4yo (probable ASD) and using cutlery

[SatinHeart]

4 yo DS has definite SEN (likely ASD but still waiting for diagnosis). He has a pretty restricted diet and is generally not that interested in food. The issue we are having is that he mostly refuses to use cutlery, even though he knows very well how to use a spoon/fork at least. DH is really bothered by it and wants to be much stricter about making him eat dinner with cutlery as we know he is capable. TBH I'm exhausted dealing with 2 kids under 5 and making DS use cutlery isn't a hill I particularly want to die on right now. I don't want us undermining each other's parenting though. How do we reach a consensus on this?

My ds is 8 and other than him using a spoon for a yoghurt he doesn’t use cutlery. Just his hands, it’s like feeding time at the zoo he even eats rice with his hands, honestly the mess!

You can buy special cutlery on Amazon if he’s struggling to hold it, but i think you say it is more because he doesn’t want to use it.

You can buy different cutlery with characters on to tempt him more, and just remind him every meal time to use his spoon or fork, and model to him by you using them.

But for us we have too many other issues with ds so it’s a battle i don’t pick.

Thank you so much for your reply! I'm not convinced it's a motor skills issue but I've been wrong before. I'll have a look at the special cutlery online and also ask his nursery again how he's getting on there. We tried Paw Patrol cutlery at home and it seemed to help briefly but then I think the novelty wore off. Rice is a big one for us, it just seems to go everywhere whether DS uses his hands or a fork.

We have lots of other issues with our DS too, and for me cutlery is a battle I'd happily not pick right now. But DH is really struggling with it for some reason and I do want to present a united front if we possibly can.

I think with your dh it’s probably because it’s a ‘social norm’ to use cutlery to eat with and have good table manners.

4 is still little. I’m sure there are ordinary 4 year olds still struggling with cutlery.

I wouldn’t stress it, just keep showing him hand over hand if need be and reminding him, you could even offer him a biscuit or something else he really loves after his tea if he manages to use his fork / spoon for his meal.

My dd can use cutlery but struggles at dinner in particular due to exhaustion/sensory overload, is it worse at dinner time? I'd put my main efforts into lunch and praise what goes well at dinner instead.

They say to start with chopping up play dough, bananas, bigger items.

I can see both sides - yes, cutlery use is important but no, it's not that important to have a tussle about cutlery use most dinner times at a time of day when they're most tired and least receptive.

I can hear my DS's educational pysch in my head saying 'reduce the cognitive load.'

If you think of it this way - mealtimes are difficult for our kids. Your main goal as a parent is to a) make them easy in the hope that b) they actually eat some bloody dinner. Adding social pressure - I have to use cutlery, if I don't use cutlery my dad will be cross, that's so much pressure that I don't actually want to sit at this stupid table and eat this stupid food - won't help, which you've obviously identified.

I think you need to talk to DH calmly, away from the table. I often use this analogy at school: imagine you're an animal in a cage, surrounded by lots of different animals. There's an animal at front, they're in charge and they're telling you what to do, but they're a different species so you don't understand their language. But something bad might happen if you get it wrong - they might eat you! So you have to concentrate really hard. But you're also surrounded by other animals - what if they want to eat you too? Maybe it's better to just curl into ball in the corner and hope no-one notices you then. Or, maybe you should come out swinging and try to eat all the animals first.

How much do you think you'd be able to learn in that scenario?

Might be worth using with your DH?