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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

This will be hard........

25 replies

anniebear · 28/11/2004 16:59

Grace and Ellie my twins are 3yrs 3m. Ellie has special needs, Grace has none.

They both have dummies at bedtime but no other time in the day. Just as they go to bed.

My Sister made a comment the other day that Grace shouldn't be having them at all now and that if we took them away that after a few bad nights she is sure she would be fine.

Well I can't handle any amount of bad nights at the moment with Grace as Ellie isn't a good sleeper, so if Grace sleeps through every night with a dummy, who cares? I don't! There are more important things for me to worry about!

But at some point Grace will have her dummy taken away.........

So I have been telling her lately that after Christmas she will be getting to big for it. She asked "what about Ellie?" I said that Ellie may have to have her dummy for longer as she has been poorly and doesn't understand. Grace says "I am poorly as well"!!!! I told her that she has had a cold but Ellie had a poorly brain.

So now she says that she also has a poorly brain (hope she doesn't tell them at Pre School!!!!!)

It is so hard as even though they are twins, there development is different, with Ellie being very behind in everything.

I can't say to Grace "Well Ellie is younger than you" like you would with two siblings.

Grace has been told about what happened to Ellie but she is only 3!!

I feel bad as to Grace it could look like I am showing favouritism to Ellie by still giving her dummies.

Oh well, have this to look forward to when we brave taking her dummy away!!!!!

OP posts:

gothicmama · 28/11/2004 17:03

can she not keep it until they are both ready to sleep through without it - Grace may also out grow it by herself without the need for you to intervene - a very hard delemma.

Donbean · 28/11/2004 17:08

Why do you have to take it away? Annie, can you not wait until Grace doesnt want it any more, naturally on her own.
IF IT AINT BROKE, WHY FIX IT?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster

anniebear · 28/11/2004 17:10

I don't mind her having for a bit longer, but she starts full time School in September, don't really want her having a dummy then, even if it is just at night.

With regards to leaving Grace with a dummy untill Ellie sleeps through..........It will be a miracle when Ellie sleeps through!!! They could well be having dumies at 10!!!!!

OP posts:

80sMum · 28/11/2004 17:11

Children seem to have an inate sense of fairness, and Grace will see the taking of her Dummy but not Ellie's as very unfair. Might be best to let them both keep them for a bit longer, or Grace may become jealous of Ellie.

Original poster

anniebear · 28/11/2004 17:11

Yes I know.......September is ages away!!!

I do like to worry about things far far away!!!!

OP posts:

meea · 28/11/2004 17:17

I wouldn't take it away because she is starting school in September my nt dd2 starts school in January and still has her dummy all the time she isn't at nursery.I wish I could get her to just have it at bedtime.
You may find that if you leave her to decide when she's ready herself that by September she will have got rid of it herself.I know my eldest son did.
I havn't pushed things with my own daughter as she lost her grandma in August and has become more reliant on it for comfort since then.

Catbert · 28/11/2004 17:22

If your children "needed" a special bear, or snuggly thing to fall asleep - would your sister be commenting?

Isn't it really the same thing?

merlot · 28/11/2004 17:28

One of my friends dd had a dummy at night when she was 5. After a while at school (when she obviously felt grown up) she said she didn't want a dummy any more as these were for babies. I'd let nature takes it course .

Original poster

anniebear · 28/11/2004 17:35

DH was worried about their teeth, but I did say to him that they only have them, at night and usually they fall out when they fall into a deep sleep ( that is the dummies and not their teeth!!!!!!!!)

OP posts:

Davros · 28/11/2004 17:41

Let them both keep them! Your sister should be a bit more sensitive as this isn't just a dummy issue, its upset you about them being twins and being different

luckymum · 28/11/2004 17:54

Annie - there's no right time to get rid of the dummy. If they are both happy and Grace sleeps well then leave it be for now.

My dd still had a dummy when she started school. When I picked her up it used to be in the glove compartment and she would have a sneaky suck before I strapped her in. She was embarrassed to be seen with it but wasn't ready to ditch it. She was almost 5 before she gave it up The same will probably happen with Grace, and she maybe won't be bothered that Ellie still has hers.

jakbrown · 28/11/2004 18:41

Anniebear, my DD still has a dummy and will probably have one for several years. Infact, they are all over the house! (mainly down the back of radiators). I think it is insensitive of your sister and, heh, in the grand scheme of things, I'm sure the last thing you need to be worrying about is dummys!

coppertop · 28/11/2004 18:56

I agree with the others. Let them both keep them if they still want them. It's very easy for your sister to say to take the dummies away but she isn't going to be the one to suffer the consequences is she?

