MIL left toilet phobic DD outside

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For context, DD6 has some sensory and development issues, is prone to unexpected meltdowns and suddenly running off when overwhelmed. She has some toileting issues preferring to soil herself than go to the actual toilet! ASD assessment pending.

Yesturday, I dropped DD off at MIL's for what I thought was a few hours playing quietly in the house. When I went to collect DD, I discovered that MIL had actually decided to take her out. They went to a local shopping centre for a walk round and a cake. It all went well aparently until MIL decided to take DD to the toilet where DD refused to go in. MIL told me she went in anyway leaving DD standing outside by herself totally unsupervised in a busy public place!

I'm not sure what bothers me about this more - the fact that I didn't know they were going out, the fact that she took DD to a public toilet knowing this was an issue for her and just assumed that she could manage it better, or the fact that DD was left by herself in a public place (I keep visualising the CCTV of poor Jamie Bulger being taken away).

Would this bother you and how would you raise it with MIL?

I wouldn't be bothered about someone who was looking after my dc taking them out. You either trust them or you don't.

BUT I would need to raise the leaving her outside the toilet as being a big no no. Of course, if your MiL needed to go, she needed to go, so I think you need to highlight to her why, at the moment, it isn't possible to take her out, when there is only one adult, for longer than you are both likely to manage without a toilet.

Really depends on your relationship with MIL and where your partner fits in to it.

Sometimes ‘show don’t tell’ is most powerful. Show her what you normally do, and why you normally do it.

Also, perhaps your MIL didn’t expect to need the loo and panicked when she couldn’t wait. She might not want to reveal that to you.

I wouldnot trust your mil to take your daughter anymore. She has no idea about children on the spectrum or about child safety.

And, I forgot to say. It would bother me 100%. I’d have to be very confident that it wouldn’t happen again to let MIL take her out again.

Leaving them unsupervised was very irresponsible, though the rest wouldn't bother me that much, I'd assume good intentions which went badly wrong. Anyone I trusted to look after my kids, I would trust to take them out, so that bit wouldn't bother me at all.

Your MIL needing the toilet is also not unreasonable. She possibly didn't realise that your DC's toilet issue's extended to entering the public toilets, and though they would be able to go in and wait, just not go themselves? Obviously only you know how aware your MIL is, but if she's only previously had them at home, it may not have come up before.

If she only found out you child could not come in and wait at the time, and wasn't able to wait until they got home, she was in a difficult position and made a bad choice in the spare of the moment. I'd reiterate that she can not do that again, and explain what strategies you would use in that situation, but I'd focus on helping her do better not allocating blame.