Grandson with possible autism. What to expect?

[JennieLee]

I know this is an impossible question and I'm sorry this is a long post.

At the moment GS is a very lively boy coming up to 20 months. He is only just beginning to walk - no more than a few steps at a time. He is non-verbal and does not seem to be babbling, pointing, trying to talk. He is a determined character and fascinated by certain objects - plugs, a TV remote - and will play happily by himself for an unusually long time/ He hates anything that feels physically restrictive which means it is hard for my daughter and son-in-law to put him in the car for any length of time because he gets so distressed.

My daughter has said she reckons he is likely to be on the autistic spectrum. But she reckons he could learn to talk and walk perfectly well if he wanted to. In her words 'He doesn't want to. He's just lazy'.

At the moment his very limited ability to walk and ability to play by himself - in a sense makes her life easier. She hasn't put in any stairgates. When he starts fiddling with plugs and sockets - she puts him in a large play pen and he stays there. He has been given a batteryless TV remote, while the real one has been hidden - to stop him endilessly changing channels. I think as he eventually becomes more physically co-ordinated and confident, his wish to examine all sorts of objects and see how they work will be trickier.

I suppose I am just interested if parents with slightly older - but similar - chidlren can give me some ideas about the possible road/s ahead.

None of your business. Let her deal with it.

And a happy New Year to you!

No-one here can tell you what the future holds. Are DD and GS receiving any support? It is unlikely it is laziness.

Thanks for the reply. My grandson's nursery are doing some kind of intervention to try and help him towards speaking. I had the impression that more support is sometimes offered when children are 2 if they are not ticking developmental boxes. It didn't ring true to me when my daughter described him as lazy - I thought it was more that she might find it helpful to think so. (I have a younger cousin who has what is sometimes called high-functioning autism. But for him there were no delays in walking, talking etc.) My grandson is a lovely boy. I think for me there is just a sense there may be quite a challenging road ahead. For instance my son in law keeps talking about the independent school nearby that he wishes his son to attend while my husband and I are privately wondering how realistic this is.

At the moment there isn't anything you can do. It's good hes in nursery and I'm sure they will flag issues particularly as he's approaching 2 and hopefully get the health visitor involved if need be. He still very very young and a lot can change in a very short amount of time. Ultimately if he is on the spectrum there are lots of things that can be done to help him develop.

My boys have fantastic grandparents. They just love their grandsons unconditionally for who they are. They see all the positives in my boys, talk, play and pay them lots of lovely attention. You do not need to do anything other than love your grandson just as you do already. His parents will manage any interventions, appointments, referrals etc that he needs. As for the independent school, I would suggest that you just wait and see. It may or may not be the right school for your grandson, only time will tell.

What i’ve learned on my own SEN journey is that every single autistic child is different. And of course your grandson may well not be autistic at all, just a late developer. I have friends who’s children were miles late to meet their developmental milestones and now at 6 have completely caught up and there’s nothing wrong at all. My son was very advanced at age 2 and is now miles behind. I’m sorry that I can’t help more, and personally think it’s great you’re doing some research, but really there is no way to know at this age.

My two autistic children are very close to my DM, and I am immeasurably grateful for her support. So I think it's wonderful that you are interested and care and are researching to find out more.

My DM had to process a lot of her own initial reactions and assumptions to my first child's diagnosis and it wasn't easy and I respect her hugely for working past her previous attitudes to autism and special needs.

She is one of only 2 people other than me and my husband that the children will stay (I mean for an afternoon, I don't mean overnight).

She invests hugely in both children by spending a long time listening to them discuss their special interest topics. This means the absolute world to them, and I would say is possibly the key to creating relationships with autistic children- enter into their world and love what they love, develop an appreciation for the things that capture their hyper focus - rather than expecting to coax them towards more typical interests.

So, start really looking at remote controls together! Can you find a few different sizes or colours in a charity shop? Can you sit with him and look at them together. Draw a picture of one on a piece of paper for him. Use very simple and slow language to describe what you're doing: "A remote! A big remote. I'm drawing a remote. Here's a red button. Here's a green button." (You get the idea! Lots of repetition of simple language which is relevant to his interests).

My DF (divorced from my DM) also makes an effort to engage by interests, so he sends my DS newspaper cuttings of things related to his special interests.

Your daughter may on one level be realising that her child might be autistic, yet in denial or fear or many other emotions in another level (hence , "he's lazy" could be a self protection strategy for your daughter). Try to be unconditional in your support of her, try to remember that you are several steps removed and won't be seeing the whole picture, try not to rip the scales from her eyes re the private school, but be ready to catch her and support her if indeed she does need to work through a realisation like that.

I wish you many years of joy with your lovely grandchild, whatever his neurology!