Feel like I'm being constantly judged

[Minsnug]

I just feel my parenting is being constantly judged. Ds has a lot of behavioural issues and I'm really trying my best. His school can not even manage him. My friend/social group is nearly non existent now because nobody wants ds near them or their children. I fully understand this but it's a very bitter pill to swallow. And off course I feel fully responsible. He's my child and everybody is fed up of his behaviour. I'm his mum and I'm totally fed up too but it's not like I can turn my back or walk away. Because everyone else that tried to manage him and failed, they feel it must be my fault.
Sorry just a lonely Sunday night rant before I have to get up and do it all over again. 😒

My DS doesn't exactly have bad behaviour as such however he has alot of other struggles that can trigger his behaviour in other ways. Im so glad he isnt agressive but i am worried that that will come, as ive noticed his anger is now really bad at home. He is very dominant and selfish with his friends which actually breaks my heart as he is the most loving and caring little boy. He is just very rigid in his actions and he has to follow things a certain way or he can't cope. I know children at school have told him he is bossy which he really does not like. But he is, extremely. And i worry if others blame me for it. I worry how he must come across to his friends, their families and others. 'Luckily' it hasn't become a problem yet but I'm constantly having to justify why he has reacted a certain way. His meltdowns are extreme, like people are shocked. So am I to be honest. He can be very sharp but thats usually to me and when his on one his attitude is bad. I do worry his friends will pull away from him as do children really understand special needs? I've noticed he has taken a step back from his friends as he finds when all so annoying. It upsets me how he comes across at times as if i was another parent I'd probably tell my children to stay away if he can't be nice let others have a say.

I find I'm being judged mostly by my parents. They finally accept something is wrong however they still don't get it. Apparently he walks all over me, he has no discipline, he needs to start following rules and doing as his told. I find their constant comments hard as he has those things, rules and discipline, I cant help the fact he gets scared when I'm out of sight, is scared to leave the house, doesn't have a set bedtime because he won't stop getting out until I go to bed with him. I dont believe in screaming at my child. That will be triggering for him and it would not work. We talk things through, repeatedly with me keeping calm but being firm. But I can understand why my parents think like they do as he still continues they way he is no matter how many times I try to correct him.

Sorry if not exactly the same but I want you to know you arent alone. Its hard. I dont have a clue alot of the time and as horrible as I feel admitting it, I too find my son difficult. Maybe for different reasons but he can be hard work. It's draining. E are in a new routine at the moment due to a job change. Its not goinf easy at all. These last few weeks have been tough.

It's just me and him at home and understanding he is different to his peers I guess I am more protective over him but I also see it from an outside point of view.

Chin up there are better days

I feel the same. My dc has just been excluded from an activity and so im mixed between angry at dc and the leader. Who even said they wouldnt deal with sen dc!!
Dc actually wasnt being too bad just not joining in.
And worst of all dc obviously needs more social interaction and now they have even less.
We also have issues with judgement from other parents.

I know this thread is from ages ago but I just needed to comment. I am having similar difficulties with my youngest ds. He can be incredibly difficult . He has horiffic temper tantrums when something small doesn't go his way - the other day he screamed his head off because he wanted me to drive down a different road, he finds sharing almost impossible, he will often laugh or scream piercingly if someone tries to tell him off and worst of all he sometimes hurts other children - often completely unprovoked.
What is strange is that he can also have periods in a day or even whole days when he is absolutely fine. He just started Reception and the first five weeks were fine and then he has started having odd days when his behaviour is off the scale difficult- hurting children , screaming at the top of his voice in class and showing no respect to any adults when they speak to him ( including the head teacher). There is no pattern to the days he is difficult and it just seems to come from nowhere ( school have said this too) A lot ,of the time he is ok but the school are very concerned about how extreme he can get. So far no parents in the class seemed to have picked up on how difficult he is but I have received a huge amount of judgement from family and friends. My MIL has been particularly harsh saying we are much to soft and his behaviour is terrible and we have left it too late.
She shouted at him today saying she would take all his toys and Father Christmas wouldn't come. My brother in law and sister in law also don't want their daughter to be around him very much- which I get but it's so hard.
We are trying so hard he has routines , we have charts, I try to talk to him about his feelings and try to stand strong on the boundaries we put in place( which is exhausting), he does have consequences but I try to make sure they are things we can deliver on and we also try to make sure we acknowledge and celebrate what he does well. I do find it hard to stay calm with him at times ( and then I worry I am making things worse). Feeling judged really gets to me. I am getting increasingly anxious about the battles I will face with him. I have worked with children for 18 years and I am just so sad about how difficult I am finding it all. I think the judging really gets to me - I know I have to just try to rise above it but it makes me doubt how I parent so much.

