What to do when you are your child’s trigger

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Trigger is possibly not the best word but I couldn’t think of anything else

DS3 is 5 and is undiagnosed as of yet, we are in the middle of a very frustrating process but atm has suspected ADHD although I’m sure there’s something more than that too
Anyway, during the evidence gathering process from school and other caregivers it’s becoming very clear that he is at his worst when he is with me
Lots of behaviours that make my life miserable on a daily basis nobody else even recognises, I can literally walk out of the door and it’s like a flip is switched and he’s a different child

Has anybody else had any experience with this?
I’m starting to think he’d be better off not living with me

I understand, my autistic son can be like this too. It's because you are his safe space and he knows you will love him unconditionally. He can probably make a massive effort to control his behaviour for a short time and then it all unravels.

I do get that, and I understand him holding it together at school then coming hone and lashing out at me, that but I get
But it’s more than that and it honestly feels like he’s just unhappy when I’m around
For example I can’t take him to birthday parties or gatherings really of any kind because he will just sit on my knee chewing his hands or repeating himself and I guess stimming? But if I’m not there and he’s with his dad or grandparents he runs of playing and getting involved having a good time, or at night times if he knows I’m in the house he just screams and screams and screams for me all night long, whereas if he knows I’m not in the house or if he’s at my parents house he sleeps peacefully almost through the night. I can’t take him to any of his extra curricular activities because it’s the same, just won’t get involved if I’m there
It’s like I make him miserable

Could it be something I’m doing/not doing?

It's not you making him worse, it will be because he is allowed to be free around you. I have one the same, he's older so he can tell me now that he doesn't understand my feelings or think about them when he reacts or behaves in an unkind way. But he can't moderate his behaviour unless he is around another adult or at school. It's like an impulse. Which is all very shit for me as I don't ever see the 'happy' side of him. Not sure what the answer is but you are not alone.

No advice op, but plenty of sympathy. 4yo dd is undiagnosed, but increasingly difficult to manage at home. Just getting her dressed to go out for a nice day at the seaside is torturous and can take an eternity. She currently refuses to wear socks with any of her shoes, but her shoes rub her feet. We've tried all kinds of socks and all kinds of shoes. Some days she won't brush her teeth. Most days she turns up at school in her PJs. She tells me she hates me, repeatedly. She shouts and screams when I tell her to get dressed. Yet she behaves perfectly for others and school say she has no difficulties when she's there, interacts well, sits nicely and listens to stroy them, raises her hand to answer questions etc. I don't know what to do for the best, how to handle her and nobody will refer her for assessment. In the meantime it's incredibly debilitating for the whole family as we just can't plan to go for days out together. Yesterday she spent the entire day while we were out adjusting and readjusting her wellies, putting them on and taking them off, getting dressed and undressed in order to make her clothes feel comfortable and generally having a really difficult time. Yet I can guarantee that if she'd gone somewhere with my parents, or with school, she'd have got on with it and not given these things a second thought.

Its tough being someones safe person.

I thought my child was just getting on with things and not giving things a second thought when I wasnt around. Then he had a complete nervous breakdown at around 8 years old and it turned out he wasnt actually as fine as he looked rushing off in his socks and playing with with others at parties when I wasnt there. Not wishing to alarm you but reassure you that its ok your child is different with you and its not you doing things wrong.

@Whatafustercluck on the socks front - have you tried massaging her feet and calves for a few minutes before putting the socks on. A deepish soothing massage. The OT taught me as it stops the sensory defensiveness and has helped a bit.

@Elephantsparade thanks for the advice, we'll give that a try.

My son is waiting for a diagnosis it's such a long wait he can be a hand full and school life is hard he has been excluded 3 times and he's only 6 he gets very angry and can not cope he has 1.to 1 support at school I'm here if you need a chat. Nothing your doing is wrong don't beat yourself up x