Anyone else have to deal with 'anti' grandparents/family members attitudes :-(

[Needanewadventure2021]

Honestly I'm getting sick of it!

Not only do I have to deal with my DS struggles becoming more difficult, and his resistance to doing things and leaving the house getting worse, I also have to deal with the 'you need to discipline him, you need to set rules, you let him walk all over you' comments too.

I accept my child isn't following the same path as his peers and other children his age. He can be very difficult but I am pretty certain it is not down to him just being naughty. To be completely honest his behaviour overall isn't bad at all. Well mannered, good behaviour at school, caring to others. I wouldn't call him naughty. But his meltdowns, resistance and anxiety towards things I suppose can make him look naughty to others. But I personally think you can tell the difference when a child is just being naughty, or kicking off for other reasons.

I find the comments of others hard. Especially my parents. Though they finally accept something is going on they still see things as him being naughty, and that I haven't put rules and discipline in place. I cant help but feel this is an attack on my parenting. I do discipline my child. But I don't believe shouting at him will get me anywhere. If anything it will trigger him more.

For example my DS for the last few months has become extremely extremely clingy to me. If I leave the room he will panic and find me crying asking why I've left him. He hasn't slept alone for years. I simply cannot get him in his own room. My god I try, but we are back and forth all night its just easier to have him in with me, but then he has to sleep across me to know I'm there, so i am barely sleeping myself. Apparently I'm too soft and I need to make him stay in his room, and make him do as his told so I have to myself.
What they don't realise is if I did 'make' him do anything, then I wouldn't have any time to myself. I wouldn't have any sleep or time to relax because I would constantly be putting him back to bed or helping him in one way or another.

I do see their point. I do need time to myself. But the fact I dont isn't down to me not having rules or disciplining him. I do my best.

Rant over

Totally get this. Also the amount of people who feel they are entitled to hug my dc2 and then laugh when he screams.

@elliejjtiny that's horrible. I'd be furious if anyone laughed at my child's 'different' ways.

Having a child with additional needs it totally opens your eyes to how ignorant others are. I genuinely can't stand the 'they know exactly what they are doing' comments. I'm still learning my son's needs. I can't understand why he feels things the way he does most of the time, but that doesn't matter, I still fully support him in every way I can. I actually become more protective over how others view him. But the comments and opinions are hard. Don't we have enough to deal with without the negativity from others.

This stands out to me good behaviour at school

if your son can behave in certain situations, then why can't he in others?

I've been there with bad sleepers too and I get it, but to be honest, the co-sleeping won't do him any good long-term. How old is he?

Sometimes it can be hard to enforce boundaries and I understand that it takes a lot of strength from the parent. You may have to muster up all your strength and not take the easier way out...

*if I did 'make' him do anything, then I wouldn't have any time to myself. I wouldn't have any sleep or time to relax because I would constantly be putting him back to bed or helping him in one way or another."

It may be worthwhile checking where the special need is and where behaviour is just down to weak boundaries?

if your son can behave in certain situations, then why can't he in others?

Because some children can mask some of their difficulties in a school environment.
Unfortunately in the end that will catch up with them and can lead to significant mental health problems.

**

This stands out to me good behaviour at school

if your son can behave in certain situations, then why can't he in others?

@Mrseven This is a very ignorant view. Many DC mask at school and explode at home - the coke bottle effect. It does not mean the problem lies at home, instead it is often a sign of unmet needs at school.

@Mrseven I find your views really ignorant. School have referred him to OT and he is now in therapy due to their own observations. He is also under CAMHS so things have been identified that need investigating.

@AReallyUsefulEngine this is my child. He erupts at home with all sorts of emotions. Even my parents have seen a huge change in him. He has become very subdued unable to control his emotions when he pops. When I returned from work yesterday he told me about an incident at school that made he feel reallt angry. His anger was shown when he was telling me. I asked what he did at school. He said he was left to cry. Basically he was blamed for someone elses mistake, which I believe as he is very factual/black and white about events. Being blamed when it wasn't him is a huge trigger. I've seen the reaction many times when kids try to blame him for something!

The most he does at school is cry. He is then told if he continues to cry he will lose his playtime. The senco has already confirmed he is seeking out new ways to do things that aren't as known to them but are still traits. If my son was to be in trouble at school it would be like the end of the world to him. So he masks still he gets home. Most days are very unpleasant

Coke bottle effect? Point taken, It makes sense. Is this also true for ADHD?

OP does DS have an EHCP?

@Mrseven Yes, the coke bottle effect, there’s lots of articles online about it if you wish to read more. A child holds it in all day (i.e. masks) and the pressure builds then because of the toll that takes the child explodes (meltdowns) when that pressure is released at the end of the day. Just like a coke bottle that is shaken and explodes everywhere when the top is removed.

Yes, it can apply to DC with ADHD.

@AReallyUsefulEngine no not yet. Currently pursuing an ADHD/ASD diagnosis which I've been told by a colleague where I work (highly qualified in SEN) is where my DS possibly fits with everything he displays. He is likely to have other stuff going on but ADHD/ASD is a good start. With regards to the care plan I understand these are hard to get but currently trying to get one in place too

You don’t have to wait for a diagnosis to apply for an EHCNA - the bar isn’t as high as some LAs and schools would have you believe. If you haven’t already applied you can apply yourself, IPSEA have a model letter you can use.