Just a bit of advice again!

[macwoozy]

This has been eating me up just lately so who better to ask!!

My ds (hfa) has been a right problem for his MS school since he joined yr3 in September, and has used up his hours on his statement three times over.

The school have often queried my methods of discipline, they haven't so much said I'm a crap parent but they've often asked me if I give sanctions, reward charts etc with a doubtness in their expression. I know they must see me as weak and not strict enough and just letting life pass me by, I even feel they don't think I've actually taken on board how much ds is a problem.

It's not the case, but whenever I have to talk to teachers or anybody associated with ds, I can't seem to express how I feel or explain how I manage ds, I just talk a load of crap, and look like a right idiot who comes across as someone who has no control of their child. But that is so not the case, I am constanlty firm but I don't appreciate having to do shouting etc in front of a crowd of leering parents. It was mentioned by LSA at the last meeting with EP that he's finally saying sorry if he's done wrong, this must just come across as a parent who hasn't even taught the basics. I just let these comments pass, I can only imagine they see my silence as confirmation, it must come across that I just don't install any discipline/ respect.

I feel that in order to get my point across I should write a letter but I don't want to make a bigger issue than it might be, a letter seems so formal. What do you reckon?

I so know how you feel. I am exactley the same, it almost like im back at school IYKWIM, i just dont seem to be able to communicate with the teachers.

Have you thought about asking for a home/school diary?.

Rather than write a letter, how about having a bullet point list of notes ready for next time you have advance warning of a meeting? I do sympathise, I tend to lose my head when talking to those "in authority".

home school diary - with lots of feedback (that was hard in ms- I send an essay in each day with special). BUt also the other thing I do is video stuff from home then show teachers/staff/ss etc when we have reviews. Its much easier than trying to explain about a child who may behave very differently in different settings.

Yes that's what I need - a diary. I've had this in his last school, and only wrote little comments, but maybe it's the only way I'm going to get my views across.

TC I will do that. I often think about what I'm going to say but as soon as I get a question that I've not 'rehearsed' I'm lost, and then babble, and yet at home to dp I can talk for England.

I let a parent last week throw a load of crap to me about how awful my child was, and I barely spoke a word, I just wasn't prepared for it, I feel so angry with myself.

I wouldn't even do a video due to the worry that I'm seen not to be managing ds well.

a video might be useful if you ever have contact with people who know a little about the condition (e.g. a clinical psych)- in a kind of 'right- how do I deal with this?' type way. But I can see the problems with school- I meant more to show them good stuff. I have shown problematic bahaviours on vide before- but only to people with hands on experience (and therefore some chance of offering practical help).

Home school diaries are hard if they;re one way (that was my problem in ms- they weren't interested) but describing every day something that ds1 has got up to has allowed his special school to build up an accurate picture of him- they say its really helpful, and I can see its value now. It's worth a try.

I'm going to give some thought to the video idea, that's something I've not even considered before, but just as long as I look like an amazingly capable parent

I will ask for a diary, but first I really feel the need to get across that I do discipline ds, to the school I might come across as a weak person, but at home it's a different story, I just can't seem to get that point across.

Thanks.

I would add a note of caution about the homeschool diary. My eldest had one and particularly in infant school Every teeny tiny thing got put into it which sent me into orbit with him when actually some of the stuff any kid would be doing (he was my first so I didn't realise that 'breaking a pencil' was not the worst thing in the world).

To me it sounds like you need to be more assertive with them and possibly practise a bit before the next meeting. I'm a teacher and it is really difficult when you are struggling with a problematic child or one who needs a lot of support and you get the type of parent who says 'well they're boys aren't they and he's just energetic'. I'm not suggesting you are like that at all but you've obviously picked up the vibe that they think you are (if it's any consoloation - I got this too, Mrs Flying have you tried getting him to sit still when watching the TV' bloody hell - if I'd been any harder on my son SS would have been round regarding child abuse - you can't get much stricter than me - I can bring a whole ball pool to a halt with a bollocking if necessary ). So at the next meeting (or even preempt it) why don't you come up with a suggestion first like if he gets x number of stickers during the week we will do Y at the weekend - if not he won't. You might have to assume a persona which isn't natural to you but comands a bit of authority - a bit like facing 30 15 year olds in a class - actually I'm not that confident a person but let them see that and they'd eat me for breakfast.
Also, the staff in MS are not trained at all in ASD. They are just coping the best way they can and the majority will have very little clue as the psychological needs of ASD and it is very easy to put things down to parenting - particularly by staff who are not parents.

I'm sure they don't regard you as a bad parent but you need to show them (pissoffing I know) that you are very supportive of everything they do (assuming that you are) and will back up sanctions at home if necessary (which again you no doubt do but perhaps need to make public to them that you do). It sounds more like a PR exercise that you need to adopt rather than any change in your parenting.

All the best

I feel exactly the same with DS1's school. It doesn't help that DS2 whos NT is also having bad days, which I have no doubt are of a result of spending too much time with DS1 - so double crap parent award for me!!

I always feel the need to say something like 'Well that certinally wouldn't be tolerated at home', which probably makes me look even worse . Then on returning the school the next morning I also feel the need to explain the the teacher the sanction he's had at home for his behaviour at school (ie no playstation).

Im sure they all think Im a loon!!!

Thanks flyingmum and Sarah

The school have just introduced the idea that if ds gets so many stickers during the week I am to reward him at the weekend, and I will support them with this. I don't know if it's going to work though because I've used reward charts at home in the past, and it doesn't change his behaviour one bit, but I will certainly appear postitive.

But I agree, I do need to be more assertive and I will try. I tend to just stand there apologising for his behaviour every week, because I am really at a loss as to what to do but I'm sick and tired of appearing so pathetic. I think the teacher expects me to chastise ds in front of her, but I'd rather discipline him at home, away from critical ears. But this must just reinforce their opinion that I'm a parent who's not phased at all with ds's behaviour, but my god if only they knew how much it upsets me.