DS(11) - does this sound like autism is possible?

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Hi, my DS (11 yo) is showing some incredibly challenging behaviour. I've wondered for some time if he might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum but he definitely doesn't tick all the boxes. It's also complicated as his dad and I have split up, so some of the current behaviour probably relates to that. Can anyone say if, from the short list below, this sounds like it might be worth getting a professional diagnosis?

• Extreme anger and tantrums - biting, kicking, screaming, shouting. Usually when trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do eg removing screens, or handover to his dad.
• Extremely talkative, including in class (disruptive). Often hard to get a word in edgeways; not great at listening
• Some sensitivity to clothes eg labels, and has to wear socks at all times as doesn't like the feel of bedsheets
• Has friends, but also has friendship issues being overly competitive and sometimes possessive, and sometimes dominating conversations or insisting on his own way of doing things
• Has always struggled with transitions and timings eg home to school, coming off screens, bedtime, time to go to an activity, even if this is flagged and agreed well in advance
• Has in the past been very obsessed with certain things eg particular type of plane; current obsessions are all around screens eg Minecraft
• Won't / can't talk through problems and solutions eg why he's not going to school; can't understand his own feelings well
• Hates being interrupted

But also

• No apparent issues with social norms, eye contact, understanding facial expressions, communication, physical contact etc.
• If he's not angry he can be very thoughtful / polite with thank you's and so on
• Very articulate and speaks with appropriate emotion, when he's in the mood to do so
• Not obviously 'quirky' or socially awkward

I'm struggling so much to figure out if he's desperately unhappy; if he needs stronger boundaries (though he fights against these viciously, so that's pretty challenging); or if there may also be some additional needs here that it would help me to understand better.

I'd really appreciate any replies or links to resources. Pretty desperate and miserable here. His elder brother is ADHD but is managing that reasonably well at the moment.

It certainly sounds like neurodiversity, autism or otherwise, is a possibility. I would definitely pursue an assessment.

If DS is struggling at school have you considered applying for an EHCNA?

School are involved. He doesn’t struggle once he is actually at school (except the chattiness) - he’s academically doing well, participates in class etc. It’s getting him there, and behaviour at home.

I would still apply for an EHCNA. If DS found school easier his behaviour at home would likely improve.

Is DS sometimes unable to attend school? If so, the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education.

The symptoms you’ve described are text book for childhood anxiety. During the breakup have his friendships and activities been maintained as they normally would have? Does he see both of you regularly?

He's anxious for sure. Lockdown, and a period of isolation when his brother had covid, made things much worse. He does see friends and have activities, and he does see both parents but it's very acrimonious, his dad is very controlling and strict (I'm much less strict - probably too far the other way), and he never wants to go from me to his dad.

So the situation is the root of a lot of it. I'm doing all I can to try to support him but his behaviour is so hard I'm exhausted and on the brink of getting into serious problems missing work. But I'm trying to figure out if there's underlying issues of undiagnosed SEN that might be contributing, hence the question.

I'm trying to figure out if there's underlying issues of undiagnosed SEN that might be contributing, hence the question

Unfortunately, no-one here can answer that for you, all anyone here can say is your description of his behaviour MAY indicate neurodiversity. As a parent, I think it does, but my opinion carries no weight whatsoever in any capacity.

To find out, you need to ask your GP for a referral for assessment. No-one ticks all the boxes for autism, it presents differently in each individual.

If your son has had these or other issues since early childhood, that's another indicator that neurodiversity is a possibility, as is his brother having ADHD.

Anxiety is a common co-morbid of autism and other conditions.

Having an assessment is not a guarantee of being given a diagnosis, so please trust the process. NHS waiting lists are long, private assessments can be done by a team who also diagnose for the NHS, that way there's no quibble about the validity of the diagnosis being accepted.

In the meantime, I second Dory do apply for an EHCNA.

Do have a look at Dr. Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child and his website Lives in the Balance which may help you when ordinary parenting techniques like consequences don't work.

This is a good intro to sensory behaviour
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

www.theottoolbox.com/ is a fantastic resource, it may help with sensory issues and transitions etc.

Thank you @BlankTimes. Fully realise that this is far more complex than an internet diagnosis - I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth investigating, which it sounds like it is.

I'll definitely look up those resources. It's so hard to figure out what is going on with him. His mood swings are quite extreme - he can be absolutely furiously angry, then a couple of hours later it's all forgotten and he's charming and affectionate. It's incredibly hard to deal with.

In your shoes, I'd proceed on the diagnostic pathway

Maybe they aren't mood swings he has, maybe they are his reaction to a trigger or different triggers which so far you're not seeing or understanding is a trigger for him.

All behaviour is communication, so it's possible that at his age hormones are playing a part as well as anything else.

Also the transition to secondary can be hell for a neurodiverse kid, at primary they had one teacher all day and were mostly in one room or other activities in different rooms were close by and they knew what needed doing and where, so think mostly orderly repetitive lifestyle with few surprises or major changes.

Secondary is a whole new ball game, comparatively massive campus,

books and kit to be remembered, found and transported to a different room for every lesson with a different teacher each time and sometimes different kids too, unsupervised and unstructured breaks, social norms in their peer group they can't understand, you get the picture. Imagine how hard that is for a neurodiverse person to navigate and that's before they've got their anxiety lowered enough to sit on a chair and try to pay attention.
Very often, undiagnosed neurodiverse kids present with extreme behaviour after starting secondary or at a point where they can't cope because the pressure on them is too much.

he can be absolutely furiously angry, then a couple of hours later it's all forgotten and he's charming and affectionate. It's incredibly hard to deal with
The furiously angry behaviour could be pent-up frustration of many sensory and physical things then when it gets to a certain level, like a frequently-shaken coke-bottle, he explodes and once he's recovered his equilibrium through that release, he's himself again.

If it is that, you won't know how the many triggers he's suppressed for hours previously have wound him up to that point.

Or there could be PDA in the mix. again, try the strategies suggested for that to see if they work, at this stage it's not a question of assigning a behaviour to any trait, more like trying to understand what triggers there are and putting interventions into place for him so he doesn't feel there's no alternative to react in an explosive way.

Good Luck, it's a long road to walk and find the right support