Although I'm aware that these things often come together and are linked.
She's a lovely girl when these things don't overwhelm her. Her mum is doing a lot of research too but the rest of family are Danish are I figure there's probably more people who have experienced similar on English forums. Her dad also suffers with ADHD, dyslexia and a couple of other issues - he's supportive but "doesn't do the internet." (we sort out his technical stuff, he fixes our drains and heating. It's a good arrangement.)
We recently got the list of diagnosis' :
- ADHD (moderate to high)
- Dyscalculia (severe - time, big numbers, simply equations are fairly meaningless to her.)
- Dyslexia (actually not that bad, she can read at a functional level.)
- Reduced executive functions (meaning amongst other things that she has a poor ability to plan. etc. She'll start doing a task and then crumble because she hadn't foreseen certain steps, or get angry with us for not doing something because she can't perceive of the efforts and practicalities involved.)
- Reduced mental level (about 2 years below by their judgement.)
- Her IQ tested at 79, which is obviously low, albeit possibly affected to an extent by the other things, although the test apparently was aimed at ADHD sufferers.
She is massively loved by her teachers, neighbours and other adults. She presents so friendly and bubbly (and this I think is the real her.) She's the best stepdaughter I could have asked for, in the sense that even at her angriest she never weaponizes that "I'm not her real dad." (I've lived with them for six years.)
She has a short temper with us - generally around her inability to understand some of our reasons for not allowing things or having certain rules. She is absolutely vile to her little sister (full sister, my other stepdaughter, 7yrs) - as if all her difficulties get pushed on in that direction. She's lovely to her other sister, my daughter (3 yrs.)
She has a constant need for us to do things for her - and I mean more a psychological need than a physical one. Right down to if she has something she needs to put down, she'll cross a room and hand it us to hold rather than putting it on the table beside her. If she's upstairs and needs to move some stuff from her bed to her desk or something, she'll want us to help even if it takes longer to come down and ask than to use 30 seconds doing it. She can't cycle to school on her own (kids generally start doing that at 8/9 years in Denmark, and we live in a quiet suburban area.) Occasionally she can manage it. If she gets invited to a friend's house that lives near the school, she usually very much can. Sometimes when she's started to try to cycle to school herself, she'll reappear after a couple of minutes shaking and crying.
We work from home mostly because we often need to go and pick her up or attend to something related in the day (we are massively lucky that Denmark is so supportive of this type of thing, and we both work for a lovely company that is also supportive.) When she's home she sees our work as something to fight against. For instance if my wife is on the phone to a customer (a big part of her job) my SD will feel that she doesn't care enough if she doesn't stop the call to attend to a very minor thing. This insecurity and constant need for us to do more and more for her consumes a lot of our energy - and it's never enough, a bottomless bucket to try and fill.
Every day is such a fight for her just to exist in this world. Thankfully she's shown no tendency to depression or self-harm, but the psychologists have warned us (well, our kommune (council? I guess...) really) that if not enough help is provided soon it's a likely outcome.
I'm not sure what I'm asking... I suppose the old "has anyone experienced similar with a happy outcome?" We want a future for her. She is excellent with animals and compassionate and empathic with people, but she can't count, can't plan... and we don't know how much her executive functions can improve or how much she can helped with the dyscalculia.
She will probably start on medication at some point in the next year but they want to wait until the school have sorted out sufficient support.
The next bit is about me and not important but since I've typed the rest out I need to vent.
Her mum was down with stress earlier in the year. this has obviously been really hard and there's been something like two meetings with the hospital/school/social services etc. a week for the months leading up the summer holidays. I've been the rock she can collapse on when the kids are asleep, and just tried to be there dependable.
I'm also trying to help my SD of course. I tend to spend 20-30 mins an evening just letting her talk all her thoughts out. Dunno why she chooses me for this but it seems to help her sleep. But it's exhausting.
Our 3 year old is... bright. Very, very high energy, bossy, confident and very not down with the household chain of command. Her kindergarten have said she'll be amazing but we need to work hard not to let her headstrong elements become problematic. So yeah... she's exhausting too.
And SD7 is just so lovely, but I vowed when we decided to have a kid together that I would fight every day not to let her get "middle-childed" And she's low maintenance that it's a risk. So I'm trying to involve her in everything, and make time for her too, and ensure that she's not the one that gets the quick, hurried attention because she doesn't demand it as much.
I'm really tired, and in being a rock for them I haven't really let anything out myself. But I do feel like I'm breaking slightly. My parents are 2000km away and I'm not going to worry them by showing cracks when we speak. They know the basic situation enough to worry as is it. If I didn't have such a lovely mother-in-law I think I would have cracked by now, but obviously her energy is mostly spent where it should be - on supporting her daughter.
Sorry for the last bit of self-pitying, I just needed to type it out... somewhere.