Separation anxiety? Poss ASD, 4year old.

[Shittymumm]

My son is on the pathway to bring assessed with MAAT and although thats great and he has all the help he needs at school, there's not much help while home, so here i am again! 😅
He has recently started having meltdowns every morning refusing to go to school saying "stay with mummy", he won't go upstairs without me, has to sit next to me at the dinner table/sofa, every night he asks if I'm going to bed when he's being tucked in or he won't sleep.
I know these aren't the worst things in the world but I would like to see him happy about going school again. I also would like to know if anyone has any advice on what not/ to do to make his anxiety worse? (If it is anxiety)
Also while he's at his dad's, he doesn't seem to act like his does at school or at home, is that common?
Thank you x

We didn't have as intense issues: it was basically a problem when I left DD (e.g. with her Dad if I had to go to the shops or something) or at school/nursery. It was a transition thing only (i.e. she was fine once I was gone, but the process of letting me know was horrible for her). Do school say your DS is fine once you've actually left, or are you not getting to that point?

For us it was a mixture of finding good transition people (e.g. the same TA to leave her with at school every da), transition objects (e.g. a "hug button" or a favourite toy), and distraction (e.g. we would do a "silly wave" when I left her at school (both trying to e.g. make faces and look as silly as possible while waving goodbye). We also had a very complicated and quite long succession of hugs leading up to that (high up hug, low down hug, wobbly hug, upsidedown/sideways hug, etc.) that we would do before I left, with a distracting silly wave at the end.

She would still get sad but it seemed to all help, and over time as she got more comfortable at school we were able to drop nearly all of it (one thing at a time). Now she's older she doesn't need any of it, though we still do the silly wave for fun sometimes.

I have no idea whether this is actually advisable as we were just muddling through and seeing what seemed to make things better or worse on any given day - picking up tips and advice from various people - but it seemed to work OK and made transitions bearable.

BTW, when her Dad would drop her at school she would get much less upset with the school drop-off (but then a small amount of transition anxiety at home - so we'd still do the silly wave as she left). I think it helped to break the transition into two steps, if you see what I mean, but sadly wasn't practical as a daily thing.

I think also just reminding him that when you go you always come back.

I think it is basically an anxiety thing. Even now DD is older if there is a lot going on one of the ways I can tell her anxiety is up is that she is very insistent to remind me to check on her when I come to bed (which I always do anyway!)

Link to the hug button idea below:
www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/parenting/hug-button-children-starting-school-16870372

At bedtime, would it help to leave the room for very short periods of time (e.g. to get him a drink, put some washing away in the next room so he can hear you, have a bath in the bathroom next door, check on something downstairs), promising to return at longer and longer intervals (1 min, 5 mins, 10 mins, 20 mins) or would he still get really upset? I find with DD if she's feeling anxious I can promise to return to check on her at a set time and that will help her relax, but she's 7 and can read a clock which helps. If he can't read a clock one of those visual timers might help (you can get silent ones - and then set your phone alarm to the same time to make sure you are back on time or a minute early)?

Thank you for the reply @LightTripper. He's fine once he is in school after his teacher tells him "mummy's busy and will be back for you at the end of the day".
I did the hug button with my eldest when he first started nursery and it worked but when I tried to show my littlest how it would work he couldn't quite understand or let me draw a little heart on him 😅 bless him.
I try to leave as soon as possible while dropping him off to keep the upsetting time to a minimum.
I just don't want to make it worse for him.
Thank you x

Yes I can totally see the logic of that. DD was able to separate with a bit of time though, so it might be worth trying both ways? Great that he is happy once he is settled though!

Another thing that lots of kids find helpful is to go in a bit earlier or a bit later, so the whole experience isn't so busy/overwhelming - could that be a possibility? E.g. some kids go in early and help the teacher set up the class room, or tidy the book area, or something like that - so they are not in the big melee of other kids arriving and they have a job to do to distract them from Mum leaving?

My DS is just like that, and it also seems to be the transition that's the hardest. Fortunately for me we managed to stumbled on to a way to get him into school. We have to arrive late and race in 🏁

My timing has to be just right so we're last in and there's no lining up, but not quite late enough to have to go through the office. We have a race across the playground, where there's lines marked out, then a second race to classroom, and he'll run through the door, and I'll hand his bag to the teacher and disappear quickly. Once he's in the the door he's fine, the transition has already happened before he's thought about it, but if anything stops him or slows him down on the way in, it's instant screaming and refusing to go in.

We had to make sure every staff member who might be on the door knows the routine as if the try to make any conversion or ask him to get his bag, that few seconds is enough for him to realise he's mid transition. We also have a home/school book so I don't have to wait around to pass messages.