I can completely understand where you are coming from, my son started reception in September and all seemed good but the school has flagged up some issues with his behaviour and that he needs some additional support, SEN has got involved which has been a blessing but what makes it worse is that I have been confronted in the playground at pick up twice by two different dads bashing me about my sons behaviour in the classroom towards their children, ie fighting over toys and lashing out and it breaks my heart. Feel so alone as a parent and humiliated. I know it's not my sons fault just can't help feeling like I'm failing.

I get this, my DD is usually really sweet ( although a bit bossy as she doesn't understand social cues) but has the most explosive meltdowns. School are slowly getting better at spotting the triggers ( and she's getting better at telling them) but it took two suspensions to get there and I live in fear of them calling to pick her up again. Likewise I've also noticed the other parents avoiding me at pickup, and there was one party that every girl but her was invited to.

Thanks for posting. I am sorry to hear you both had similar issues but it is useful to hear from people who are also facing challenges like me. Jules 912 how awful for your daughter to not to have been invited to the party - I really do find it so hard to understand how adults could exclude a child like that.
Prices 87 I would have been very upset too, if I was confronted in the playground like that. It is completely the wrong way to go about things they need to speak to teachers about concerns. You definitely aren't failing your son. I understand that it is obviously unacceptable for children to hurt others.
However, people are very quick to blame parents for behaviour issues (and on occasion this is fair) but very often they don't realise that the majority of these children need a level of support for genuine behaviour or social/ emotional difficulties and that parents are actually having to work even harder than most others to get through the day.
We would never start blaming parents and children for learning needs such as difficulties with reading and writing but we feel they deserve support . I think that there should be work done to help people having the same empathy for children with behavioural challenges rather than quickly dishing out blame.

Hi all 👋

My son is autistic and is now 7. We started him in a mainstream reception class as he attended the nursery in the same school (he is the youngest of our 3 boys so they all attended the same school). The classroom had 2 reception classes that basically was like one big room that they could go between the 2 sides of as there were partition walls. My son found it very overwhelming and would lash out, run off up the corridor and in to other classrooms frequently. By the time we came towards the end of reception, his ASD support worker from the LEA advised we look at specialist provisions as she and we knew he wouldn’t cope on KS1 environment. We applied for a place at an ASD provision within a mainstream school about 35 mins drive from where we live. I can honestly say, it was the best thing we ever did! He has been there for over a year now and the change in him was almost instant. Much smaller class (9 children max), 1 SN teacher and 4 TA’s, regular visits from speech therapist in class. We have very few meltdowns now and although academically he hasn’t made a huge amount of progress, the change in his emotions, speech and general communication have been amazing. He’s much happier and less triggered and they understand him. He was pretty much non verbal when he started and now we can have short conversations with him of 1-2 sentences. He is far more engaged. Of course some of this could be because of his age and change in him there but we honestly believe the main contributing factor is the quieter environment, and we wish we’d have had him in this provision from reception. The other parents understand, as like all of us, they are in the same position.

What I’m trying to say in a long winded way is, I would lay money on it that the environment is overwhelming them and they are being constantly triggered by noise etc.

The ASD provision class is very plain, they only use a few colours I.e. cream and brown furniture and red and green chairs/drawers. They don’t have paintings and displays. They don’t have things hanging from the ceiling. Everything is very plain and not ‘busy’ like a standard classroom. The whole curriculum is also geared around the individual child. There is no ‘one for all’ policy.

As for relatives telling the children they are naughty etc 🤦🏻‍♀️ they can not help it and that is just so judgemental and ridiculous. It will do nothing for your children and only upsets you. They need to go and educate themselves.

Big hugs to all

Thank you for posting such a supportive message. Its so amazing to hear that a change in environment can make such a big difference.