Anxious about new school term already

[Whatafustercluck]

We had our now regular catch up with our 5yo dd's teacher, senco and our family worker yesterday and what they've said has made me so worried about the start of the school term in January.

Dd's behaviour went off the scale (at home only) when she started reception. It has levelled off a lot, and she's much more in control most days than she was a few weeks ago but change does still affect her badly. By the end of her first week she was refusing to wear uniform and refusing her seatbelt (we have got over the seatbelt issue largely because we keep her calm enough to get into the car and wear one by not forcing the issue over her uniform).

The first time she refused her uniform (before I knew anything about what might be causing it) I was so stressed out by the extreme behaviour that I made her walk to the main classroom door in her Onesie, thinking she'd feel self conscious and change her behaviour. Of course it didn't, it resulted in her feeling self conscious, lacking control and out of her depth. As she had no control over that, she seized control of the situation the only way she knew how - by refusing to keep her seatbelt on.

The school agreed she could instead get dressed in the sensory room in the morning, and she now enters school through the office (without me) and gets herself dressed, joining the class when register is taken. It has worked well, her behaviour has improved, her stress levels are kept in check and she reliably keeps her seatbelt on during the 15min journey to school, invariably going off happy.

Of course, we knew it couldn't (and shouldn't) last forever, and we were hoping that we would have some proper professional support in place by the time we had to make changes to this arrangement. As it stands, she's currently without any formal recognition of her difficulties as she appears fine and doing well educationally at school.

Yesterday they dropped the bombshell that the headteacher believes a new year, new term is the right time to break the cycle. Dd must now go in through the main classroom door with the other children, whether she is in PJs or uniform. They believe that if she's given two choices, she'll choose the least worst one. Like we haven't tried that on numerous occasions.

I had to say we'll try it, otherwise I'll be labelled as 'that parent' who always expects other people to make allowances for their child. But I already know how it will go. She may, on the first day, agree to the uniform under duress. We will see the return of some difficult behaviour/ procrastination but we'll manage to cajole her into it, somehow. By the end of the week, all our stress levels will be sky high and I'll end up having to take her to the main door in her PJs. That will result in her stress going through the roof and by the following week we'll see her again refusing her seatbelt, with us forced to use the harness and sustaining physical injury getting her into the car.

I am honestly dreading it. We've come such a long way understanding her, what her triggers are, how to handle her sensitively etc and we'll be back to square one by the following week.

Does dd have a diagnosis? I believe this should be classified as a reasonable adjustment, it’s dreadful that schools refuse to make such small concessions.

No diagnosis, we're on a pathway now though, slow progress. She's always had some sensory difficulties, some days more pronounced than others. But we only really realised it was something more than that when her behaviour deteriorated significantly when she started reception. She's socially very adept, very skilled, very bright etc, never any problems at nursery. But she struggles emotionally while presenting in all other respects to be confident, outgoing, strong etc. School see a very 'normal' child.

I would have a very frank discussion with the SENco about the likely consequences and reiterate that this is a reasonable adjustment for a child on the pathway to a diagnosis.

They don’t sound very understanding. Do you know how they are with dc who are diagnosed or have more obvious issues in school than your dd?

Do you know what it is about the uniform that causes her difficulties?

If it's a sensory issue you can get uniform without labels (ASDA or M&S), or maybe agree an alternative with the school. DS has autism and school is fine with him going in pe uniform instead if he needs to (black joggers, white t-shirt & same jumper).

Or if it's a choice/ control issues would having different uniform options help? So she can choose jumper/ cardigan/ fleece, skirt or trousers, tights or socks etc.

@Sprogonthetyne I think it's mostly control issues tbh, but bizarrely sometimes having options makes her worse - she will opt for something, then say it's not right, try something else and then it escalates anyway. I've also tried pre-empting issues by going through her wardrobe and drawers with her, asking her to try things on and discarding things that don't feel quite right. Her reactions are very situational it seems - she will happily wear a pair of shoes one day, but have problems with them the next. Frequent shifting of goalposts is definitely a thing for her.

She sounds very like my autistic 11 year old, except she'd just about wear the uniform, her anxieties would be about other specific issues.

She only got diagnosed aged 10, in Y5 (currently Y6).

I cannot tell you how much I regret not being "that parent" earlier. We are on the verge of emotionally based school refusal now, she is bright and did okay. I was told of her social skill difficulties pretty early on by school but so many people have said to me, "but she's so sociable, there's no way she's autistic, she's fine!".

She's not now. She is highly anxious, and 5' tall. You can't physically force her to school and I think that is the pathway to creating huge anxiety.

Personally, I'd tell school in advance you have reservations and why. Then try. If she won't go in, don't force her. I have bribed coerced and cajoled my daughter in for years. Changed primary for Y5 hoping for a fresh start and more understanding but she masks so well and is so academically able it's had to hit a crisis. We genuinely feel that to manage her MH now we'll end up deregistering her as her education can be continued at any point but if we keep forcing her down this path her mental health may be a long term issue (even first primary noted anxiety from YR).

How far off diagnosis are you? How confident are you from any feedback so far?

My DD also really atruggkes with decisions, they up her anxiety and she tries to control everything- again I think partly at least to manage her anxiety.

I would definitely make a visual timetable of the morning and how it'll be in January for your DD.

Mine is anxious already (still..) and already saying she won't go back so I feel your worries. (And with a crap plan too- breaks as agreed which have helped but not drastically, she eats alone, and 1 week half days, next week 3 full days then full time. I just know how this will go...)

@DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep we're a long way off diagnosis and getting passed from pillar to post. We were referred to YOUnited and have received a letter today from them to say dd's needs are best supported 'by another service' and so they're passing us onto the local Emotional Health and Wellbing Service. No idea what that means, or what we can expect from here.