Grandparent here!

[JennieLee]

Hello, can you offer any thoughts.

I am concerned for my daughter who has a demanding full-time job, an 18 month old and a workaholiic husband. Physical distance, her commitments and Covid mean that a lot of my grandparenting especially in the last year - she moved further away - has been via Zoom.

More positively my daughter gets a lot of support - think four long days a week - from her mother-in-law who lives nearby..

My grandson does not talk. As far as I can tell via Zoom he doesn't really make the sounds that are early attempts at speech either. He doesn't point or seem particularly interactive - though of course it's hard to tell when you're not physically there. Interacting with someone on a screen is not the same, even when that person is reading stories, waving, saying your name etc.

He has some glue ear on one side, but the people at the clinic say that he can hear normal speech. (Just not whispers).

He will walk - unsteadily and rather reluctantly if my daughter holds his hand, He does a little bit of cruising I think. But otherwise he just crawls.

My daughter is talking to me a bit about all this, but also seems uncomfortable and reserved about the topic. At times she'll say things like, 'The doctors don't know anything.' and 'My friend says her baby didn't speak or walk till he was two and he's absolutely fine.' My son-in-law hasn't been sighted on Zoom for some months.

I think nursery have suggested various interventions, but my grandson only goes to nursery for two half days so they can't really do a lot.

I just feel rather distressed about it all. I am rather a 'hands on' person by nature and would like to feel I could help in some way, but am not really being asked for help.

So just watch and wait, do you reckon?

Are you and your daughter both in the UK?

Yes, but different ends!

The nursery have obviously raised concerns, or she has raised them with them, and it sounds like she has already spoken to the health visitor or GP if he's already had a hearing test. Unfortunately at this age there's a lot of waiting-and-seeing as 18 months is so young.

It's possible that your daughter is just worried and doesn't want you to see there being 'something wrong' with her ds. I can relate to this absolutely. I thought from the age of two that my ds might be autistic but I found it hard to hear other people expressing concerns about his development because to me it felt (at the time) like a criticism of him. I also didn't have a full time job that I imagine has a lot of other stress attached to it in addition.

Are you able to arrange to go and visit them? My advice would be to continue to support your dd, as you are already doing, and take her lead on discussing any issues rather than bringing them up yourself. Unless she has her head completely in the sand, which it doesn't sound like she does, then she's probably already doing the right things.

Thanks. Yes, that's sensible.

I would second openupmyeagereyes's wise words. My Ds has autism (he's 12 now). I found the time when he was 18months - 3 years probably the hardest. It was becoming more and more apparent that my Ds was 'different' and the gap between him and other children started to become very noticeable.
I found it very hard to talk about as I would get so upset. Even though it was all I could think about!

It sounds like you are a really great mum/grandmother and it's lovely that you are so supportive and that you're already open to the possibility that your DGS may (and I say may) have a developmental delay.
My DM was in complete denial (she still is!).

Your DGS is still so young and I'm afraid there is a lot of 'let's wait and see' from health care professionals at this stage anyway, even if your DD were actively pushing for things.

I think when he gets a bit older and if he goes to more nursery sessions, a good nursery should start to flag things up and put in a referral to speech and language. They can also help with things like advocating for support at primary school/a referral for a possible diagnosis. That's a way off though.

I would also second visiting if you can. It may be that by spending face to face time with your DD that she might open up if she's worried. Other than that, again it sounds like you're doing all the right things at this stage.

I’d personally say nothing. Be the amazing listening ear. Don’t ask any questions! NONE !

Your daughter is super scared and it’s at max capacity mentally she doesn’t need to explain anything- as sometimes that’s too hard.

Maybe offer her I’d love to come down in 3/4/ 5 weeks depending on your schedule and even double bonus if you would like me to wait in the house caring for x so u and husband can go out that’s great! Tell her maybe a day or two even if you are happy to stay in a hotel - so less stress too! Or even a day visit. But honestly don’t question anything as thats when the draw strings on the bridge come up and you will have nothing.

Just go there to be a friend and not someone who is wanting questions / answers and I bet that’s most appreciated! Have a nice cake or a nice walk or a nice wine and enjoy! Good luck 🤞

I think it's a very difficult balance.

Because to be honest, my husband and I have been worried for some time about our daughter's health and happiness - the extent to which she pushes herself, how exhausted and ill she is and how she seems to feel she has no real alternatives - which is rather separate from the newer issue re her child taking its time in terms of walking, talking etc..

I absolutely agree that one doesn't want to provoke a kind of raising of the drawbridges.

But I think when we do visit we'd like to carry on expressing a bit of concern about her own well-being. She used to enjoy a particular kind of exercise class and when we suggested that she might like to go back there - she said she couldn't see herself returning in the next few years.

Just let her know that you see how hard she’s working and what a great job she’s doing but that you are here for her to talk and with practical help as much as possible.

My mum will occasionally offer to get a cleaner or something for me, have never said yes but it’s nice to feel validated and supported.

You sound lovely by the way