Avoiding days out with friends & their children

[MumsyMum31]

Hi, just feeling pretty down atm. My DD is 2 and is awaiting assessment for ASD, SPD etc. paediatrician treating her as Autistic and says assessment is just a formality in her case. My DD is a gorgeous, lovable little girl, but she cannot express herself and has been having more & more meltdowns. I cannot let her out of her buggy in public as she has absolutely no sense of danger and just runs off and would take the hands of strangers. She doesn’t respond to her name or to prompts to come back etc. i have a lovely group of friends and we all have kids. We have always organised days out in the summer so we can meet up and the kids to have fun. This year however, I am avoiding all the meet ups as I just find it too difficult with my DD. It is such hard work trying to keep her safe and keep up with her in public places ie parks, farm visits etc., her differences are becoming more obvious now as she is losing her baby looks and I find that hard. I feel bad for my older child as she is missing out but I also just know that some of my friends just don’t get it. It just seems so much easier to avoid. Will this feeling get better??

I can’t help with whether this will get better or not as my DC don’t present the same, but have you considered reins?

Hi, yes I have reins but unfortunately she runs and falls as she’s trying to get away from them. If she doesn’t get to run where she wants she lies on the ground and has a meltdown so reins don’t work for us at all 😞

Hi @MumsyMum31 I am in a similar situation with my 4 year old DD who has ASD.
I have found that on one hand it gets harder due to her being older and bigger so if she has a meltdown on a day out I can’t just put her in the pram or pick her up, but it’s easier because I’ve learnt now what triggers her meltdowns or makes the environment difficult and we tend to avoid those types of day out.

I find farms etc so difficult that we’ve just stopped doing them for the time being. We try and only do activities with friends now that I know will be less structured and more of a free flow play, such as enclosed parks or just going over to play at friends houses, it’s so much less stressful for us all as it means my DD can run free and play and I’m not having to stop her escaping or dealing with meltdowns because of queues etc. it’s the same with birthday parties, if it’s organised fun such as party games etc she ends up frustrated but if it’s just a bouncy castle in the garden she loves it.

I felt guilty for a while about the things we had to turn down and what she was missing out on but actually if she is coming back from days out upset anyway then it’s just not worth it, so maybe try and think of activities she likes and have less structure for a while? x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply @Amelia891. I totally agree with you about types of meets. My fitness don’t understand so they pick somewhere where most kids will love so I just have to avoid. A beach day was organised this week but my Dd eats sand so I didn’t go either. I think it’s just I’m feeling left out but I’ll t really is just a lack of understanding. 😕

*friends

Hi @MumsyMum31 I understand your feeling of being out on a limb from your friends. It's tough when they don't understand because their own children's needs are so different.

Are there perhaps one or two friends you'd like to stay in touch with in particular? If so, could you invite them over for a play date at your house, so you can arrange everything as best suits your DD?

Sometimes the juice isn't worth the squeeze, and you do need to say no to certain events you know don't work for your DD.

I'd suggest trying to find sen groups in your area, the support can be really helpful.

@MumsyMum31 you’ve described my daughter! I second meeting up with other SEN mums as they just ‘get it’. Otherwise definitely something less structured where she doesn’t have the opportunity to run away
does she go nursery do you can take out your older child?

First of all, I have to say, I think you need new friends. Autism is a very common thing, you can read up and find lots of information about how autism affects children. The fact they don’t take her needs into consideration is a little sad for me. I have 2 kids. Both autistic. My youngest sounds like yours. She has no idea about danger. Maybe you could plan the next day out. Maybe at a trampoline or soft play place - your daughter can be save in an enclosed environment and still be active and have fun. I get your feelings completely, I have felt the same way. It can be incredibly lonely and alienating when people do not understand you or your child.

@MumsyMum31 hi 👋, know thread is few years old , just wondering how your dd is doing now? Is she still having meltdowns? X