My sons didn't/don't have dummies but their 'thing' was baby bottles. Ds1 only gave up his nightime baby bottle just after he turned 4yrs old. He swopped it for a sports bottle. Ds2 is nearly 2yrs old ans still only drinks milk from a bottle. I get disapproving comments but I ignore them now. The alternative would be too much of a nightmare right now.

Go along with what you want to do - not what your sister thinks you should do.

blossomhill · 28/11/2004 19:26

Hi Anniebear

Well my personal experience is that don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want or have to do.
My ds (nt) eventually gave up his dummy just before his 4th birthday. My dd (5) still has her dummy (try to restrict it at night but do admit to using it if she is upset or needs to relax) as it obviously gives her comfort and seeing that she does have special needs it isn't exactly high priority. We did try and get her to give it up for her 5th birthday saying that she was a big girl and dummies were for babies and it worked the first night. The 2nd night she was so distraught and upset for nearly 2 hours that we eventually gave in. We have now decided to try again at christmas and are going to send her a letter from father christmas just beforehand saying that she is a big girl and that he will take them away for some little children that need them. Fingers crossed it works this time.
Just do it when you feel ready as you have enough to deal with. Good luck

80sMum · 28/11/2004 19:29

My friend's dd still has a dummy at night and she's six!

aloha · 28/11/2004 19:33

Well, personally, and especially in your shoes, I'd leave the dummy where it is. Your sister isn't the boss of you (to paraphrase Malcolm in the Middle!) and she's no expert on childraising I imagine - no offence to her, but really, it's none of her business. You have a lot on your plate and I really think if it makes your life more pleasant, leave the situation as it is. BTW my son is about the same age and still has a night time dummy, so maybe I'm biased, but happiness and peace mean a lot more to me than impressing other people who aren't raising my son.

aloha · 28/11/2004 19:36

Oh, I see everyone says the same thing! And that has to mean something, eh, Anniebear? My son has some sensory issues which seems to mean that sucking is especially comforting to him. But that's not an excuse. I think children should be allowed their comfort objects - as someone wise here said, if your daughters went to bed with their special teddies your sister wouldn't say anything, would she?

blossomhill · 28/11/2004 19:43

ds still has his comfort blanket that he has had since he was a baby and he is 7 in Jan!

Davros · 28/11/2004 19:45

I am glad I didn't give a dummy to DS who has autism, even though many people tried to pressure us to do so. Unknown to me I now realise it would have been much harder to get him to give it up than for an NT child. Don't mean to sound smug as I really didn't know any of this then.
Having said that, I still think you should let both your twins keep them, this is such a trivial thing in the scheme of things and is really helping all of you, its not just a neutral thing so leave them well alone!

Twiglett · 28/11/2004 19:50

bribery and corruption works .. but you may need to wait a few months

DS (who is NT) got into a terrible habit (IMHO) of drinking a bottle of milk .. with teat before sleeping .. he was still doing it at 3

When he was 3 years and 3 months I bribed him .. said if he could give it up for 7 days he could have a special present .. we counted each morning after as one day .. he gave it up that night, on day 4 happily threw the bottles in the bin .. on day 7 he got his special present

actually he got 2 'cos he asked for a slide, I said no too big bought him Lego little Robots which he opened with glee said 'wow .... am I having this whilst I wait for my slide?' )

What I think I am saying is if Grace has the cognitive ability to be bribed in a few months time .. go for it

HTH

Original poster

anniebear · 28/11/2004 21:09

Thanks for all thr replies.

My Sister and I are really close but she does have too many opinions at times!! Seems to think we should all do what she has done with her one child (now 10) and who she never had any problems with.

I just see it like there are lots of 'ideal' things I would like to do be able to do (eg, sleep in my bed with my DH on our own and without Ellie joining us every night!! But it is giving us a bit of sleep at last and keeping us from breaking point at the moment)

But because of Ellie there are lots of things we have to adapt.

Thanks again
xxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

JaysMum · 28/11/2004 21:12

anniebear
If your daughters both get comfort from their dummies - then leave them be - I am 36 and I still suck my thumb when I go to bed!!!!!!
My sister is 34 and she still takes a babygrow to bed with her to snuggle - I always buy her a new one ay christmas!!!!
We all need some comfort in our lives - I wouldnt worry about it too much - your daughters will give them up when they want to.

eidsvold · 29/11/2004 00:54

just wanted to echo what everyone else said.... if it makes life just that little easier - so be it. there will come a time when Grace no longer wants the dummy... much easier to do it at her pace than your sister's.....

Tess04 · 29/11/2004 01:00

my son gave his to Santa a little after he was four he thought it was a great exchange and never went back - really it was his choice and i think he chose when he was ready, he only had it at night time too. He also has a cuddly which helped as he wasn't giving up everything and now he is 7+ and still has the cuddly, but that's fine, i still have my old teddy somewhere and i'm ....

Issymum · 29/11/2004 08:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

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