SEN And Friendships/Parties - ADHD

[Moonfly574875]

Waiting for a possible ADHD diagnosis for primary aged ds.

I have recently heard that a class party has taken place without my ds (and another child who has similar traits) not being invited. It is difficult to hear this but a month ago, I held a birthday party for ds and invited a handful of friends (including the host of this other party as he is in the friendship group). I tried to ignore the hurt feelings (I felt) as ds seemed oblivious and just carried on. Whilst I can understand that my ds's behaviour is unpredictable (but never violent - more prone to meltdowns), it feels difficult to reconcile that ds is already being left out of things due to this.

How as anyone else proceeded with this? - just kept inviting others for play dates and ignored the fact that they aren't reciprocated? I think that's the way forward. Have you been open about your dc's condition to parents of children within the friendship group who most likely consider my ds to have behavioural issues? I think it is difficult for parents of neuro typical children to understand children who display certain behavioural traits like my ds and can be largely the fear of the unknown.

Any advice?

Haven't got an answer but I know the feeling. My son is currently going through diagnosis for ADHD.. there was a birthday party last week that the whole class was invited to but not my son, he and the birthday boy actually play together a lot and my son says he's one of his best friends - but I know the mum doesn't like my son due to his behaviour (made a complaint to the head teacher against him saying that he was a bully due to behaviour)
My son was heartbroken, his classmates were all talking about it.. when I got home I cried on the phone to my husband 🙁 x

yourfavouritemuggle

So sorry your son experienced this and I can fully understand having a cry. I think I'm more in denial and blaming covid for lack of parties etc. and so far my ds hasn't mentioned any other parties. Thankfully the parents involved have been discreet. What gets me a bit, is that they have no qualms sending their dc to my dc's party. Having said that, I'm glad they don't, otherwise a party wouldn't be possible. Having an older dc, I have watched parent politics where parents line their children up with other 'suitable' children. However, this only works until a certain age. Just holding onto the fact that my ds has a friendship group and the children are pleasant natured. My dc is definitely the lively one of the bunch.

@Moonfly574875

yourfavouritemuggle

So sorry your son experienced this and I can fully understand having a cry. I think I'm more in denial and blaming covid for lack of parties etc. and so far my ds hasn't mentioned any other parties. Thankfully the parents involved have been discreet. What gets me a bit, is that they have no qualms sending their dc to my dc's party. Having said that, I'm glad they don't, otherwise a party wouldn't be possible. Having an older dc, I have watched parent politics where parents line their children up with other 'suitable' children. However, this only works until a certain age. Just holding onto the fact that my ds has a friendship group and the children are pleasant natured. My dc is definitely the lively one of the bunch.

I know.. he flits a lot between friends anyway, every day he's got a new best friend but I'm sure it's because he's played too rough and hurt them so they've fallen out with him 🙁 He hasn't had a party himself yet, I wouldn't know who to invite anyway! The mum of this boy gave out the invitations in front of me and my son, all the other kids were excited to have a party invite and we just stood there, he was gutted! Part of me wishes I would have said something to her but then again I don't want to be the mum who demands her child is included in everything 😂

That is awful. The mother must be an utter fu**wit to do that with the invitations, I'm so sorry for you both. My eldest dc wasn't invited to something because they could only fit so many around the table in spite of dc being a definite member of the friendship group (and everyone else seemed to be invited). I know how this feels. Thankfully my dc seems a bit oblivious to stuff going around him...I think the covid aspect has helped with this in relation to reduced number of parties.

It's awful isn't it. My DS and I were made to feel like social leppers qt his old mainstream school! The playground looks at pick up etc. Horrible and anxiety enduring and then our kids are heartbroken through no fault of their own. NT parents just don't have a clue. Some of the friendliest parents to me soon stopped say hi etc when their kids presumably started talking about my DS who has asd. Such a shame there is so much intolerance and ignorance. His new class group all have additional needs and the difference to his self esteem has been incredible to see.

Hi.

My Ds is on the pathway for an adhd diagnosis he’s 5. I talk to a few of the parents at school drop off pick up and I’ve just been honest from the get go. All of them have thankfully been understanding. I think sometimes being open can help a lot. My son also has a friend who he has know since they were babies with Autism so we always have them thankfully.

He’s got his birthday party coming up in a months time and I’m inviting the children with understand parents. Likewise we’re inviting the children with Autism because I would hate anybody to be excluded.

It’s hard and I know he does get on some kids nerves because he can be stubborn so I don’t expect him to be invited to everything let alone anything but we’ll see. I’ve always been told he makes people laugh 😆

I actually have some sympathy for a parent thinking they dont know how to cope with a meltdown at the type of event where a meltdown is likely and wanting to just concentrate on their own child. Its pretty hard hostingvas it is. But i wish they would just ask. Ask if my child would cope. Ask what they could do to help them cope. Ask if i could support

Definitely @elephantsparade. I would never imagine to do a drop off type party with DS and would always stay! Fortunately he had a good time trick or treating last night and saw a friend from his new school so it was fine in the end.

A similar thing happened recently with my son, a boy who he would describe as one of his best friends didn’t invite him to his party, but other boys in the class were. In the past, said friend has told my son his mum said not to play with him, which broke my heart a little. My son is going through an adhd assessment at the moment. I feel so sad at the thought of him being left out due to this.

Also OP I wanted to say I agree with all that you have said. I feel like my son wasn’t too bothered (or didn’t appear overly so) whereas it really upset me.
Other parents probably see him as just having a behavioural problem and don’t see the other side of adhd - the tantrums, anger, worry, extreme anxiety that we all have to deal with at home. Sometimes I want to tell people what we’re he is going through but don’t want them to judge him for it. It’s so hard.

"How as anyone else proceeded with this? - just kept inviting others for play dates and ignored the fact that they aren't reciprocated? I think that's the way forward."

Yes. That's my approach. I just think about making my play dates a success and don't worry about what everyone else is doing.

To get a decent turn out (say 5 to 10 kids) at DS's parties, I have to invite everyone he's ever met and then remind them all several times.

I tried the same approach with NT DD and 29 turned up! 29 bloody kids! I had to run out half way through for emergency pick n mix. I thought we were going to have crush injuries on the bouncy castle.

Sorry, I haven't returned to this thread for a while but thank you so much to all who have replied.

But i wish they would just ask. Ask if my child would cope. Ask what they could do to help them cope. Ask if i could support

As with most things, I think it is the fear of the unknown and agree with the comments Elephantparade has made.

This is tricky isn't it because if you don't tell the hosting parent there is a diagnosis then they probably won't say anything for fear of inferring there is an issue. I am in a grey area with this because I don't have anything to declare as such as we are awaiting a diagnosis (and it is likely to be a good number of months away yet from what I can gather). I'm sure the majority assume dc has a behavioural issue. One of dcs friends parent has said they would like to invite dc over - I would be willing to be open with this very lovely parent if only I had a diagnosis, in this way it would be a relief. Lockdown certainly masked the lack of party invites as there were no parties.

Oh and yes dashoflime...I've had that bouncy castle waiting for a catastrophe/near full house of invites with another dc too...you have my sympathy on that one. Fortunately, (and the age dc with suspected adhd is now), parties tend to get smaller. I think it might help if it is an activity based party/a lot of structure.