Potentially ASD 3 year old - Behavioural help needed

[Sillymummies123]

I'm looking for some advice regarding violence/aggression from my (just turned) 3 year old ds who is now waiting to be assessed for ASD (on doctors recommendation) - The red flags in the developmental review were: Refusal to share, aggression when repeatedly asked to share, playing methodically (laying out coloured beads in lines), reduced eye contact.

Let it be said that childcare providers have always commented ona slightly delay and that he is 'serious' but meltdowns are primarly reserved for home, and when they come, they involve hitting and shouting 'NO' arching, throwing etc.

Now with him speaking, being, at times, flexible, making eye contact with us (Albeit, not as much as my bond has craved), we suspected he was neurotypical and when the hitting and general defiance started, we began age appropriate consequences - removal of toy if thrown, time out if hitting, firm, but calm, 'we do not hit'. As the months have gone on, in response to all of this, our ds hitting and shouting and general defiance and aggression have rocketed. Time outs were never actually successful as he would hit, scream and fight back until he'd long since forgotten why he was there. He would begin hitting us and then say 'I hit mummy', and hit whenever there was a whiff of him not getting his own way. We held our ground, calmly applying consequences but when things only continued to escalate we knew in our hearts something was wrong.

Since the ASD assessment has been on the cards, we've given ample transition warning, tried to sooth anxiety with preferred sensory things (he loves lights), etc. But the confrontation remains. He hits, but we've now adopted an 'ignore' him until he attempts to get attention in a more positive way, at which point we talk through (Briefly and plainly) - We don't hit, hitting hurts. He has gone crazy at this, but it does actually work. He doubled down (still does on some days) and eventually comes to us for a cuddle instead of hitting.

I am just (apart from at this point bordering on depressed and scared of my child) so confused as to what to do. The ignoring seems the most effective, and it will take time to undo the confrontation of the past year, but my confidence in managing his behaviour is shattered. I don't feel I could stop him hitting us if he really wanted to. We've had an hour before of hitting, and my confidence in standard behaviour management techniques has gone out the window. I have visions of him being 6 and hitting us when we say no to sweets or tell him its bed time, and I feel very bleakly about the future. He isn't violent (not especially explosive with transitions) in childcare, and so part of me thinks he must be able to control it here, only all efforts on our part have failed.

If we discuss feelings 'oh, you look sad' this further enrages him. If we restrain his arm, or both, he'll use feet, if we restrain those, he uses the head. IF we time out, he trashes everything within reach, doesn't stay on the seat, and comes for us. We've spent well over an hour putting him back on occasion, by which, as i say above, he's forgotten why he's there. Quite aside - now that we have the ASD query - the literature I've read says he's unlikely to understand consequences anyway?

Any and all advice appreciated and if you would like further info to give advice then please ask. Wits end (and, frankly, quite scared of my own home).

sorry you’ve had no replies yet. I’m afraid I don’t really have much advice but I’m sorry things are so tough and you sound like you’re doing your very best. Hope someone more useful comes along soon

Sorry, this sounds so hard.

Is he hitting because he's reached a point of being so dysregulated by the normal demands of everyday life that he cannot cope? Is there a way of reducing demands? E.g. instead of asking him to put his shoes on, do it for him; instead of expecting him to stay at the table until he's finished his food, let him decide when to get up and say nothing; reduce the amount of questions you ask him, and have more silences too; don't limit screen time for a while and see if it helps; use a buggy so he doesn't always have to walk; instead of expecting him to attend a full day of nursery, reduce the hours or keep him at home..does doing anything like that make a difference? Obviously those examples may not fit your situation and you would have to think about how demands look in his life.

Also, think about what his early signs of dysregulation are, and act early before others would even know anything is wrong - does he start a particular stim when he's had enough of a playdate/the park/the conversation? Keep visits short and give lots of warning about leaving, preferably with a distraction.

Look up the "coke bottle effect" and consider what the triggers/signs might be - which things might tend to shake up the bottle a bit before you've even noticed that he's struggling?

Hope something in there helps. Every autistic child is different of course.

