I need to relinquish parental responsibility for my eldest, I can't do this anymore

[Thendoftheroadmyheartisbroken]

He's 4 and has autism and I suspect ADHD. I have loved him from the second he entered the world, he was everything I had ever wished for and I vowed I would spend the rest of my life making his life as happy as possible.

He was diagnosed with severe autism at 2.5 and I've done everything within my power to learn about his condition and make adaptions so that he's happy and comfortable.

The older he gets, the bigger he gets, the more dangerous he is becoming. I could write and write about his behaviours and how he has damaged every part of the property but I would be here all day and none of that stuff really matters in the grand scheme of things but today, he could have killed his baby brother.

Baby DS is 4 months and has recently started blowing raspberries and babbling. Eldest DS hates the noise so he tries to attack him on daily basis. This morning he flipped him out of his moses basket resulting in him being face down on the floor. Luckily the moses basket was on the floor and not the stand, a preventative measure I take because I could preempt something like this.

I have covid at the moment but cannot rest or sleep because I can't leave him unattended for even a second. I have chest pains and I don't know if its the covid, the stress or both.

I've had so much advice on how to help eldest DS, I have followed it all. Every last bit of it.

I can't do this anymore. I cannot meet his needs or help him. He deserves much better than I can give him, and the baby deserves to be safe.

That sounds so tough. Are you a lone parent? If not what are they doing to help? I can recall my neurotypical eldest attacking their baby sister at that age and leaving a mark. I smacked them, the one and only time I did. I have also just had Covid and was in bed a week. My dcs are adults now so I was able to rest. I don't have any advice, just lots of sympathy. 💐

@crossstitchingnana

That sounds so tough. Are you a lone parent? If not what are they doing to help? I can recall my neurotypical eldest attacking their baby sister at that age and leaving a mark. I smacked them, the one and only time I did. I have also just had Covid and was in bed a week. My dcs are adults now so I was able to rest. I don't have any advice, just lots of sympathy. 💐

Thank you for replying. I'm not a lone parent no, I have my partner (father of my children). He tries his best and probably does a better job of it than I do to be honest, but he's at a loss as to how to prevent things like this nevause DS primary state is irritable.

People say autistic children displaying aggression or destructive behaviour is usually a form of communication to express an unmet need, except DS needs are not unmet. He has everything a special needs child should have. A quiet space, all of the sensory items, endless love and patience from parents who have dedicated their lives to trying to support him.

DS2 is sadly a trigger in himself, DS1 can't stand his noises.

I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I have an autistic daughter and she’s the youngest by a good few years, I can’t imagine having a young baby to look after too.

Do you get any help, you mention advice but I was wondering more from social services? If not, it would be worth contacting them and getting them to come out and assess yours and your ds needs. Is your ds at school or does he go to pre-school or similar?

My severely autistic DS couldn't abide his baby sister either. He was absolutely petrified of her. To him she represented chaos in a place that he thought was safe and orderly.

The first two years were the hardest. I cried most days. It is so hard. The thing you must do is create safe spaces for both kids. DC's room was where we started, we made it into a very very safe sensory room, basically. He started wanting to spend more time in there, and I put a Blink camera up there so I could watch him. I put a travel cot in the living room and that was where I could plonk the baby if I needed to deal with DC. I would take the baby to the loo with me and have them in the kitchen with me while I cooked. They lived on me like a baby monkey for the first twelve months.

I begged people for help. There was a lot of 'oh look at you, you're SUCH a good mum' and nothing practical at all. Time was what helped.

My husband and I worked tirelessly to create small moments where they could be together in a low pressure environment, so as an example we would set up 'music time' and the baby would bash a drum and DS would blow a whistle or whatever and we would all pretend like it was the best jam in the entire world. It helped a bit. What really helped was patience and time, again.

We were respectful of DS's desire for space, and made sure he had breakout spaces in the home where he could escape the baby. We also introduced ear defenders, which were a bit of a magic bullet.

One thing I should add, I never at any point even considered giving my child to someone else or relinquishing parental responsibility for him. The idea of that even now makes me feel unwell. The fact that you are considering this is worrying, and I would consider going to the GP and mentioning it to them, it could be a sign of a mental illness that needs quite urgent treatment. I wouldn't be surprised if it was and it wouldn't be your fault, you are probably in flight to fight mode 24/7. I had a breakdown in 2020 for the exact same reason.

@nancyclancy123

I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I have an autistic daughter and she’s the youngest by a good few years, I can’t imagine having a young baby to look after too.

Do you get any help, you mention advice but I was wondering more from social services? If not, it would be worth contacting them and getting them to come out and assess yours and your ds needs. Is your ds at school or does he go to pre-school or similar?

He's in pre school and has an EHCP, they're brilliant with him and have supported us in seeing an Ed psych and speech therapist. He's also had some private speech therapy and has become fairly verbal (which I'm incredibly proud about, we thought he would never speak)

I have approached SS before and asked for the disability team but I was effectively fobbed off, they told me from the off he was too young for respite and there wasn't much they could do for me even though by law I was entitled to an assessment.

I could always try again now he's 4 though.

