Not coping with ds, possible SN.

[Baconandcoffee]

Not sure where to start really. Ds is 11 and Every moment of every day is waiting for him to kick off, he’s so incredibly angry all the time. Screaming, huge toddler-like tantrums, breaking things, for what seems like no reason. Most of the time I don’t even know what’s set him off. He refuses to tell me, during or after, just shuts down completely. He won’t listen to me at all, punishment don’t work, bribery doesn’t work, he says himself ‘punishments won’t work, just make me angrier’ ‘saying sorry is pointless it doesn’t change anything’. He doesn’t see why he should have rules, it’s like he thinks he’s an adult and anything expected of him is unfair.

Everything is a battle, what he wears, what he eats, the order he wants to do things in, literally everything. He is losing friends with these outbursts too. He is showing a lot of anxious behaviour, like needing to do or say certain things he says it makes his brain feel funny if he doesn’t. He also thinks peoples faces are showing emotions that they really aren’t and gets angry with them.

Now ds has had a very difficult year, he lost his dad at Christmas and although his anger and anxieties were there before, they have understandably amplified. It’s been awful for all of us. His older brother has ASD and I was so sure that because ds was so different to him that maybe I’ve completely missed his own difficulties. Or maybe I’ve just lost control of parenting, I’m honestly not sure what to do for the best anymore.

So sorry to hear about his dad. How awful for you all. You might want to look up autism with PDA and see if it fits?

I second looking at PDA. The PDA society have lots of information and advice on their website. Also look at Yvonne Newbold’s resources.

He refuses to tell me, during or after, just shuts down completely.

He might not actually know. Or he might not be able to communicate it. Have you tried making a detailed diary to see if you can spot triggers?

What is DS like at school? Are they providing any support - MH, social, emotional literacy and sensory support? Has DS ever been assessed by an OT?


Is DS receiving any bereavement support? Winston’s Wish are helpful, too.


If you haven’t already asking for social care assessments will help.

Thank you both for the replies. I’ve read up on that and yes it seems very familiar.
Ive not done a diary, but that’s a good idea I’ll definitely do that.
I have spoken with Winstons wish previously, they gave me a lot of information but don’t have in person support in my area. We are waiting on bereavement support from another charity, but there’s a waiting list.
I feel so guilty that I can’t help him more, or that maybe he does have SN and I’ve missed it all this time. I feel like I’m on egg shells around him all the time but also my heart breaks for how he must be feeling. It very it hard to know what’s grief and what’s other difficulties.