Parents in the same room sparking trouble

[halfbuffy]

We're early on in the process of getting our DD an ASD diagnosis so we're making adaptations that seem to work day to day, but one thing we're having trouble with is that largely she doesn't have difficulties if she is just with her dad or me, but if we are together in the same room or we all go out for a walk/dinner then it seems to spark her ASD manifestations.

We're still together, we don't argue in front of her, so it's not a negative experience. Even just chilling watching a film she will start to cry and scream and act out.

Has anyone had a similar experience of this or could help explain it so that we can try and solve it? We're fed up of having to sit in different rooms for a quiet life! Thank you!

We had this with DS(5), for him it wasn't so much who was in the room, but the number of people. At the minute he's OK up to about 5 people, so doing things as a family of 4 works, but until about a year ago his tolerance was only 1 or 2 people, so was far easier if I had just him or him and sister alone.

DS is very sensitive to sound and general busyness, so the more people in the room, the more he's processing the sound of breathing, footsteps, fidgeting etc. which he finds overwhelming.

How old is your DD? And how dose she do in other settings?

That's good that you've built it up. She's 4, she seems fine if there's more people, for example I had 2 friends round this weekend and with the three of us and her there were no problems. Also say if we are with family/cousins/a friends house it's fine (largely). At school she does have some times where she's overwhelmed but they've made a break out space for just her when she needs it.

It just seems to arise when it's just me and her dad in the same room or in the car. It's almost as if something makes her act out so that she is our sole focus? I don't know!

My son is like this when his sister is home but at school he loves her to bits and is always getting pulled out of her class to do things with her brother he will have outbursts for no reason be angry sad then can be Happy he hasn't been diagnosed yet it'd such a long process. X

How is your DD's understanding and communication? My DD responds well to us drawing out the situation and narrating it to explain what's happening and why, eg "Mummy and Daddy like being together in the lounge with DD watching TV. " Then narrate / draw how DD responded, do it neutrally and openly, no judgement, then ask "I wonder what DD was feeling / I wonder what felt difficult for DD".

My DD finds reading people and being unable to predicting their behaviour very anxiety provoking. It might be that your DD can't yet process or understand the way the dynamic changes when it goes from being the 2 of you to 3 of you. Or could be she was scared or misunderstood something in a previous 3 way interaction some time ago but the fear has remained. This often happens for my DD, and because she is very articulate she can often name what's at the root of her fear, as long as we can see past yhe presenting behaviour and patience asking her about it.