My eldest son is diagnosed with ASD and has had this diagnosis since he was 6. He’s 11 now and receives DLA, we are in Scotland.
I have been for parental training, my wife is an early years teacher who has done research and works in a special ed school.
We have a younger son who is 9. My wife gave birth to our eldest and I gave birth to our youngest - this is relevant. They have the same father who is an old friend of ours who has stopped communicating with us since our last outing when my son had a violent meltdown (again).
My son has had therapy (he currently has play therapy which is his 3rd type) which he seems to enjoy and he certainly enjoys getting out of class time. He has a safe space at school, his own room designed to his tastes and has time with us to do the things he enjoys, exercising, Lego and cooking mainly.
His meltdowns and aggressive behaviour doesn’t seem to be improving in terms of intensity, although he is having slightly less of them. He’s also choosing to be off screens more often which does improve his mood.
He takes alternative medicine which is supposed to regulate his mood. I’m not convinced it works but my wife swears by it.
This morning he would normally go to his play therapy but his therapist was on holiday so he was allowed to stay off school since he didn’t want to go into school normal time one week and then late the next. He decided he wanted to get some Lego from his brother’s room as it was his (I believe it is shared but didn’t bring that up). I told him that as his brother wasn’t there he would have to wait until later. He punched and kicked me, screamed at me and swore, and blew in my face (a favourite of his), in his attempt to get the Lego. He only stopped when our nanny came home from dropping his brother off at school. I was very upset and crying and he wouldn’t leave me alone to calm down.
I ended up going out to my garden office to work and barely saw him before he left.
This is the 3rd violent act in 4 days, he was hitting all 3 of us on Saturday night because he didn’t want to go to bed at bedtime. That’s quite a normal thing for him to get angry about.
He is very very attached to my wife, she still needs to put him to bed every night, alongside this he often criticises his brother and I for being ‘original surnames’ and telling me I care more about his brother when I am trying to keep him safe.
I honestly try to treat them both well, my eldest spends more time with me and my wife than my youngest, I even took up his sport so we could spend more time together.
I am completely at my wits end, we have asked for respite but told this isn’t available for us. Our nanny is wonderful but he is aggressive with her too despite loving her, never physically hitting but does slam doors in her face and shouts and swears at her too like the rest of us.
I feel like I want to run away, our house is fine one minute and crazy the next. He rarely uses the coping mechanisms that he has and he has support in school but still complains it’s not enough.
He will be in high school soon and I dread to think what it will be like and how we will all suffer.
I can’t cope anymore, he is so volatile and although I love him I have no time with my wife and they both refuse sleepovers and spending time with others so we never get a break.
I know he has low self esteem and we work hard to improve it but he hurts us all when he’s hurting.
I would appreciate any advice, I have hardly any friends now as I don’t have the emotional energy to be there. Please be kind in your responses.