Starting process with 5yo - unsure what to expect

[aweebitlost]

Hello, I’m new to this world and just interested in others’ experiences. DH and I recently had a meeting with DS’ nursery where they said they’d like to start investigations into SEN. This didn’t come as a complete shock - he is a very quirky kid, has various sensory issues and can struggle with emotional regulation - and since he will be starting school next August (we’re in Scotland) I’m all for getting support in place before that happens.

The HV is coming to see us at home during the holidays and I’m just wondering if anyone knows what I should expect from that visit. She’s meeting with both of us so I don’t feel I can openly discuss any concerns, and I’ve looked at the ages and stages for his age and he won’t have problems with completing any of the tasks - so I suppose I’m just a bit unsure as to what the meeting can achieve.

Why don’t you feel you can openly discuss any concerns? If you are not going to discuss DS’s difficulties then how do you expect the HV to have an accurate picture of DS’s needs, and act accordingly?

Would it help to phrase it less as deficits your child has and more as things they find difficult?

So instead of ‘George cries a lot when he loses at games’ - which isn’t a great thing to say in front of George - it becomes ‘It’s really hard for you when you lose at dominoes. I know you’re trying your best to stay calm and I’m really proud of you. Can you tell the nice lady how you feel about winning and losing?’

OP, sorry, after reading orinocosfavoritecake’s I think I misunderstood. When you said both of us I thought you meant you and DH, not you and DS.

Often the HV will see you and DS then the child may play whilst you and the HV talk more. Or you could write down your concerns so you don’t have to say them aloud if you think DS won’t play independently for a little while.

I don’t feel I can openly discuss because DS will be sitting right there and he is hyper, hyper sensitive to anything he perceives as criticism.

@orinocosfavoritecake So that kind of approach would work perfectly with my DD (no SEN) but even phrasing like that would make DS quite upset. He is barely willing to discuss his emotions with nursery staff, with whom he’s very close. He will with me, alone, and sometimes DH.

I guess I just don’t want him to feel upset by the meeting. Lately nursery has been pulling him away from the group and giving him one to one time with an adult, which he really enjoys and thrives on, but he’s been making comments like ‘I’m yucky’ lately and I think this is because he’s obviously picking up that he’s being removed from the group because he’s not behaving in the group.

Writing down concerns is a great idea! That hadn’t occurred to me.

Oh, if it was me and DH then I’d have no problem!

Sorry, I shouldn’t post when I am half distracted, my misunderstanding.

I often write things down for appointments to give the HCP. I find it works well; I don’t forget to say anything, they don’t miss anything and it’s usually quicker for them to read it than it is more me to talk.

Have you heard of Enquire? They are a charity who can advise you on what help is available to DS.

Oh gosh don’t worry! No, I haven’t heard of Enquire - I will look into that. Thank you.

I would write down your concerns and keep a diary of things that happen as examples. That way, it's harder for HV to dismiss you both as just overly anxious parents. I also thought about all the things we do as a family that we think of as normal life but actually are all adaptations we make for DS. E.g. we have no rugs as he gets too sensory seeking with them throving them around, he cannot have food mixed and literally cannot eat it if it is, our routines are so strict but all.led by him as he loves them, any little change to routine is met with intense anxiety, we always eat lunch at exactly the same time, he is very literal in his speech etc. We saw a paed as part of the early help process initiated by school who asked what our concerns were and I tried to explain that his social skills etc were the main area but also sensory. We were told he didn't meet the threshold for diagnosis and were turned away. School kept gathering evidence and we went back 6 months later and then they did diagnose. Interestingly, the paed asked me why I wanted the diagnosis, like why bother when it wouldn't change anything? I said I would never want to change him buy the diagnosis would open more support and would help him to understand his own challenge as he got older, and his wonderful abilities (his long term memory and maths skills are amazing).
So my main advice is: don't be fobbed off, professionals do usually want to help you but they also have budgets they're working with, and you might have to fight for the support your DS needs. And welcome to this amazing sen community here!

But, not buy!

Thank you MagratLancre! Honestly, I would never have sought help if the nursery hadn't suggested it. Prior to August 2020 DS was an absolutely 'normal' child. Since going back from the first lockdown things have never been the same but I've seen a lot of improvements so put the new behaviours down to anxiety which was slowly abating. The nursery has a very different take though and obviously they see more children his age and they see him under more stress (as much as he enjoys nursery, with family is very much his safe space).
I've been keeping notes of his triggers and will make a list of all his obsessive behaviours too before the meeting. I was feeling quite nervous about it but now feeling much more positive.

ASQ also do (or did) a social and emotional questionnaire which you should be able to find online. This is much more detailed. I was given this to complete by our HV when ds was 3ish, we were monitoring following his 27 month review.