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How to explain to DS(12) we think he may be ND in order to start assessment process?

7 replies

Dustinsdart · 04/09/2022 11:27

Just that really. We’ve suspected DS(12) may be ND for a long time (possible ADHD/ASD) and want to approach his school senco to initiate the assessment process.

However, we’ve never broached this subject with DS himself and really don’t know where to start. How did you explain this to your child & how did they take it?

Any advice you can give would be really appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
foxy86 · 06/09/2022 20:11

Hi, would he understand anyway? My son has been through the assessment but we started last September when he was 9. Not told him why he is seeing a consultant etc. take it step by step. Speak to school about if they have concerns and if so ask for a referral to be made. Then wait to see if it is accepted. If it is then go from there and speak to school about how to speak to your son about it. Or visit the National autism website I think there is a section on there about discussing it with children.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 08/09/2022 17:25

DS is nine and is awaiting assessment. We've discussed this with him because he has violent meltdowns that make him very distressed and having a potential explanation and being able to talk to him about some of the things we're doing to get help is, I hope, reassuring for him.

LightTripper · 09/09/2022 09:53

I think it's definitely worth discussing with him. Does he have self-awareness of the things that make you think he may be ND? My DD was Dx'd young, so we just always talked about it in the hope it would not be a "big deal" to her (which I think has basically worked), and most ND people say they would have liked to know earlier rather than later. DD quite likes understanding that when she finds things hard it's not because she's being silly or over-reacting, she genuinely is having a different (more intense) experience than her NT classmates - I think it helps her self-confidence.

Maybe a book would be good? There is a new one by Joe Wells that might be good as it covers all kinds of ND (Autism/ADHD/Dyslexia for sure, I think possibly also OCD and others). It's not pathologising and he might see some of himself in some of the people and it could be a good basis for a conversation?

www.amazon.co.uk/Wired-Differently-Neurodivergent-People-Should-ebook/dp/B09MDS6J65

Dustinsdart · 10/09/2022 11:36

Thanks for the replies.

@foxy86 yes I think he’d understand. He’s a very bright boy, high achieving at school. My main worry is that he’d take it quite badly. He has low self esteem and doesn’t take kindly to anything he might perceive as criticism, no matter how much of a positive spin we put on it. Thanks for the website recommendation, I’ll take a look.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair lots of the things he does are quite minor, and this will sound awful, but can be really difficult (irritating) to live with. He makes a lot of odd noises (clucking/screeching), repeats himself a lot, talks excessively and only about his chosen subject of interest (hyperfocus?), is very lively and always jumping around, standing on his head, touches things you tell him not to and doesn’t seem to see danger. He’s also an extremely picky eater. And he can get very angry when upset and will cry/throw things/headbutt the floor which is getting harder to manage as he gets older, bigger & physically stronger.

@LightTripper thanks for the book recommendation I’ll look it up. I’m not sure how self aware he is of the things he does. We’re forever telling him to stop doing x/y/z so you’d think he’d know.

I know we need to bite the bullet & have the conversation but I feel scared at how he will respond and whether school will even take us seriously.

We’ve approached his GP and primary school in the past. GP wanted to wait & see. Primary said they couldn’t see what we see at home so we’ve never had the backing of school to pursue it further. Then Covid followed by a move to secondary. He’s a model student in school, high achieving, never disruptive, has lots of friends, so I still feel even now that we’ll be laughed at, that they’ll just tell us it’s bad parenting on our part.

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 10/09/2022 18:47

With my son I explained that some people learn differently and think differently and we were seeing a doctor who could advise the best way to help him learn. Your son is a bit older so you could perhaps explain the term neurodivergent to him if you think he would understand and I explain how it can help him to understand whether his brain works differently to the majority.

Porcupineintherough · 10/09/2022 21:47

Our son told us Blush but I wouldn't wait for that to happen. I think I would start by acknowledging the difficulties that he knows he has (the things that make him cry and headbutt the floor) and frame it as looking at why that happens and wanting to understand better so you can help.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 12/09/2022 12:22

HotPenguin · 10/09/2022 18:47

With my son I explained that some people learn differently and think differently and we were seeing a doctor who could advise the best way to help him learn. Your son is a bit older so you could perhaps explain the term neurodivergent to him if you think he would understand and I explain how it can help him to understand whether his brain works differently to the majority.

That's pretty much how we started talking to DS about it. We'd already talked about it a bit because my friends grandson is autistic and he'd overheard me mention it and asked me what it meant.

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