DD1 overtook her at about 6 months. After a few months of desparately trying to interact with her, DD2 has now accepted that DD1 is different and treats her more like a much-loved pet than a sibling. . But now there's this fecking book that DD2 keeps begging me to read to her, about big sister riding her bike and little sister following her round on a tricycle etc.... I've started refusing to read it because I can't get to the end of the thing without crying.

What was the COW thinking when she bought this? Let's rub DD2's nose in it? Show her what she COULD have had if her sister was "normal"???? DD2 keeps flicking through the pages and obviously trying to puzzle it out and it's breaking my heart....

Meantime, I'm waiting for her to ring up and ask if DD1 is wearing the slippers and if-not-why-not. And because DH's relationship with his parents is deeply dysfunctional (he is the least favorite child and is always trying to curry favour whereas they'd not be overly bothered if they had a row and never spoke to him again) I'm not allowed to tell her the truth ie she'll never wear them.

Oh feck. I guess everyone else gets this sort of thing and I should just suck it up and smile sweetly. [sigh]

Rant over - thankyou for your patience!

I would be just as pissed off r3dh3d, and I would give up trying to work out what these tactless presents are all about. She is either deeply in denial or deeply stupid. Trouble is of course, you need them for the babysitting. So maybe just see it as that and try and be cool but civil. Must admit though that in your shoes, and having a big mouth myself, I would ask her in my politest tones and with great and genuine interest in my voice - "just wondering why you bought the sisters book, are you trying to show DD what life would be like if she had a NF big sister, just wondering what your thought process is?" "And the slippers - not sure whether I mentioned DD1's posture problems or not? My mistake if I didn't, but thanks so much anyway for the thought, got to go, dinner is boiling over..." Any luck, she'll take such umbrage that you won't see so much of her. Clearly this woman gets off on being nasty to her own DS, so I wouldn't let her get too much closer to your children as once a bitch always a bitch. But that's me with PMT, so probably you should wait for other advice! Big hugs!

Put the book in the bin, the same with any other inappropriate "gifts" that she gives your girls, it is not worth upsetting yourself over.

She sounds in total denial. I got very cross about this issue -but my counsellor woman pointed out that its actually (hard though it may be to believe it) subconcious. Just the way some people deal with something that's so bad for them they can't deal with it. My counsellor said the best way to deal with it was try and let it wash over me. Bloody difficult though. I can feel my blood pressure soar.

I'm sorry this has upset you! I have never had insensative in laws so am lucky.
Dont shoot me down (or get upset) but do you suppose ml bought what looked like a pretty book by its cover and failed to read it? Perhaps she only saw the sisterly cosiness (all girls together in frilly pink) and not what you can see! Perhaps she is misguidedly trying to treat the dgds as 'the same' and ignore the obvious like the slippers being unsuitable, the story drawing attention to the differences not the similarities! I'm just trying to figure it out-! But is it possible she is doing her best and just making a clumsy mess of it!

our dd1 is disabled and dh's family have always had difficulties; they have never really come to terms with the disability. It is frustrating and upsetting when sometimes they make obvious their lack of understanding of her condition.

And sometimes you just get given presents that aren't appropriate because people don't understand. We got a Rock Pool science kit from one very good friend, who had obviously thought it was a lovely gift, and had not thought about the practicalities of getting a child who walks with a wheeled frame down to a rock pool. Sometimes it is thoughtlessness, sometimes denial - and sometimes it is impossible to tell which one

With regards to the slippers I would say thank you but point out that she can't wear them

With regards to the book, if your dd wants to read it, let her read it. We read our children books about talking mice and dogs who make biscuits in their kitchens and all kinds of nonsense - it is fiction. You cannot shield your dd2 from the realities of a traditional family and nor should you. She does have a big sister, and she will grow up loving her and believing her situation to be normal; there is no shame in the relationship that your daughters have. I imagine you let her mix with other families with siblings who do not have developmental problems? Reading the book to her is no different to that.

