ADHD and 10yo Dd

[longestlurkerever]

I'm pretty sure my dd1 has ADHD. Dh has recently been diagnosed and DN has it too so it wouldn't be a massive surprise and she has many traits. I've talked to school about it before and they have agreed she does show traits but didn't feel she met the threshold for pursuing a diagnosis as she manages fine in school with a little extra support. She's actually doing really well at school- engaged, scoring very highly on tests, impressing teachers with her perception and the quality of her writing but she does have some issues eg - spelling and grammar is a bit haywire although she performs really well in spag tests she struggles to apply this in her writing, keeping still/staying on her seat and she does get upset about friendships etc and has sessions with the school counsellor.

We just had parents' evening which was generally really positive - she's scoring about 140/137 on standardised tests in writing and reading comprehension (not sure what this is but the context was it's very high - GCSE level) and a bit less well but still well (125ish) in maths. She's engaged and really enjoying school, especially art, coding, writing. But also the teacher said her lack of organisation and ability to stay in her chair was really noticeable now and he'd mentioned it to the SENCO. The SENCO then stopped me in the playground mentioning she had some feedback from the teacher and the counsellor and could I meet with her on weds.

Just trying to marshall my thoughts ahead of that meeting. What are the pros and cons of pursuing diagnosis? Part of me feels like it's pathologising aspects of her personality and in the context that she's doing well what actual help will it be? Dh and DN are on medication but do I really want that for dd1 when she's not really struggling? What options are there short of this?

I'd love her to struggle less with friendship issues but can't really see what a diagnosis would do to help there, and when it comes to school work I don't want expectations about what she can achieve automatically curtailed.

On the other hand she's about to start secondary and I can see risks if she struggles with the transition and encounters less understanding teachers than she has to date. At that point I might wish I'd started the process sooner. But that's not playing the ball in front of me. Currently she's really positive about her secondary school choice and the opportunities the move will afford.

I'd love some opinions/experiences just to help me sort out my head before I meet with school on Wednesday.

My DS(8) was diagnosed with ADHD last Wednesday, although he's had his autism diagnosis since 4. So far the cons are that he's very upset about it and keeps talking about throwing himself into a volcano. The pros are that we know exactly what we're dealing with. He's not being naughty when he can't sit still or loses his coat for the millionth time. We know it's because of his disability. I'm hoping that once the medication takes affect (at least 2 weeks) his social interactions become easier as he'll be calmer and less exhausting to other other children.

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry your Ds has been upset by the diagnosis. That must be really difficult and it worries me too. I don't want DD to think there's something"wrong" with her. I suppose deep down I've always known that DD is neurodiverse and so I already feel I know that there are some things she can't help and treat her accordingly, but I've never thought of it as a disability as such because it probably contributes to her abilities in other areas, as it does for dh.

Do I need the validation of a diagnosis to continue treating her as if she has certain struggles? Not really, tbh. But I might do if at secondary she struggles to cope with a change of expectations. But if I'm really honest I don't know how many allowances I want made for her - I know she can do well, as dh has, and it'll be harder for her than for others but she'll do it anyway, finding her own coping mechanisms, and maybe that's better than teachers just being given a cop out to lower their aspirations for her? Sorry, that's not very nice, and I'm not sure it's what I overall think, but it's one voice in my head.

I'm conflicted about medication. It's been helpful for DN. Dh has just been prescribed it too and I'm hopeful it might help his chronic fatigue in which I think coping mechanisms for ADHD are a factor, but for dd1 I'm not sure. I don't really see the ADHD aspects of her personality as causing her personally too many problems and although her being calmer would be easier on me and her teachers that doesn't feel a good enough reason. The SENCO said there are other steps before you get to medication but that's not been my experience with DN and DH.