We never do things as a family any more

[Whatafustercluck]

Dd's behaviour is out of control and I've no idea how I should be dealing with her, nothing seems to work unless she gets her own way. She's undiagnosed. Early intervention family worker involved, lots of meetings etc, she's just 5yo. We have no idea really what her triggers are, what causes any of it and we're trying so hard to work her out and understand her but some days I'm so close to smacking her.

She rarely gets dressed at home for school. During particularly bad periods, she's vile - won't get dressed, verbally abusive, spits, swears (fucking bully is her current favourite). She's currently taunting her older brother, calling him fat repeatedly, stood naked demanding I get her dressed. I've confiscated things for consequences, taken away privileges but she just doesn't care. She will goad and goad and goad until she gets a reaction. Living with her is a perpetual nightmare and most days I am in tear. Rewards don't work, consequences don't work, patience and understanding is met with temper tantrums. When I try to her away from her, she follows me around.

It's nearly 11, she's not dressed and I just want to get out of the house. Dh is at the shop, he'll come back and I'll take my opportunity for time out, but we can't get out of the house together for a walk, a meal or any of those normal things most families do. When she's like this, even if we get her dressed she won't wear shoes and socks. She sometimes goes for days without cleaning her teeth.

So many lovely Christmas activities going on, and we're leading separate lives just so me and dh can give each other a break from her. Sometimes I feel like I wish she'd never been born. What kind of a mother does that make me?!

I lock myself in the bathroom to have some space so I don't react to her with anger. We're getting locks fitted to our bedroom door and our ds's door to give us time and space away from the physical and verbal abuse. We wouldn't dream of locking her in her bedroom, but we need to be able to have our own space, which she just doesn't respect. Sorry, I don't know why I'm posting really, I'm at the end of my tether.

Tantrums or meltdowns?

Would a SN buggy help? Many families find getting out easier with one. DC don’t have to focus on walking, they can retreat so it’s less sensory overload/anxiety provoking.

Does DD have an EHCP? Has she had SALT, OT AND CAMHS assessments? People often find if DC’s needs are better met at school homelife becomes easier.

Have you had social care assessments? An assessment via the disabled children’s team for DD and a carer’s assessment for you.

We find we split up more often than we otherwise would so other DC don’t miss out.

She doesn't have an EHCP and is not currently being assessed. Around here, the pathway is to first do the Triple P course first. The gp will not refer because her behaviour is not evident at school. She's flown under the radar until she started reception, as in many other respects she presents as a typical 5yo. She makes friends, she's met milestones, socially very able etc etc. The sensory issues have always been there, but it only became debilitating since starting school. Family worker has been great, but obviously they have a process to follow which involves us trying different strategies and making sure our parenting isn't at fault 🙄

I've read back the above and feel so ashamed. It was a particularly bad morning. She made me a 'sorry' picture, apologised to her brother without prompting and, despite a few ups and downs, she was so loving, affectionate and helpful that she was like a different child.

They are meltdowns really, but they start on the flip of a coin. One minute she's lovely, the next, something happens (usually transition of some kind) and she flips - begins saying I hate you, I don't like you, fucking bully etc - but with no provocation at all. It's so hard to deal with. I've likened it many times to living with an abusive partner.

She's incredibly smart, independent, funny and kind - and incredibly polite with others, so she knows what good and bad behaviour is - but she flips out numerous times when she gets home from school or the first day of the weekend, it's like a rollercoaster, we live on our nerves worrying what will set her off next and when it will kick off again.

For an EHCP you do not need a diagnosis, nor to have done the Triple P parenting course. The only legal test for an EHCNA is - a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP. Any other hoop the LA want you to jump through is unlawful. You can apply yourself, IPSEA have a model letter you can use. An EHCNA can include an OT assessment which will help with the sensory differences.

DD is masking at school. Managing at school and exploding at home is not uncommon, neither does it mean the problem is at home. Have you tried ear defenders, visual timetables, now and next board, egg timers etc?

PDA?? Sounds possible.

Read Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance by Phil Christie and Ruth Fidler. Try the strategies they suggest in terms of reducing and re-phrasing demands.

Don’t feel ashamed, it sounds like an incredibly draining and hard situation. I can’t believe the GP won’t refer because of it not being evident at school. Loads of kids mask at school. I’d definitely go down the route imitatingdory suggests.

No advice but solidarity. I have almost identical issues (plus more) with my son and unfortunately don’t have any answers myself (and I’ve done the Triple P !) …..

One minute she's lovely, the next, something happens (usually transition of some kind) and she flips

Okay, you need to be more observant about what makes her 'flip' When there's a transition coming up. pay more attention until you can reliably predict at which point she's going to 'flip'

Then, you can put some interventions into place.

Usually difficulty with transitions means the child doesn't understand what's going to happen, or why something different needs to happen at that time. This can be eased by now, next and then instructions/explanations.

Downloadable charts and helpful graphics here, as just a verbal explanation can be forgotten or misunderstood on its own.
www.twinkl.co.uk/resource/t-s-100-now-next-then-visual-aid

Another great resource with explanations and interventions for sensory needs
www.theottoolbox.com/parent-toolbox/

How much sleep is she getting per day?

I came to say read the PDAsociety resources as well, it’s very hard parenting a child like this but with understanding the triggers you can reduce some of the difficulties.