access when the child is severely disabled?

[midorimum]

xp wants ds, who is 3, to meet the OW who he was seeing before we split a year ago, up till now i have resisted as ds is severely disabled. he has quad CP, needs constant one to one, is on lots of medication and has swallowing and allergy issues and has no speech, therefore cant tell me what goes on, whether hes been fed etc.
he currently visits 3 times a week for around half an hour (his choice not mine)and didnt come on his last birthday as "it wasnt his day"

i know it will happen sooner or later as they are getting married/starting a family etc but i dont really trust xp to look after ds properly, he never bothered with him much when we lived there, doesnt know/isnt interested about learning his medication routine etc.

ive said i wont let him take ds on his own till ive met her first so we are at a stalemate just now, he says im being unreasonable but i think it isnt much to ask to meet the woman who will no doubt end up looking after ds when xp is on the pc/tinkering with his cars/just generally doing his own thing.

from my point of view, what with ds's disability i feel i need to meet her to start a dialogue with her so that in the future she isnt reluctant to phone me if ds has a problem or if she just wants to ask something concerning him. as it is just now there is tension as we are strangers and xp would rather keep it that way and this is what i need to change before i can happily let ds go to them

she has now started calling and texting xp when he is visiting ds telling him to hurry up etc hes only allowed out an hour it seems and by the time he travels here and back he only sees ds for 30 or 40 mins.

xp came over on christmas morning with gifts for ds and to play with his new toys etc, he was only in an hour when she phoned shouting down the phone at xp accusing him of switching off his phone (he hadnt, it was in his pocket)and telling him he wasnt to stay over here all day, ranted for about 5 mins then hung up on him, leaving him very embarrassed which i must admit did make me feel slightly good...is that bad?

im now starting to think shes a bit unhinged, she seems to resent time xp spends with ds and he seems just to be about keeping up appearances, once said he would have to get ds adopted if anything happened to me!

i despair of this situation getting sorted out in a way that everyones happy with, when i went to see a solicitor after xp started asking to take ds to see OW, i explained the situation to him and he said if there was bad feeling between us that if he went to court for access the judge would probably specify that the OW was not involved in contact at the beginning in order to get the contact running smoothly,
no idea how long this would last for though

i would love if xp was one of those really involved dads who had their kids overnight etc (the break would be nice) but he only seems to want to be "funtime franky" and part of me thinks taking ds to meet the OW is just a show and tell exercise and wont lead to any other visits but feel i need to be prepared just incase,

also he still lives in our old house and i dont particularly want him taking ds there or to her mums/sisters house which was his other suggestion as i dont know them either,

but my main concern is that i dont want him to start taking ds for visits if its not something he can keep up, ds is small enough to lift just now but is just about to get his first wheelchair and when i asked xp what would happen if he took him in the future he said he wasnt even thinking that far ahead yet which i feel he really has to as ds disability is not going to go away.

if it went to court would a judge take ds's special needs into consideration or would xp automatically be granted normal access/overnights etc?

anyone been in a similar situation/have any advice?

I don't have any expertise to offer, just sympathy for such a complicated situation. It would be good if you could have a break sometimes though, but I do understand your reservations about XP giving the right care. I had to laugh at OW, is that Old witch?

I think you need some sort of access plan in place via the courts. I have a child with quad CP and epilepsy and its hard work and the meds can't be missed cos someone forgets or doesn't take it seriusly.
The OW needs to meet your son and see what the looking after entails (she might run a mile)
A child like this requires expert looking after IMO.
Do you have a social worker? This is very complicated but the safety of your son is paramount.

aquarius... well i meant other woman but maybe old witch sounds better lol

NMC... exactly my point, i feel she needs to meet ds but xp is not for having it if im there and i dont think he knows enough about ds to give her the full facts IYKWIM

altho to be fair she might run a mile as xp told me she wants to meet him "to see what shes getting herself into"

i dont have a SW as such only an OT from the SW dept but my sons doctor and various other health professionals we have dealt with over the years know how inept/uninterested his father is and im sure could offer advice/opinions to the court if it came to it

Does your DS have any carers who could supervise a visit?

I do this for a family... taking a child to see his father (court ruled that contact sessions have to be supervised). So I wonder if other carers do it - or would at least consider it if asked.

thats a really good idea nannynick altho at the moment the only help i get with ds is from my mum and my friend who would gladly do it and obviously know ds and xp very well but TBH i think xp would have a big problem with being supervised particularly by anyone so close to me.

What is your relationship like with xp's parents? Grandmas and grandads are often good in these situations, and as they're his parents, your xp couldn't complain that you'd organised someone to supervise him.
Sympathies to you though, I'm going through a version of this scenario myself with my XH and his partner. However my DD3 doesn't have any complex needs like your son, she's just like a mad 18 month old in a very strong 7 year old's body. Best wishes for sorting something xx

I'm also in a difficult situation regarding access to my dds - dd2 is also severely disabled. Ex-h left dd2 completely unattended in the house and drove off with dd1 - I came back unexpectedly and found her alone . Since then he has had no access. I have looked into supervised access, but there doesn't seem to be anything that caters for the SN side of things. The supervised contact is also very expensive (I was quoted £300 per session , as there are psychologists etc on hand writing reports - so out of reach of most people!)

In your situation, if it goes to court, I would make absolutely sure your ds's needs are completely clear. Hopefully any sensible judge would take them into account. We have had contact with SS here but they aren't really interested in helping us, as they feel the dds are well looked after by me and dp.

Nannynick - do you mind me asking how the family found you and whether the court had to approve you for the contact? It sounds like a good set-up.

As I didn't already know the family... one of the parent's solicitors found me. The court did not have to approve... but both solicitors involved had to agree (and I presume get agreement from their clients). I had to speak with the fathers solicitor, following meeting mum and child. I then met dad on the first session.
I expect that as both parties agreed to me supervising visitation sessions, that the court itself didn't have to get involved.