Advice needed - where to start

[EilonwyWithRedGoldHair]

I have an 8 year old DS who is struggling with his relationships with his peers in school, and he's been having meltdowns at home, including hitting, kicking, and pinching me, and recently he's started trying to hurt himself as he says doesn't want to hurt me. He insists that he can't control these outbursts.

He is obsessive in his interests, is often sensitive to noise (it's one of his complaints about school and a reason he's rarely agreed to go to birthdays parties pre-Covid), likes his shoes really too tight, is a picky eater.

There's a cycle of behaviours such as chewing clothes, picking wallpaper, licking his lower lip until it's scabby that are clear signs of anxiety.

He doesn't seem to understand about boundaries and doesn't know when to stop with things like tickling and rougher play, or repeating things he's heard from other children in school, but he can be very inflexible about rules.

He takes things very literally and is often upset if we say things that are 'too silly' in his words - for example if he can't sit still and I asked if he had ants in his pants I would get shouted at as if it were a completely insane thing to ask - and I suspect to him it is.

I've had three random people on the street in the past ask me if he is autistic or on the spectrum, my DSis, who knows about this through her work has told me she is almost certain that he is - very high functioning, but ASD - and that we should really push for assessment. I've contacted his school, we are arranging a meeting as they have some concerns as well.

Can anyone offer any advice or resources on managing his meltdowns?

The most obvious trigger is hunger, so we're making sure he has a snack as soon as he's home from school and we are considering moving him to packed lunches as he only ever seems to have a ham or cheese sub for lunch.

But is there anything we can try when he's started kicking off? It seems once he's started we just have to ride it out until he calms down, however long that takes. But any suggestions that might help would be appreciated.

Your local early help team may be able to help with this, behavioural strategies etc. Also, speak with your SENCO at the school because the key thing will be consistency with the strategies used by you both. For example the five point scale, visual time tables, now and next.etc.

Regards,

Newdad2022

Are the school currently providing any support?

Has DS been referred for an assessment? If not, and the school can’t or won’t, you should ask the GP to refer.

OT and SALT assessments would help as well, in some areas you can self refer.

You could look at Dr Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child and his website livesinthebalance.org. This website may be helpful, and this website.

If you feel DS needs more support than the school can or are willing to provide you can apply for an EHCNA, IPSEA have a model letter you can use on their website. If in the meantime the school need more funding to provide additional support they can apply for high needs top up funding.

We've only just approached the school, we've asked for a meeting to discuss everything with them and my DSis has told me we should stand firm and insist on a referral.

The school runs wellbeing sessions and DS has started to attend those.

At every parents evening I've asked about how he's doing socially - never been worried about his school work in the past - and they've always said he's doing fine, has lots of friends. But DS doesn't see it like that, it's clearly getting harder for him to fit in as he gets older, and this is my concern as I don't think he understands why doing what everyone else is doing but pushing it too far is an issue - or what pushing it too far is, or that the other children being annoyed with him doesn't mean they hate him.

All I want is for him to be happy. He's smart and funny and caring and lovely. But then he can have three hour meltdowns, or make these horrible high pitched shrieks, or just refuse to stop doing really annoying things, like tickling for example, despite the fact I've put so much effort since he was a toddler into trying to teach him don't do things to people if they say no.

Ask the school if they offer anything like social skills interventions, nurture group (although this may be what the wellbeing group is), ELSA, Lego therapy etc. If they do ask if DS can join.

If the school won’t refer ask the GP to, or in some areas you can self refer.

I was going to say what the school said the Wellbeing group is for but I realised I can't remember. DS has been waking two to three times a night over the last week and a half and I am beyond tired now, even with DH sorting out getting DS to school so I can sleep for an extra hour or so.

I think the Wellbeing group is about helping him regulate his emotions and react more appropriately. If that make sense.

Most GPs won’t prescribe it without it being initiated by a paediatrician or CAMHS but you could ask about melatonin.

Thank you, I'll bear it in mind. I'm hoping things will settle down a bit now he's in the wellbeing sessions and we've stopped trying to deal with everything as if he were neurotypical, which I think must have been creating a lot of extra anxiety for him. We know now not to discipline him by stopping him doing things to with whatever he's obsessed with, for example, which seems to have helped already. And keeping lots of snacks around, he's not great at recognising when he's hungry.