I am very new to mumsnet so this might not be posted in the right place but I need to offload some steam. Sorry in advance as this is going to be loooong.
I have three children, two of which have special needs. My 6 year old is severely autistic, non-verval, incontinent and extremely aggressive. I get no support whatsoever, he has attacked everyone that has tried to help and no one can cope with his horrific meltdowns. People avoid our house like the plague. He has destroyed so much in our house that we don't even bother buying anything nice anymore. No matter what we try He is still able to strip his clothes off and urinate and poo all over the place if we don't notice in time. We've had to replace carpets and mattresses a number of times. He's even kicked a door off it's hinges. My partner works away from home all the time and is never around so I do 90% of the childcare, when he is home he can't handle the meltdowns so I can't even go far incase our son has one.
Life is becoming unbearable, my other children are suffering and they are so miserable as we can't go anywhere without my 6 year old having a meltdown and it resulting in us leaving. I've contacted my social worker and she says they have no support workers available at the moment and I've to advertise for one myself but we've only had one person interested and he bit her arm so badly she refused to come back. It's just awful. I love him with everything in me but I can not live like this anymore. Every little thing sets him into a meltdown which can last hours. We all walk on eggshells just waiting till the next one. I am black and blue, he's so strong already and his rage is like nothing I've ever seen before. He's ripped hair out my head, bitten me, scratched me and even given me a black eye. He's also very violent towards himself which is why I'd rather he hit me than himself. I try and keep him separated from his siblings If I'm not supervising so everyone is safe, it's beyond stressful.
He barely sleeps and is up most of the night kicking walls and doors, keeping my other two awake. He is prescribed melatonin but it does little for him. I've reached out so many times for help and it seems like there is nothing available for us. Everyday is just hell, I feel so terrible because I know it's not his fault but it's so hard to deal with being used as a punching bag everyday and for your house to be destroyed. My children are scared of him and we can't have their friends round in fear he will attack them. We have to keep our house locked up like a prison or he will escape, which has happened twice before.
I also have BPD, PTSD and depression from a very traumatic childhood and a mixture of other horrific things that have happened to me. Dealing with all of this is becoming so overwhelming I have become extremely suicidal and just feel hopeless. I am on antidepressants but nothing seems to help. I don't see how anyone even without mental health issues could cope with this amount of stress. I get absolutely no breaks apart from when he is in school but obviously now it's the holidays he's home full time for 8 weeks.
My partner would put him into care tomorrow given the chance and I was dead against even the suggestion for the longest time but now I've sadly been considering it. Please don't judge me as until you've gone through it you don't understand how hard it is. I do love my son, all I want is what is best for him and for us all. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to provide the care he needs as he gets bigger and stronger, he's almost able to overpower me already. I'm terrified he's going to really hurt himself or others one day. I am at my wits end. I really don't know where else to turn. Sorry for this long rant but I just needed to get this off my chest as today has been a particularly bad one and has left us all exhausted and beaten down.