How to decide whether to have another child?

[runikka]

Hi all. Havent posted for a while so wish you all a very happy new year.

Quick recap on me, I have a handsome little boy who just turned 3 in Nov, diagnosed with autism in March last year, currently non verbal but progressing slowly in other areas. We also have a little girl who is 19 months and presumed NT, starting to overtake her big brother's development.

We have just moved house and it has got me thinking about the future and whether we can consider having another child, in a couple of years or so.

I always thought I would be content with two and it didn't matter to me be they boy/girl or whatever. I wouldn't say Daniel's diagnosis has changed that but it has made me think more about our little girls future.

I have concerns of the pressure she'll be under in years to come, should anything happen to us or we just become too old to be able to care for Daniel. I am concerned about the affects on her childhood and friendships that living by Daniel's routines and obsessions may impose. This is all just hypothetical and we do not know what to expect from Daniel longterm.

I guess in my rose tinted world we would go on to have another child who would be nt, a support for our little girl and Daniel alike. A support for us and of course, a wonderful addition to the family, just like the other two However, the reality is that we "might" have another child on the spectrum. Could we cope with that? Yes, I think we could but we only have Daniel to compare to. If the third child was more severe then we would be having to reduce the support that Daniel and his sister already need. I guess my fear is that we have to do right by the two children we have and however much we would love another child with autism or without it is their future that is in question now.

I know no-one has the answer to this but it would be useful to know what made you decide to have another child after having one diagnosed or suspected with a SN. What things did you consider? I would also be interested to hear from anyone that has a child who is NT and one that is on the spectrum and how the child who is NT has coped with the SN and if there have been any major issues?

Many thanks
Kirsty

God, what a hard one it is Kirsty - I have had the same thoughts about wanting two kids to help my ASD DS in later life. I come from a family of 3 siblings, and I can see that it does actually work well, as if one drops out of the loop, the other two still help each other plus our parents. I had a sort of disagreement once with another mum who said, you can't put that burden of care on your other DC. But that's the reality, however much we might not like it. It's the one thing I really struggle with, and my nightmare is DS having to go into a home when me and DH aren't here any more. The chances of ASD are something like 5% if you have another child - I have one ASD and one NF girl, plus my husband has one NF and one ASD (girl) by his first marriage. My decision has kind of got made for me because I'm coming up to 44 and I'm just too damn tired to cope with another baby, let alone SEN. But I think if I were younger I would probably just go for it. My NF daughter is, I think, much more mature and also sensitive because of having an ASD younger siblig. She is able to look after other kids in a way I don't think she would if hadn't been through this. She is a lovely, well adjusted child though and popular, doing well at school etc. I had a few so-called "well meaning " people warn me about the need to make sure I don't neglect her, and I do try and give her some time totally to herself, even if only a hug and story at bedtime. But it is not easy, and if those same so called well meaning folk would offer to take DS for 2 hours, then I'd surely take her out on her own more. But we can only do what we can do
Good luck!

Hi aquariusmum

Many thanks for your reply I guess at the moment I just thank my lucky stars for the two I do have and of course, nothing in life is guaranteed so even if we did decide to try for no. 3 it might not happen. It just helps to hear from someone in a similar situation.

We recently completed the earlybird course and I think that might hold the key and that, at the moment, it is friends rather than additional children we need.

Thanks again
Kirsty

i have a ds1 with as and nt twins - it makes life hugely harder for me and dh having 3 because division of attention is really hard work, but i think my twins benefit from having the nt companionship - they have also brought ds1 on a lot, but i'm sure just 1 sibling would have done that. tbh when ds1 is having a screaming fit in one room and they're having a merry game of something in another room it's invaluable.trying to play/talk/eat with all 3 can be very difficullt at times but it's ok mostly. i have no experience of 2 though - just 1 then 3!
as to the future - i try not to think about it other than making attempts at saving money.
my nearly 3 yr old dd explained her view of ds1 recently ' i like ds1 but the screaming
and hitting is silly' i pointed out that people in glasshouses shouldn't throw stones.
sorry not sure if that helps - i think you need people with older kids.

I would have loved to have had another for all the reasons you state so eloquently and reasonably. But I know we couldn't cope with another with ASD having experienced the very severe end of the spectrum. I also think that DD's life would be much harder and complicated with another sibling with ASD but fantastic with an NT sibling. But I think it is like any time you consider having another baby or not, if you have to keep on thinking and thinking then you are not ready. If the day comes when you want to stop thinking and take some action, then you are ready. I know this isn't much help or comfort. Trust yourselves whichever way you decide to go and don't be afraid to decide against, just as much for iyswim.

Many thanks for your replies. It is so much appreciated. After my original message yesterday, I collected Daniel from nursery and he had the worst meltdown since diagnosis. It happened again today and with both children here it was difficult to deal with, particularly a 19 month old who was content on getting her story read to her despite her brother screaming and lashing out. The point is I could deal with it but I dont think I could stretch my resources any further and I have no indication on what is yet to come..I suspect that recent meltdowns could be just the tip of the iceberg. Luckylady you summed up the pros and con perfectly and Davros you are right, if it something that we need to continually think about then the decision isn't ready to be made.