Struggling with my autistic son

[SeeBiscuit]

Please, please be kind.

First I’ll start off by saying I love the bones of him. He is funny, bright and creative.

But I’m really struggling with how utterly selfish he is and with his complete lack of empathy. DS is 12 and was diagnosed with autism aged 6. Today, his 5 year old brother was car sick and he complained about having to be in the car with him. He was in the front and younger DS was in the back. I empathised but asked him not to be rude/unkind to younger DS as it wasn’t his fault and pretty horrible for him to have to go through. DS1 seemed completely baffled that he should feel sorry for his brother in any way and continued to be unkind to him about it.

This is just one example but it’s constant. Any time he has to do something for someone else that he doesn’t want to the complaining is endless. He has no empathy for his siblings at all and it’s so upsetting, he is constantly rude to them any time they do anything he doesn’t like. They aren’t doing anything wrong, just he doesn’t like it. He tells me all the time he wished they’d never been born, if he didn’t see them again he’d be glad etc etc.

I try so hard to be patient with him and explain why it’s important to be considerate of others but he really doesn’t get it. I feel like I’ve failed him and I’m also absolutely exhausted by the constant negativity. I love him so much and I just want him to have the best life. Has anyone else experienced this. What can I do to help him with this?

Autism doesn’t cause a lack of empathy. It can make it harder to read how neurotypical people are feeling - just as NT people can be pretty rubbish at understanding how autistic people feel.

Tbh it sounds more like standardly annoying nearly teen behaviour.

My 7 year old is a bit like this when his little sister is sick in the car but he does listen a bit when I say it's not nice and he will quieten down slightly. He can't help it because the smell is constant and he is very sensitive to smells.

Next time we travel somewhere long distance where car sickness is a risk I'm going to trial taking along something strong smelling that he likes so he can hold it near his nose and see if it helps.

My DS sounds very similar and is waiting for his ASC assessment. A lack of empathy is a known trait and common characteristic for people with ASC. There are many scholarly articles so I disagree with the pp that claims there’s no relation.
Are you getting any help or support from anyone OP?

This article may be useful. I found it really interesting.
www.verywellhealth.com/do-people-with-autism-lack-empathy-259887

It was considered a trait in articles 20 years ago maybe. Not now…… and is incredibly insulting to lots of autistic people )ie who work in caring professions) am to suggest it is

My Asd Ds has no filter, if he thinks something he says it. Got us into no heaps of bother at times.
He has commented on a lady’s weight when she was sat next to us at the theatre as she took up half of his seat as well. This is one of the most embarrassing examples, he has got slightly better but he thinks it’s a positive trait and says I’ve always told him to tell the truth, not exactly what I meant though….

@Archepsych

It was considered a trait in articles 20 years ago maybe. Not now…… and is incredibly insulting to lots of autistic people )ie who work in caring professions) am to suggest it is

Maybe CAMHS need to be aware of this then?! DS’ CAMHS practitioner and psychiatrist have very recently discussed his case with me and his lack of empathy or perceived lack of empathy have been noted as evidence for a diagnosis. So you are disagreeing with them?! DS’ psychiatrist works for PHE as well as CAMHS so I don’t believe the whole profession shares your view. I only comment as a parent who has been and is being guided by people in the caring profession.

It’s certainly not a case of it being a universal trait. As with all characteristics of ASC, not all of them are shared. However, you can’t minimise other people’s experiences and struggles by calling it insulting and outdated because you believe otherwise.

I work in camhs and am part of a diagnostic team. I’m afraid lack of empathy just isn’t party of the diagnostic criteria.

It is confusing and frustrating to hear conflicted information. I’m just being open and honest about what we are going through and hoping to help the OP. Maybe you could give the OP some help and advice?
I am certainly not an expert just another desperate mum who shares this experience and just get through one day at a time. We are lucky to have so much support. DS has such an excellent team of support at CAMHS. He’s on lilac so hopefully we won’t have to wait too long before his assessment but we have regular appointments as he’s on medication.
DS certainly has a (at least perceived) lack of empathy. But we have also discussed the recent Double Empathy theory as he fits this model due to him having some EI. It’s hard enough to get through parenting struggles like this without being made to feel guilty and not believed. We need help and support.

As someone who is both autistic and has an autistic child and works with autistic children, in fully aware of the challenges.
Lots of children would be grossed out by their sibling being sick. Autistic sensory differences potentially make this much more aversive - it may be that this hasn’t been fully picked up on. Social stories may help to explain how people aren’t deliberately sick / sometimes the focus needs to be on clearing up sibling despite their difficulties / sometimes this will be disruptive (intolerance of uncertainty can be a massive issue so providing some parameters can be useful, equally he may be worried that he’s going to be sick - my NT children have reacted
Similarly with these worries).
Personality disorders are about a lack of empathy not autism

Thanks for your insight @Archepsych
Sorry to hear you have it tough sometimes too. I’m just so overwhelmed by everything at the moment and a little exhausted. I’ll ask for clarification at his next appointment.

Hi @Archepsych just to let you know that I checked with DS’ CAMHS practitioner and psychiatrist and they confirmed to me that DS’ lack of empathy/perceived lack of empathy will definitely be taken into account and be “a mark” towards diagnosis in the social section of his assessment. Maybe assessments are different in different parts of the country 🤷🏻‍♀️. Not that this seems to matter, as the OP has never come back to the thread! I just thought you may be interested to know what they said. Take care.