To add:

1. Yes, forget the consequences. He won't get them.. focus instead on preventative action, and support him when things go wrong. Think of the meltdown/aggression as like a panic attack; he's in fight or flight mode. How can you reduce the chance of it in the first place?

1. Ask childcare provider to reduce demands. Yes he's probably "fine" there, because he's masking, and then feels safe to let it all out at home.

1. You know him best of all and will be his best advocate.

1. You've lost confidence in the behaviour management stuff because he's not the type of child who is able to respond to that.

We ignored a very obviously attention seeking episode for 45 minutes yesterday and he has been virtually adifferent child since. Happy, amicable, visibly less anxious and having more fun. I guess he has been liviving an unhappy life of confrontation!

It’s hard OP, no question.

Behaviour is communication. Because he doesn’t yet have the words or social skills, this is how it’s being expressed. You need to try and understand the root cause.

Child psychologists do not recommend ignoring a child when they exhibit ‘bad’ behaviour (see above for why). If you were visibly upset and your dp ignored you, how do you think it would feel?

You need to model that all feelings are ok and allowed, but not all behaviour is. Set limits but be empathetic. Time-in’s vs time-outs are better. Work to build the skills he is lacking in a playful, engaging way. It will take time unfortunately.

This sounds SO much like my DS - similar age, awaiting ASD diagnosis.

One thing that seems to be working at the moment is before (or even mid)strop I'll stop, get down to eye level and hold his hands, and ask him (sincerely like I really want to know, not snapping at him - which is so tempting when they're hitting you!!) "what do you want?" Basically, asking him why he's behaving like that, but phrased in a way that's easier for him to respond to than "why are you hitting me". It either gets to the root cause through words rather than hitting, or at the very least lets him choose his own distraction! When he tells me what he wants I make a point of following through or, if I can't right away (i.e we don't have time then and there) then I say "ok, first X then X (what he wants)" and always make sure I tell him when I'm following through with the promise so he knows he can enter into that bargain with me in future.

I'm trying this approach after reading the Explosive Child book (if that hasn't already been mentioned) and, for now it's seems to be working. If you haven't picked it up yet it's worth a read, though it focuses more on older children.

I really appreciate your sincerity and comeradere. It sounds a great idea but if I did that I'd get a punch in the mouth 😂😂😂😂

Having some interim success with telling him to come to X, Y , Z when he's ready and more often than not he appears quite quickly. Also he loves lights and we've got a waterproof led thing that is excellent bait for most transitions.

I started some SSRIs a couple of days ago and am feeling more hopeful with no bothersome side effects. I think, for all the posting and pleading I do for help, getting myself to a place of high resilience will be the key.

Thanks to all who suggested the explosive child. Need to include a trigger warning that page one has a story about a 10ish year old who is still just as difficult (I suppose that's to show the outcome of trying to emotionally beat the quality out, and not an inevitability)

Haha, fair enough! My DS loves lights too - especially traffic lights, and a lot of the tantrums are when he can't walk the way he wants to, press the buttons to cross the road, etc. We'd often end up having to carry him kicking and screaming, hitting and pulling my hair out down the road if we just didn't have the time or ability then and there to accommodate the sensory seeking. For now, this bargaining - and giving him some control when we can by building in extra time or going on walks where he can decide where we go - is working for us. I just hope it lasts!

Oh, wow! We have a traffic light obsession too. And yes - one of the many triggers is not being able to see them, even though we see them a lot, and even when we've seen them, we haven't seen them enough.

@Sillymummies123 it makes going anywhere difficult doesn't it!!

And I totally I know every child is different, so one solution won't always work with another. For us, it's felt like giving our DS some control of the situation - giving him choices, pausing to ask him what he wants, etc - has been a real game changer. The difficult behaviour isn't gone by any means, but it at least gives us a route out of the tantrums that's less horrible for everyone. He's getting too big and strong for me to carry down the road any more and I've actually missed work because I couldn't get him to cooperate and either walk to nursery or walk home! We were just stuck on the road for an hour and a half because I couldn't get him (by asking him or by dragging/carrying him) to go in any direction I needed him too. Getting over that hurdle has made a massive difference for us.