Dd lack of friends

[Itshotoutthere]

Dd not diagnosed yet but has ( to me and teacher) poss ASD traits. Everything is black and white and if there's any change its meltdown ( mostly at home). Despite several chats dd still can't cope with someone saying theyre her friend, and gets upset if they play with someone else. She met a friend on the next Street same age but due to stubborness ( from both) and inflexibility ( dd) always falling out. Dd friends mum has now says they need a break from each other. Dd major meltdown at this. Embarrassingly it now transpires dd has written in biro on their garage door ( they've only moved in 3 months ago) and d called her dd a bee eye tee see haitch! Advice/ opinions needed please ( am so embarrassed - made dd go and apologise to dd mum face to face which caused another meltdown ARGHHHHH

Are the school providing any support for building friendships and social skills? Or emotional literacy support?

How old is DD? I think you need to supervise playing more so you can step in when needed and de-escalate/distract and maybe provide more structured interaction as well. Some DC find it easier if the interaction is structured rather than free play.

what about a group like guides or brownies (I don’t think you said her age) or a dance / sport class. Where it’s play / fun but quite heavily regulated.

might take a while to find something where the helpers are really tuned in but it could work.

She's 9. Tried gymnastics/ rainbows/ brownies and numerous clubs. Always ends in tears / meltdowns.

School have tried social interactions/ friendship groups and have helped do a referral to be assessed but these things take time - massive waiting list.

When she's in full in meltdown mode I have to stop the car , it takes over an hour for her to calm down ( usually after school). She's broken her bed by kicking it. My doors are full of dents and my body is full of bruises.
Her friendships she's made with a couple of the neighbours children's have not lasted long due to her outbursts.

The school don’t need to wait for a diagnosis to provide more support. From your most recent post DD’s friendship difficulties are only part of her needs. Looking at triggers and deescalating is likely to help.

While waiting for an autism assessment, look at a referral to OT. In some areas they don’t commission sensory OT but in some they do. Also, look at SALT.

If part of the problem in the car is DD keeping her seatbelt on look at a crelling harness.

Thanks- should've posted before the schools broke up!
Is it school who do referral to salt and OT?
At the moment she's keeping her belt on ( once we manage to get it on) it's more the screaming and booting the back of the seat with force.....
Sometimes I've had to resort to taking her shoes off if we're stuck in traffic but this makes it worse. I've tried stopping the car and taking her out ( when it's safe ), hoping she can scream/ shout / lash out in a safer environment ( also hoped this may help her to calm down,) but she runs off and people stare/ make comments. It's awful. I tried to stop her from running off and she just shouts louder ( you're hurting me) get off/ I hate you etc ( I'm only holding her hand to stop her running off into the road! ). I've tried hugging her hoping to reduce the meltdown but she just kicks and punches me. So I don't do that anymore.. it's not as bad once we get home as she can go up to get room and scream/ decompress and calm down.

Also re triggers - it can be anything. Usually School related. At pick up If I ask her how she is - she'll have a meltdown - if I don't ask her, she'll have a meltdown because obviously I don't care.
Meltdowns in a morning because she needs to get dressed. She's aware of this. Once I dropped her off at school and I praised her for having a lovely morning/ getting dressed etc. She replied saying because she's had a good morning, she'll probably have a bad day and be angry when I pick her up......

"I think you need to supervise playing more so you can step in when needed and de-escalate/distract and maybe provide more structured interaction as well"

Tried that when she's had friends here, but then dd goes into meltdown saying I'm stealing her friends !! ,( This will be brought up many times afterwards with dd blaming me )

Have you got a system for talking about her day? Is she having a meltdown because she’s totally overwhelmed with emotion and it all spills out at once?

E.g. could you ask her just to point at a scale or use a slider to show how she’s feeling rather than put it into words? Then point to anything good and anything bad?

Ooh, I could try that.
I've tried (when she's calm) to talk about her emotions and what's happened ( even the day after) but she refuses to talk about it

This sounds like a possibility after school However she can just be like that when she wakes up/ if she doesn't get her own way eg not winning at board games. She will throw the game pieces and shout/ stamp etc. ( We've talked about taking turns and it's ok not to win every time )

In some areas you can self refer to SALT and OT, in others you need a referral from GP or school.

The meltdowns after school are likely to be due to unmet needs at school. It’s called the coke bottle effect - masking all day and exploding at home time. If school life was easier for DD home life would improve.

Have a look at Zones of Regulation.

She replied saying because she's had a good morning, she'll probably have a bad day and be angry when I pick her up......

This may be quite insightful and articulate. DD may know that she can only mask for so long and once her reserve is used up she can’t mask any longer, so if she uses those reserves in the morning the rest of the day is likely to be difficult for her.

Ahhhh. Yes - of course. Thank you

I hear you ! Sounds exactly like my dd10 friendships are a nightmare. She has one school friend and they get on great for a while then have a spectacular falling out. This has been the case for last few days, wanting to see/call each other constantly and tonight they have had the mother of all rows and the girl has blocked her. Just don't know what the answer is.

Just also read the part about morning meltdowns, we have this too, she refuses to get ready for school so I'm chasing her round the house and having to literally pin her down and dress her it's hell!

So glad I'm not alone! Feel so shit when she's screaming the place down because her hair needs brushing or she 'hates me', I've ruined her life, she wishes she lived with her dad, everybody hates her ( and in and in and on it goes). Sometimes I've had to stop the car on the ( home ) school run as it's dangerous to keep driving due to her meltdowns ( she's in a booster seat now too).

The neighbors knocked on the door one evening ( I'd only moved in a few months). "Is everything ok? We heard your daughter through the wall and she's seemed upset ) I was wound up/ embarrassed and shocked, so I just said yes (??!!) and, after an embarrassingly ( seemed like forever ) long pause whilst they just stood staring at me, I slowly closed the door. I'm on tenterhooks now thinking they'll report me to SS!!!