I know it's called the terrible twos for a reason but this is keeping me awake at night with stress. Currently live in a detached house but moving to a flat with my very screamy, waily toddler whose first recourse often seems to be to throw his head back and scream-cry this loud, irritating, oscillating wailing sound when he wants to register his discontent. It's gotten worse as he's got older and we're on a waiting list for a full assessment but he scored for autism on the last two assessments we went to.
I don't know how it got to this but I am terrified that we're going to piss off all our neighbours when we move because nothing stops DS1 once he gets a scream going.
I've tried walking away, worked great for about 4 months. Tried cuddles, never really worked but it makes me feel less of a bitch than ignoring him. We have very clear boundaries but still the wailing when what he wants doesn't match with what he gets. If nothing bad is happening but he isn't getting enough attention, he will throw himself off a piece of furniture like the sofa, hurt himself, then start with the godawful caterwauling. He usually does this while I'm breastfeeding his baby sister, and the screaming scares her away from her milk.
I am starting to become a shouty mum and I never wanted to be, but my voice is drowned out by the noise. All the online stuff says to manage behaviour by explaining it all to them about big feelings etc. Which is probably great for children who understand words. Mine goes totally nonverbal whenever he's upset and he doesn't have much language to start with. I try the words but I might as well be talking in Esperanto for all he understands.
I know I sound really heartless, I have PTSD, ADHD and sensory processing disorder, and wailing/screaming is a big trigger and I try not to show him how I feel but I want to run away when he does it.
How can I get him to a place where he expresses himself better, so we don't get evicted from our new place or get well-intentioned neighbours ringing social services thinking I'm doing awful things to my child?
Do I just need to keep with clear firm boundaries until he understands that he still can't have four cookies at a time or hit mummy in the face with a toy car (for very common examples) or is there something else I should be doing?
PS this is a name change but I've been around a while, for example my toddler has never screamed at the sistine.