It is hard, impossibly hard, not to get the support that you need from the people who need it most

I'm sorry that your mil has been thoughtless but please, getting angry about it is hurting only yourself

sounds like she is in denial. My MIL suggested that we had dd2 adopted so we could have a 'normal' baby
Then she pretty much ignored her for 2 and a half years until it became apparent that despite dd's severe physical impairments that she's actually quite bright. Now MIL asks to hold her and stuff and I just feel angry and resentful. Also angry that when dd nearly died and was in hozzie, MIL not once phoned to even check her grand-daughter was still alive

and tell your dh that keeping his family in the dark about the realities of his daughter's condition in order to keep the peace is deeply insulting to her

you should not have to pretend that she is somethign that she is not

I have reread your post and wonder if you yourself needs someone to talk to, some counselling or a friendly ear - especially the part about crying when you read the book. It is obviously upsetting you, and of course it will, but maybe you need some help to come to terms with your family situation or just a friendly ear when things come up like this which make you sad. Sometimes when I thought it was getting too much I would call a sympathetic therapist of dd1s and she was lovely. Your HV might also be able to refer you to a counsellor just so that you have an outlet for this.

I don't mean to imply that you are not coping because obviously you are doing a great job, but it is hard, and sometimes we forget that we need help as well as our children. Watching dd2 develop normally for me was a bittersweet experience - it throws into contrast the difficulties that dd1 has, and also reminded me of how incredibly painful those first years of coming to terms with things were. It's a very hard time, and you might need a shoulder to cry on to help you through it

it's really hard buying appropriate gifts for disabled children. I am often at a loss to know what to buy my own autistic 9 year old. This year my MIL bought him a guitar. He loved it. If he hadn't loved it, I probably would have thought "insensitive cow, of course he won't like that". Bit of a lose-lose situation really. It's great that they offer to take your kids, ours just can't manage Tom any more which is a shame for all of them. My own mum used to ask in Hamleys "what would an autistic child like?" and they'd make all sorts of suggestions that through no fault of theirs turned out to be wrong She'd then get really angry that he did'nt like them, which added stress to the situation. Yes, I'm sure part of it is wishing your DD didn't regress but perhaps also part of saying that they view them as two little girls who they love, not as one with a disability and the other? We have a book called "my brother is different". I read it to the NT son and my ASD son just burst into tears. So, you're so right to be careful about you read to her and about her that might cause upset. If you still feel your DD is regressing have you looked at the UK based Treating AUtism site? www.treatingautism.com. They've helped us a lot. LIke you our son is nowhere near age appropriate. He's 9, mostly non verbal, learning age probably about 2 years old in most areas, perhaps 5 in certain cognitive stuff and 18 months in personal care.

r3's dd isn't autistic though, I don't think treating autism will be able to help tbh.

I do think there's a difference between buying a toy that doesn;t work and one that goes on about an alternative vision of reality (I had years of ebing asked by one family member whether we'd put ds1's name down for a public school yet- he's 8 and non verbal!)

Thanks for all the replies folks. It was helpful just to get it out, tbh, especially as DH is due back any moment and I'll have to button my lip again.

I do appreciate how difficult it is to buy the "right" thing (it confounds me at least twice a year). And I'm usually ... well, not laid back about it, but resigned. This was just A Gift Too Far, I guess. The odd thing is that MIL's father was in a wheelchair since before she was born and if someone had bought him slippers she'd be the first to rage and hiss at them. She's forever telling me that she's not like my parents, because "she understands what it's like". But my parents would never have bought either of those presents.

Cappucino, you're right of course that DD2 will of course see what other people's families are like, and that's a good thing. But I'd rather she worked it out for herself and in the context of their being more than one sort of "normal" (next door but one have a daughter at DD1's SLD/PMLD school, for instance...) than have rammed down her throat, only just turned 2, that this is the rosy-posy world of how it "ought" to be. She's young enough that she takes this sort of thing uncritically and at face value. She's struggling to understand atm that the Big Bad Wolf isn't really waiting in the woods for her.

Yurt is right btw - ASD not on DD1's list of conditions. A good thought, though, TMA and I do appreciate what you are saying though it doesn't entirely translate to our situation. DD1's underlying problem is she has about 1/3 of a working brain, and that 1/3 is not in good shape. We don't understand enough about why to know if she really is regressing; I don't think about it so much as it would be organic regression and so not good news in life expectancy terms.

r3dh3d, have you thought of asking your mil to be more involved. By that I mean, take her to a paed appt once or twice especially one which you know is a full on one! Ask her if she would come with you when you take your dd1 to her sn playschool. In other words, you will not be telling her the truth and there fore you will be doing what your dh wants, but teaching her in another way. BTW, my gran would forever buy ds slippers, so in the end we worked out the size of ds shoe size with his pedro's on and tell her that was his shoe size and when she came around she would see him in the slippers, but they were over his pedro's (obv we had to 'modify' them) when she commented, we explained that her paedro told us he must wear the pedro's ALWAYS. A bit low, but she got the message.

shoot, you know we meant his paed said he had to wear the paedro's. oops