Is this Pathological demand avoidance??

[Minsnug]

Ds12 was diagnosed autism age 4. He has been a very difficult child to manage. We are fairly on top of his autism but his meltdowns can be very violent. He also has an intellectual disability and is on medication to try help with dysregulation and calm him.
Home life is manageable (most of the time) due to the very hard work of us his parents. But school has been one disaster after another. His behaviour escalates regularly and this generally ends with him been sent home, suspended etc. It is extremely stressful for all involved.
He just cannot manage himself in school. He cannot manage demands placed on him.
Yes at home it is less rigid and demands are limited. We have a strict schedule and he has no problem adhering to it. He does his chores like my other kids and I know when to pick my battles. Home is his safe place.
School is starting to fall apart again. I don't know how I can cope with this stress again. Do I just accept that school is not for him and keep him at home until the dust settles or do I battle on?
After so many years my drive and will is gone. There's only so much I can take.
What is wrong with him? Why can he not go to school and get on with it. Is this pathological demand avoidance and is there any way to manage it? Is it even recognised among professionals?

Not all areas will diagnose PDA, some will only say ASD. Others will. And some will say ASD with demand avoidant traits.

It doesn’t sound like the school is meeting DS’s needs. Are they supportive? Does DS have an EHCP? Has he had SALT, OT and MH assessments and ongoing support?

Are all the times DS is sent home from school formal exclusions? Or are they illegal, informal exclusions? How often is DS being excluded?

If DS cannot cope in school the LA should be making alternative arrangements.

If no school is appropriate would an EOTAS package work? It doesn’t have to include anything formal

Thanks for the reply @Imitatingdory. I live in ireland and services are so poor here. We get zero support. He has no OT no SALT no psychology. Nothing. Our referral to MH was rejected because his ASD diagnosis doesn't meet the criteria.

You will know if you have a child with pda. Life is extremely hard. Refusals of everything- getting dressed, teeth brushing, showering, going out, hair dressers , dentist, dr apt. He seems more compliant at home than a pda - would you say he’s highly anxious? Will he leave the house? Is it a massive battle to go out? Would he want to be on a computer 24/7.

The fact you say so will do chores makes me think he doesn’t have pda…. My child will do nothing.

If anxiety is sky high - maybe he does. Could he be ODD?

From the pda society - 70% of children are out of school and 30 % of children struggle at school. Suppose school isn’t for pda kids unless THE CHILD wants to do it or there is flexibility for the child to decide how they want to do the work.

Not sure on Ireland rules but you could get a EHCP. I’ve got a pda child of a 1 to 1 at school with no other therapies (as he refuses to cooperate) but if he doesn’t want to do it he won’t end of. Some people will find that crazy I did too. Equally if he is unable to attend due to anxiety he doesn’t go. No one can make him (too heavy) and rewards don’t work.

Suppose a pda person will only do what they want as that’s only what their brains allow them to do….. it’s horrible they want to but they can’t eg parties but can’t go / soft plays / theme parks etc

There is some good Facebook groups

Good luck hard journey. There is a forum of pda website which is helpful x