does anyone have any experience of living with a PARENT who has aspergers?

[suzywong]

I have always been at odds with my mother and as she is growing older I think she may have been living with Aperger's all her life. And now instead of being at odds with her I want to understand her and learn how best to facilitate her instead of making us both miserable

TIA

I'm Aspergers and a parent. Is there anything in particular you want to know?

oh hello bullet123
thanks for replying

well I wonder if there is any point at all in reacting to my mother, who has verbal diaorrhea, in a way any other than jsut letting her dominate the conversation.

Gosh this is really hard, I don't "know" you and I 'm mapping my very deep emotional problems with my mother on to you - so sorry in advance. I dont want to sound like I"m being judgemental or disparraging, I mean that after years of thinking her a complete PITA, I really want to know how best to manage her traits within a family situation. ONe on one she's manageable.
What I mean is how is the best way to handle her dominance and insensitivity without offending her but also letting my dad or anyone else get a word in edgeways or to change a routing without causing tension?

I can dominate a conversation very easily and, though I don't realise it at the time, I will often revert back to set topics. DH tells me I can really belabour a point and can get caught up on trivial details. I laso have tangential speech, whereby if I'm tryign to tell something I will get caught up in some minor detail and go off talking about that, so it can take a while to get to the point. Do you remember how Ronnie Corbet used to do his soliloques, when he was sat on the chair and how they always used to take forever? I do that a LOT when I do talk. Of course, because I have difficulties initiating talking I'm pretty quiet a lot of the time, but you get me on a topic I'm comfortable with and I'll rattle on like nobody's business.
So, from my own perspective, the best thing is for people to try and get in with their topics first. I will listen and I'll reply, but if they lead the conversation that means they get to talk about what they want. I'm actually probably the opposite to your mum i nthat one on one situations are the times I'll have "verbal diarrhoea" and group situations (because I can't judge the right pauses, or get the words out in time) lead many peopel to think I'm just quiet.
Can you speak to your mum about this? Is it a case (as I'll admit it is with me) that she sees things very much in her views and won't be swayed from them? One thing that might be causing her apparent communication problems is that she isn't feeling that she's getting her point across. If people are interrupting her (not to be rude, but out of a genuine belief that she's finished speaking) this might make her more upset and make her try and finish the topic.
One thign that has helped me enormously has been able to communicate by writing. I still talk, but being able to explain what I mean and what I want through writing has helped enormously in expressing my wants and needs.

thank you for replying, I really appreciate that. Your description matches my mum precisely, she still talks non-stop one on one but that's more manageable.

she used to be a headmistress so has a very strident voice and a mighty brain. She's also very rude and sarcastic too. But I think that's a result of years of power gone to her head and she is jealous of me and my dad (apple of his eye type thing).... but that's enough about famiy dynamics

I will just treat her more kindly and not take her domineering ways personally.

I SO wish I had twigged this about her years and years ago, as I say it would have saved so many rows and dashed expectations.

thanks again, bullet123

I meant to reply last night, but was too tired by the time I read your last post. Whilst her conversational difficulties could be part of her being AS, they are not solely indicative. If there are other factors (to find these if you look up Aspergers in the DSM IV criteria, or the ICD 10 criteria then the chances of her being on the spectrum will increase, if you're not sure.
Is she someone you can talk to? I know if it was me and someone in my family believed I was AS but I didn't know, I would be upset that they hadn't told me. It would then give her the option of checking things out for herself, if she wanted and seeing about getting a formal diagnosis, again, if she wanted.

Can you read some personal accounts sw? There are loads on the Jessica Kingsley website- a few written by mothers. I'd also recommend Martian in the Playground- another personal account- about school so not strictly relevant.- but a good description of very hf AS.

Oh no, I 'd never tell her. She's 77 and lives in UK and is just visiting my in Australia foer a month. I just want to be able to stop taking her so personally.

She is an obsessive list writer, gets flustered if a routine is changed and beligerent until she is back in control of things, and at a dinner party you would think she was highly entertaining as she has a broad knowledge of many things and although the converstaion is one way and not of interest if it's about something she can't top trump, IYSWIM, then she'll go off on a tangent until she can be in control of the converstation, Which is fine of course, but not on a car journey and god forbid you should sit nex to her on a long haul flight. My father pretended to be going deaf for many years but then she made him get a hearing aid. Poor Sod.

She does have many trainspotter interests, the most impressive of which is compiling and physically drawing out the genealogy of the complete European Royal Family of the 19th and 20th Centuries. She plays on the village pub quiz team but doesn't really make relationships with people who are not impressed by her cleverness.

Anyway, thanks for the advice bullet123 and yurt1

plus she is perfectly happy so I wouldn't want to interfere in her life by suggestinng she get a diagnosis and I won't be there to support her so I can't rock the boat.