SIL has said I am neglecting ds1's (nt) needs because of ds2

[mymatemax]

Sorry this is long but i'm just after some balanced opinion please
DS1 yr3 & a happy, well balanced bright little boy. A few weeks ago his teacher asked if he could be included in an advanced learning group.
He loves learning, his reading age has been assessed at 13yrs & English comprehension & grammar not far behind, he enjoys all subjects History & Geography he already gets little extra projects to do & things to research which he loves. His Maths is above average.

Well this group would involve a weekly club during a break time, fortnightly visits to a lunchtime English group at another school plus homework to do between group meetings.

basically I said I was happy for him to be given more work within his lesson time if needed but I didn't want him to take on all the extra stuff. He loves football & sport & playing with his mates at school & I just thought it was too much for an 8yr old.

Anyway my SIL has just accused me of double standards, said if ds2 had been offered extra tuition i'd of said yes. Then she just said I was worried about ds1 enjoying playtime & having mates because ds2 can't/doesn't & I was being unreasonable.
Am I??

Sorry for the long rant but she's really pissed me off.

No YANBU!!

Both your DSs have different needs, therefore you treat them differently. Thats not neglecting either of them - its being a good Mum!

`Tell her to sit on it and swivel (maybe not I have been drinking , perhaps thank her for her concern and leave it at that ) Often I find norms worry far more about the effect the disabled child will have on the family, rather than the other way round. They don't understand to us that all children are equal. In your shoes, I'd ask ds1 what he wanted to do and take it from there. He may prefer to play football, he may prefer to do the extra projects. He's 8, so old enough to know what he likes and still enough of a child not to have to work if he doesn;t want to iyswim.

What's it got to do with SIL anyway?? It sounds to me as though you would have made the same decision even if ds1 was your only child. And even if not, it's still none of her business.

has your sil been accepting/understanding of your ds2's sn?

If not, then chances are she has no idea what life is like for you and is casting judgements based on her own opinions/how she thinks she would have done things.

either way it is your call and none of her concern really. Maybe ask your ds1 what he thinks.

PMSL at Yurt, i'd love to tell her to swivel but in the name of family diplomacy I politely made my excuses & put the phone down, cursing the old cow!

Thats exactly it coppertop my reasoning for saying no has NOTHING to do with ds2 (or her)but just because he's a happy 8yr old loving school doing well. so why change it.

He was asked if he'd like violin lessons a few months ago but said no because he didn't want to miss playtime.

Just annoys the f*ck out of me that everything should be ds2's fault according to her.

Thanks for your replies I knew I would get some normal balanced opinions on here

aww go on tell her to swivel I'm dying to tell someone to swivel

let him be a kid ... is she a bit ... erm ... competitive

Shall I, Shall I.. OOH I bet i'm not so brave when I next see her... she makes DH look feminine & YES so competitive.

Even he colds are bigger & better than anyone elses.

I only phoned her to see what I could get her daughter & son-in-law for xmas!

oh well there you go. ;o

Avoid avoid!

No offence but tell her to but out ( I am being polite). You are doing brilliantly and you are mum not her. What is it about other people having to have their nose in others business. Keep up the great job!

Thanks Vixma

mmm - congratulations on making the right choice for your little boy - the biggest 'trap' in your situation would have been a big vanity driven pushy parent trip, depriving your DS of his vital football and play time - you did the right thing for your child, all other considerations coming second. As you no doubt do for your other DS.

Your SIL is warped, interfering and unkind!

I would have done the same.
Kids have plenty of years ahead of them to learn and study, what is wrong with letting them enjoy their childhood?
In any case, social interaction, knowing how to work as a team, learning to loose,etc, are in my opinion as important as academic acheivement. Football, sport and playing with his mates will do wonders for him.
Good on you!

I think your SIL is choosing the easy option - ie commenting and sticking up for the NF child because it is too hard to talk about the ASD one. I get this kind of thing a lot, even from my own mum, who very kindly told me one day "you do have TWO children you know, not just one". My own theory is that people decide they can't do anything on ASD, and therefore they feel they can be more "helpful" tackling issues relating to the NF child. My NF child, like yours, is a perfectly well adjusted year 2 child, doing well at school lessons but also into her after school tennis and gym. You do what you think is right - has your SIL really got any place passing judgement?? Get your DH to sort her out, as my rule is that DH deals with his family foibles and I deal with my own!

well the saga continues, she called in over the weekend & she said "I really feel compelled to say - I think your treating ds1 unfairly, I mean you paid for therapy for ds2 & this is free, you could be stiffeling(sp) his potential.
DH was there & he replied "Oh you really talk bollocks sometimes". "He's fine, he's not bored at school so he's not doing it end of story!"

Anyway we did ask ds & he said he didn't want any extra homework & didn't want to miss his break times, because the naughty kids get kept in & his mates would think he was naughty & he wouldn't get to mess about with his mates.

Anyway i'm sure it won't stop her voicing her opinions, she's well known for her thick skin but you have all reassured me that we are not being unfair! Thank you