I don't want to give up on him. I would never recover from it. My life would be as good as over. He's my world

I just feel so lost and frightened that he's going to hurt his baby brother

@theqentity

My severely autistic DS couldn't abide his baby sister either. He was absolutely petrified of her. To him she represented chaos in a place that he thought was safe and orderly.

The first two years were the hardest. I cried most days. It is so hard. The thing you must do is create safe spaces for both kids. DC's room was where we started, we made it into a very very safe sensory room, basically. He started wanting to spend more time in there, and I put a Blink camera up there so I could watch him. I put a travel cot in the living room and that was where I could plonk the baby if I needed to deal with DC. I would take the baby to the loo with me and have them in the kitchen with me while I cooked. They lived on me like a baby monkey for the first twelve months.

I begged people for help. There was a lot of 'oh look at you, you're SUCH a good mum' and nothing practical at all. Time was what helped.

My husband and I worked tirelessly to create small moments where they could be together in a low pressure environment, so as an example we would set up 'music time' and the baby would bash a drum and DS would blow a whistle or whatever and we would all pretend like it was the best jam in the entire world. It helped a bit. What really helped was patience and time, again.

We were respectful of DS's desire for space, and made sure he had breakout spaces in the home where he could escape the baby. We also introduced ear defenders, which were a bit of a magic bullet.

One thing I should add, I never at any point even considered giving my child to someone else or relinquishing parental responsibility for him. The idea of that even now makes me feel unwell. The fact that you are considering this is worrying, and I would consider going to the GP and mentioning it to them, it could be a sign of a mental illness that needs quite urgent treatment. I wouldn't be surprised if it was and it wouldn't be your fault, you are probably in flight to fight mode 24/7. I had a breakdown in 2020 for the exact same reason.

Thank you, I've taken on board what you did and what helped.

DS already has the sensory room for quiet time, all of his favourite things in there plus a stars projector, weighted blanket, sensory toys, tent, toys etc.

I don't want to give him up. I couldn't do it. I said it in the heat of the moment. I'm just so scared and desperate

I might have missed it in your messages, but do you get any respite care? Do you have a disability social worker?

@Littlefish

I might have missed it in your messages, but do you get any respite care? Do you have a disability social worker?

No respite care no.

I contacted SS last year and was told he was too young for respite and there wasn't much if anything they could do for me.

I could try again now he's 4 so that'll probably be my next step.

I did wonder if this would be the case with SW and your ds being under school age, but it might be worth explaining the incident with your baby to them and ask the pre school to back you up?

As already mentioned, definitely go to your GP and get support for yourself too.

DS is not too young for respite care. Request social care assessments - a carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS. Did DS not have an social care assessment during the EHCNA?

Behaviour is a form of communication, and usually does signify unmet needs. I don’t say that as not a criticism of you, it’s not. In this case the unmet need sounds like sensory needs if it is often when your baby makes noise, as well as difficulties with change and transition.

You shouldn’t have to pay for speech therapy. If DS needs it it should be in section F and thereby provided, if the NHS can’t or won’t the LA must commission independent provision.

Has DS had an OT assessment and is there OT provision in the EHCP?
Has he had an OT assessment at home? You could look at something like a SafeSpace bed, which are sometimes used during the day too, for when you need to keep baby and DS separate and cant always be right there with them both e.g. when you are cooking/going to the toilet etc.

Have you contacted HomeStart? They may be able to help in that they can provide another pair of hands and adult company.

This was me years ago.
What helped:

A sling

I took my baby to the toilet kitchen everywhere in sight

I slept with both of them in one big bed

I napped when they did

I took them for drives for nap time so they would be synchronised

I had 2 tvs in different rooms

I increased older sons nursery hours

I contacted a sw who did a carers assessment and direct payments allowed me to employ tas from ds nursery to take him swimming

I did the park, beach ALOT.

I did bath times together to try and create a bond but never took my eyes off them

Direct payments will also pay for someone at home to give you an extra pair of hands

Call social services . It’s a completely different department and they will help. Hard as it is, tell them you can’t cope anymore.

My 2 boys are my world, my oldest came after a difficult journey to conceive and i gave up
My career before I went knew of dss severe autism. I was quite happy to be the mum at home. It was all I wanted.
So I know how this feels.
But you sound like a smart woman, keep fighting to make sure your life can be as enjoyable as you possibly can. That kept me going.
Parenthood is now going to be different forever. But I promise you it will be rewarding- just in a very different way.

Get a referral for camhs in the system for your son if you suspect Adhd.
I did and we tried medication at 6.
We continued till 8 when I realised it was just making him placid and zoned out (so looked like compliant) not doing much else, but I explored all those options.

Your LA will also have a learning development team, give them a call- your social worker will know all about that.
They can come out and help with behavioural strategies. Even one nugget which could make a difference is worth the effort .
Speech therapy- nhs is woeful. If you have a good private one, keep going with that. Worth the money.
Find a great SS. The earlier they go in (don’t do what I did and try mainstream), the better the strategies will work on a Younger child of 5 from a behavioural aspect.

Good luck. Don’t lose yourself. Stick together with you and your partner. Swimming is a good one to do with both with your partner too, combined with a baby swim class whilst partner splash’s around with older son will feel like a day out.

We did mornings out afternoons at home on days off. It’s quiet in the mornings everywhere.

Apply for DLA. I know the form is horrendous but the money will help with carving out time for each child.