How to help DS12, with ASD and ADHD, make friends and be happy

[Puffykins]

DS, who is 12, is being bullied at secondary school. He's been diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD (before he left primary), and he isn't brilliant at either reading a room, or having a two way conversation. I can tell that he is desperate to be accepted - but he doesn't do anything to 'blend in' in any way; yesterday, in fact, he took his clarinet to school and stood and played in the the middle of the playground during break. At the end of the day, even his few friends refused to get the same bus home as him (not sure if these two things are related.)

I have suggested that he try to even just pretend to fit in (he loves acting and drama, I tried to sell it as a drama exercise) but he thinks that this would be 'letting them win.' Also, he feels it would be betraying himself, 'making my whole life a lie' (he is prone to the odd overly dramatic statement.) He told everyone that he is gay/ bisexual on pretty much the first day, and apparently also gets a lot of homophobic abuse.

Meanwhile his behaviour at home has become increasingly challenging - he is doing things that he knows is wrong/ unacceptable, for instance yesterday evening we were in a garden centre and he started climbing up the bags of fertiliser - I sort of can't believe that I'm still having to tell him not to do things like that - we've had a don't touch policy in shops all his life. He's also been swearing (not at me, but in conversation with me) and because often he misjudges tone it can sound really aggressive. And he's like an attention vortex - he wants us all to know how unhappy he is, all of the time.

I've made arrangements for him to see the see the school counsellor - he didn't go/ doesn't go. I've tried to make things fun at home - we go to the beach and swim after school most days, etc. He is very bright, and can be super caring. He had a group of 3 or 4 really good friends at primary, and they still see each other and really love each other, but they're all at different schools now, although we had one to stay the weekend before the last and another is coming this weekend.

DS also had leukaemia as a child - diagnosed in year 2, was in and out of hospital until the end of year 5, still has regular check ups etc. - and I just so desperately want him to have a good time and be happy and sort of rejoice at his life that he has that, in a parallel universe, he might not have had - but . . . (and he has had loads of therapy about that.)

Does anybody have any ideas as to how I might perhaps be able to help him? Or anything that I could do/ set up that would help him? And thank you!

Different details but I just wanted to say that we are having very similar issues in our house and I am finding it very difficult and upsetting to know what to do. This is what I am trying but it's not a quick fix:

1. Based on his interests I have found some clubs out of school where he can meet those with similar interests. That is working well but at the moment they are only monthly. I'm hoping to find something more regular.


2. I've signed him up for ELon Musk's online school. It is £££ for a once a week team problem solving picture based problem. The videos look great and DS is super keen. We had to wait a few months but have now got a start date next month. I am hoping that it will help his team/group work skills in an area of strength.


3. School have put a circle of friends in place for him where they got 5 children who are sensible/sympathetic/friendly and explained why some of his behaviour has been "unexpected" and that he would really appreciate their help and guidance. They talked about the things that are difficult and how to help. It is beginning to ripple out to the rest of the class as the understanding grows. The SENDCO says that if it goes well the wider year group will become more accepting too. It's worked well for him in the past.


4. I bought him a workbook on friendships and how to be a good friend but so far no interest in doing the work required to improve his social situation!

I can see your son's point in not wanting to mask but there are many shades of grey in between being completely yourself and completely losing yourself. The black and white thinking is very autistic and practice is needed to see other possibilities. Maybe try talking about it in those terms - others will put in work to be a good friend and that is what they will expect from him. good luck

PS I am also going to ask school about setting up a lunchtime club based on one of his interests too. He doesn't seem to feel up to joining one of the existing clubs (many of which are competitive or performance related - sport, chess, debate, drama etc) and we need something altogether more geeky!

Thank you so much @KnottyAuty - I'll look up the Elon Musk school, it sounds super interesting. DS does do other clubs - he's at youth theatre now, for instance, but I don't think he's made any really good friends doing it (I know he hasn't.) He claims that he doesn't share any interests with 'normal' people, like football.

God it's so hard when your children are unhappy. I hope that your plans all go well. And thank you again.

