What (not?)to say to friend whose DC have been diagnosed with autism

[scissorsandsellotape]

I have a friend who has twins with an older brother - one of the twins has just been diagnosed autistic and his older brother recently too. I think she is relieved to get the diagnosis but knows that there is a long road ahead with schooling etc- one DS is 7 the other 4.

I'm a long time poster here so from what I've read I know that this isn't the end of the world. I also know that there's a lot going on for parents of kids with autism and I want to do what I can to support her - but from a distance as we live 3 hours drive away - I wish I could take the kids for her to give her a break if she needs one.

Grateful for any advice and help - esp on what NOT to say - she has a lot on her plate and is a sensitive soul at the best of times.

I think I can be overly sensitive about what people say, but personal views (/experiences):

don’t say:

• It’s a superpower


• oh I bet [he / she] will be a genius


• so and so have an autistic DC who is doing really well now (/ generally, unrelated experiences I did not find helpful)


• everyone’s a bit autistic


• i read this article about curing autism, etc


• do you know what caused it? Do you have autism in the family? (For me, I spent enough time worrying about causes and don’t need anyone else to add to it)


• how’s it going? Is there anything I can do to help?


• How are the kids? (Try to ask in a normal way like you would with other NT DCs. I get a lot of ‘how is DD’s progress’ ‘do you think she’s doing any better’ - also people stop asking about DD2 (NT)


• have you met any parents in a similar situation (I think encouraging support groups can be helpful, because it’s hard for an NT parent to fully understand)


• also, continue to be a normal friend. If you watch or read Something she would like, let her know. Or something funny to share, etc. Continue to have conversation outside autism because it can start to really dominate both daily life but also thoughts. Feels like some friends back off because of not knowing what to say

you sound like a kind friend and the fact you even ask the question probably means you’re not saying the wrong thing :-)

I think the only thing that gets me is the "we're all on the spectrum". Once you learn enough to understand that that's not technically true, it's really hard not to launch into a lecture about why that sentence is incorrect haha.

The fact that you are recognising she could do with some help and want a break sometimes? That is a true friend. If I had someone who recognised the need for some meaningful help, and followed through and just did it, I wouldn't care at all if they accidentally came out with something awkward because they clearly "got" the important stuff. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes even when you mean well, but actions speak a lot louder than words.