His school, incidentally, is not being helpful. I am moving him to a different one but it doesn't start until year 9 - DS seems to think that changing schools is going to radically fix everything but I'm really worried that unless he makes an effort to learn how to make friends - if that is what he wants - actually the same issues will happen again. (The school I am moving him to is smaller with better pastoral care. And private. And it is going to be a massive stretch financially but at his current school there are kids who spit at him.)

Are the school dealing with the homophobic bullying?

DS’s behaviour at home is likely to be a result of unmet needs at school. It is known as the coke bottle effect. Have you considered applying for an EHCNA? One benefit is it can fund independent schools if necessary.

Has DS been assessed by OT and SALT? They can help with the sort of difficulties you describe.

Trying to get DS to mask so he fits in is a bad idea. Long term masking can be harmful to mental health.

The school's approach to homophobic bullying is to have continuous assemblies preaching kindness. I've had a meeting with the head of year (actually, several meetings) - his response that my DS is a lovely boy, but the kids who are bullying him come from chaotic backgrounds, they don't care about being punished, and their parents offer zero support to the school (or their children. It's actually very sad.)

He has not been assessed by OT or the other thing you mention - I will look them up - his diagnosis came via CAHMS. The school also don't feel that DS warrants extra support as, despite his diagnoses, his behaviour is streets ahead of other kids (who have not been formally diagnosed.) And because DS is consistently performing beyond the expected level, and is not rude and does not get into trouble, they don't really do anything. They moved the worst offender (in terms of bullying him) out of his class, but that is all.

Moving to a smaller school sounds like a good idea but you’re right to assume that some problems will follow if you don’t get the support right and help him feel safer.

have a look at Asperger Experts online. They have videos explaining the sensory funnel and defence mode. In short if he doesn’t feel safe his social skills and learning skills get dialled down as his body is in “fight or flight”. This shows up as bad/unexpected behaviour like you’ve described. If you can shower him with love and acceptance. Get him a sensory den to retreat to for 30-60mins after school to decompress. Read up about “spoon theory” and talk to DS about it so you have a shared language to gauge how he’s doing. Have a look at the DME Trust recently set up to help families with able children who also have SEN.

If you message me I can give you a template for the EHC request specifically for academically able autists in mainstream.

I am teaching my ds to read body language and facial expressions and quite a bit about human social norms and psychology. Not so that he can successfully mask but so he can read the room and decipher what is going on and blend in if and when he wants to.

Friendship wise we are reading the "7 unwritten rules of friendship" to give him the nt perspective on friendship. He has both nt and nd friends but is keen to expand his friendship group, just needs confidence to do it.

I don't agree that learning to negotiate a foreign culture (which is what he says the nt world feels like) is betraying himself - any more than learning how to conduct yourself in Japanese society would be for a westerner. At home, of course, your own culture rules but its useful to understand how to manage when you are out and about.

Have you complained about the bullying not being dealt with? I would complain and tell them if they don’t deal with it you will go to the police.

The school should be providing more support. Behaviour and academic progress is only part of the picture. Social and emotional development is just as important. Think about applying for an EHCNA. SALT and OT assessments can be part of an EHCNA and SALT and OT provision included in EHCPs.

If you haven't already seen it, the 'Autism is a Superpower' workbook by Poppy Thorne is a good resource. It's aimed I think mainly at high functioning girls but has some good tools to try and some helpful insights into the profile of teenagers with ASD and ADHD.

www.coram.org.uk/resource/autism-superpower#:~:text=Autism%20is%20a%20Superpower%20by,be%20different%20from%20their%20peers.

I just wanted to say thank you so much to all of you for all of this. Things came to a head and I have withdrawn him from school - basically he was beaten up by a group of children who had first amassed an audience, ie it was premeditated. He's already much much happier and more him again. I'm incredibly disappointed in the school (also, those kids were year seven. It's actually really sad that they seem to think that's acceptable behaviour.) Anyway I'm going to look into everything mentioned.

If you haven’t already don’t deregister, even if DS doesn’t attend. Parents often find it easier to get support if the child is on a school’s roll even if they aren’t attending. Crudely, you are someone’s problem and it is harder for others to sweep unmet needs under the carpet.

By EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby reliving them of their duties. Whereas, if DS remains on the school’s roll if he cannot attend school full time due to his MH and SEN the LA must provide a suitable, full time education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996.

Good to know. Thank you. I have not yet unregistered him....